Just Because it's a Baby Doesn't Make it Cute

Why is it every time I am out with other female acquaintances and a baby is either wheeled or waddles by they all go “awwww look at how cute that baby is!”. I turn and see a bulbous headed chimp.

Some babies are cute – I will admit that. BUT – not all are. I think people forget that just because it’s a baby doesn’t mean it is automatically cute. Naturally, parents become biased and think their little angel isn’t actually a blobby little brat – which it is. That always seem to happen when you are near a small child and they begin biting you, screaming or Exorcist style vomiting in your direction yet the parent does nothing. As if the parent expects, you too, to grin like a valium injected moron at this child’s antics. News flash – they ain’t cute! It’s similar with all fun things that just so happen to be aimed only at children. Like seal shows. Why do parents always insist on their kids participating? I want to participate, dammit. I feel that in my years of life I bloody well deserve to throw the odd fish but – no – this snot encrusted gnome must steal the glory. Glory which they will almost certainly never remember.

Unfortunately, some people will not have cute kids. They will look like shrunken mushrooms for a good couple of years in their lives. Others will be in commercials and adored by thousands until they get older, no one cares and they cry themselves to sleep wondering why.

Why is it most babies look like little old men despite their sex? I get introduced to little Megan or Sarah or Angela and I have to stop myself from offering the newborn a refreshing glass of prune juice or some assistance to cross the street.

Then you get that awful moment when a new mother thrusts their child upon your person and begs to know the answer to the question "Isn't she just the cutest!?". Let me tell you "uumm for something that looks, smells and squeals like a piglet - I suppose so" is not the right answer unless you want to experience what all of Medusa's victims experienced.

Children - Not Always Cute

Here's the scoop, people. Just because you have a child it does not mean it is in any way cute or adorable. Sure, a lot of children are really cute but for the most part parents seem to think their kid can get away with anything because they are lacking in mature years. It's quite odd.
I had a random toddler kick my handbag today because it felt like it only to have its mother laugh. I didn't think it was funny. I didn't go "awwww he kicked my handbag over! Maybe something inside is bwoken! What a cutie!". I would rather retaliate in kind but I doubt that would have gone down well.

There are lots of cute, chubby little kickers gadding about the world drawing out sighs of pure enjoyment from onlookers but then there are those kids that aren't cute and are just plain annoying.

Just because a child is a child doesn't make them automatically cute. The rules of beauty and cuteness apply to children as they do everybody else and that's all there is to it.
It starts from birth - most babies look like pink grubs swaddled in blankets but - I'm guessing - when you've gone to the trouble of gestating this grub for nine months you will probably think it is cute no matter what. That or you will feel like the whole drawn-out exercise was a total waste of time.
Then they get a bit older and manage to become annoying on a whole new level. They no longer just scream, poop and make mess they also manage to do all three whilst moving by themselves and getting into all sorts of shenanigans. By no means does this make them cute.
If the child is actually cute then they are not exempt from consequences. No one ever is.

They get older and any residual cuteness fades away despite this they still try it on... The non-cute ones should have learned by now that they will have to get what they want with honest hard work or blackmail. And so the world keeps on turning...

Just a Thought... naked children (oo-err)

Why is it that every single person has a photo of themselves naked? Usually as children.

Not only are you naked but often you are in a nude situation with some other kids you have absolutely no recollection of.

First, why do parents photograph their children when they are in the process of bathing? Is it really necessary? I understand that, yes, children are covered in dirt, poo or general detritus 99% of the time and that remaining one per cent is when they actually are in the bath but why the need for a photograph? I thought photographs were reserved for special events but apparently not.

When I was a kid my dad use to put me in my high chair to eat my lunch, naked, and let nature take its course. After I had “had my fill” he’d literally hose me off with the garden hose. Luckily there’s no picture of that. I guess I didn’t look as cute covering my face in food and shitting myself at the same time as I did in a bubble bath. Who would’ve thought?

Second, why do parents always seem to dump their kids in the bath with other random kids? It’s as if parents have little hang-outs so they jam all the kids in the bath to amuse themselves. Given that there is photographic evidence I assume it isn’t unsupervised.

Every person has a photo of themselves bathing with other children. If I bathed with these people now I would freak out. Not only would we not fit into a bath tub as we did back in the day but there would be too much hair and privacy being exposed.

Maybe parents do this because kids never stay still. It makes sense to put them in a slippy sided container (as you would a spider) whilst you struggle to maintain your hair and sanity. Then once you have attempted to pull yourself together you realise these little wee ones aren’t so bad after all and begin to gather snapshots of them with beards made of bubble bath or chewing the head of a rubber duck.

Chances are if I am ever a parent I will end up taking snapshots of my widdle babies when they are getting all squeaky clean. I assume they will be my own children as well...