Board Games

Recently I have been overcome with the urge to play all my childhood favourite board games. Actually scratch that “childhood favourite” part... it was more the games that were available in childhood and everybody felt obligated to play.

On re-playing these games with willing victims and not figments of my imagination—no Mrs Crumplebottom you did not win that game of Scrabble—no you didn’t. Well I don’t consider joolax a word even now. Yeah the made up Dictiona—you stay where you are! Don’t pinch me! Get back in your tent!

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Now...Where was I? Oh yeah board games. I’ve realised that board games are way too easy. So easy in fact that they become bored games. That’s right I went there... pun town. So I took it upon myself to improve these games for the avid mature aged gamer like myself... I got lazy with some and decided that a description was adequate enough. Here we go...

Scrabble – Out of the 100 pieces given 50 of them should be “x”s. This would probably result in the “XXX” version of the game and I really doubt there would be many complaints...

Guess Who –

Chess – All the players are bishops. White’s bishops are on the white squares. Black’s bishops are on the black squares.

Monopoly (or should now be called “Monotony”)

Backgammon – No one knows how to play this game anyway. At least I don’t. So it’s hard enough.

Connect Four –

Snakes and Ladders – You’re probably expecting me to just say “lots more snakes” but I’ve got waaaay more imagination than that you sceptical so and so... The game would now be called “Murderous flesh-eating half-crocodile-half-sharks armed with cannons and shooting poisonous darts and Ladders”. It has a nice ring to it doesn’t it? Basically no matter where you are on the game board these evil bastards will send you right back to the start. And kill you.

Battleship – I was tossing around the idea of the hippy/Green Peace version of this game which means that there would be no ships to place and the box would be covered in flower illustrations and ban the bomb symbols. Weed may be required for full experience – NOT INCLUDED

Jenga – Each block is different to the last. One might be slightly rounded another may be square so that when the game is started it looks as deformed and precarious as it would after several turns.

And finally Twister –