Respond to this *grabs crotch*

So, I’ve been applying for jobs. I have lost count of how many I have applied for in the last couple of months and I can’t believe how many damn applications I have written. It really frustrates me that these different organisations have the nerve to write something on the “careers section” of their website that basically says “if you don’t put many, many hours into your application then you can just forget it”. It drives me crazy. Why the hell should I spend over three hours writing specific answers to your ridiculously vague and redundant selection criteria questions? Or rather, why the hell should I spend that time, make it as good as it can be, only to not hear from you – ever?! No wonder people get depressed when they’re out of work. I mean, they spend so much time writing, getting their hopes up and trying their best only to be knocked down for reasons that will NEVER be explained.

I’m ranting. I KNOW. Anyway here are my REAL responses to selection criteria questions. The answers you would love to send in but know that if you did you would probably get black listed forever more. Here we go.

1.       Applicant must have excellent written and communication skills

Well let’s see. I was born, learnt to talk and then went to school and learnt to read and write. You can see so far that I have not misspelled anything and the sentences seem coherent. If you would then read these lines aloud – that’s how I talk. Okay? Why do I need to spend the time to write down how good I am at communicating? Can’t you see that it is ironic that I am writing about how good I am at writing? This is the first question and I’m already bored to tears. What’s next?

2.       Applicant must work well within a small group. Give an example

Sure I do. I have got along with everyone I have ever met and/or worked with forever. I am like Jesus – everyone loves me.

Okay. So one time I was working at this place – I’m not saying where because you might actually check up on this and discover it didn’t actually happen – though it TOTALLY did. Believe it. Anyway a bunch of co-workers were standing around the water cooler (in a small group) discussing the latest celebrity gossip. I walked over there and smacked the little plastic cup out of one of the guy’s hands, kicked him in the shin and told him to “GET THE F*** BACK TO WORK, YOU SLACK, LAZY PRICKS”. And they did. Productivity was up tenfold thanks to yours truly.

3.       Applicant must maintain professionalism at all times. 100 –  300 word response.

What, that wasn’t professional enough for you?

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, Screw Flanders!

4.       Applicant must be able to work well unsupervised. Give an example

In my previous occupation, I was often left alone and was able to complete all the tasks required without the need to frequently consult any superiors.

Here’s what really happened – at my last job, when I was left unattended I proceeded to put as many office supplies on my person as possible in order to create my own stationery supply store in my place of residence. I would also use the internet to its full extent – social networking, surfing the web, sending hate mail to customers and using Google to search inappropriate yet hilarious topics such as “how do I hide my crack habit from my boss?”. Meanwhile, I would be using the company phone to call relatives who live overseas and prank other co-workers by telling them I was their stalker who knew where they worked and was coming to kill them.

If I’ve actually got this far without throwing my laptop out the window then I’m doing well. I feel that I should get the job based on this fact. Chances are you, dear future employer have stopped reading, well then let’s get as creative as possible.

5.       Give examples of your computer literacy

Examples? Really? I mean, searching for your criteria online, finding your job application online, responding to crap criteria in a word document, typing, opening email, typing email, attaching crap criteria to email, sending email to you isn’t all example enough of what I’m clearly capable of doing? No? You want me to list the programs I used to do the previous? Internet Explorer, Microsoft Word, Microsoft Outlook ETC. What more do you want? Given that I am a product of this constantly advancing technological world and that I can use an iphone, I’m pretty sure I can handle anything you throw at me. Bitch, please.

6.       Explain your interest in this position

Money.

Duh. No one goes out thinking – boy I would really LOVE to be picked on and frustrated by other stupid individuals who happen to be working in close proximity to me at this moment. I’m interested in the salary side of things. Not undertaking mindless tasks for eight hours a day whilst trying to block out the smell of cat food on my co-workers breath as they tell me, for the fourth time today, about their divorce.

I also feel that this question requires me to gargle your company’s balls by saying that I have such a keen desire to work for you and how great the company is and blah blah blah.

7.       Tell us a bit about yourself. We want to get to know you!

First, your explanation mark at the end of that sentence angers me greatly which leads me to my second point. In my spare time I enjoy hunting down villains and hacking them into little pieces with a sharpened ladle and sprinkling their body parts on my neighbour’s lawn like confetti. Honestly, what do you want me to say to this question? You couldn’t give a flying stink bucket in terms of “what I’m all about”. I feel there is no “right” answer to this. I’m clearing telling you what I can do for you as an employee and I really feel that my personal interests and hobbies are in no way relevant to that fact. Sure if you really hate the elderly then applying for an aged care facility isn’t the way to go – or at least not telling them that fact anyway. Here’s all you need to know. I am unemployed. I need food to live. Food is often gathered via a monetary exchange. That is where you come in. Give me money and I will do stuff for you. Explanation mark.

And there you have it. Selection criteria complete and I didn’t even have to burn everything in sight. Just most things.

The Duck Face Through History

So I figured this blog needed some culture... to an extent. Therefore I have compiled a chronological list of different art works that happen to contain the well known duck face. If you don't know what the duck face is - somehow you managed to escape its pouty wrath - here is what urban dictionary has to say:

"A term used to descibe the face made if you push your lips together in a combination of a pout and a pucker, giving the impression you have larger cheekbones and bigger lips."   Or better yet this:   "Stupid facial expression put forth by stupid [people] that don't know how to smile. The Duckface is made by moving both lips has far up and outward as possible..."   I've realised that seeing the presence of this facial expression through centuries of art makes it apparent that this "face of a duck" is not such a recent development. I now argue that it is encoded in our DNA as homo sapiens. Perhaps this was a way of prepping yourself in order to gain the fittest mate. Maybe bigger lips are an outward sign to any approaching mate that you are capable of performing certain tasks better than any other? And by that I mean warding off predators by confusing them into thinking you are a large duck with the ability to smother them in a painful yet pouty death. You decide...

"Portrait of Johann Friedrich, the Elector of Saxony" 1531 by Lucas Cranach the Elder

"Portrait of a Marie de' Medici" 1551 by Agnolo Bronzino

"Portrait of a Woman" 1564 by Lucas Cranach the Elder





"Catharina Hooft with her Nurse" 1620 by Franz Hals

"Self-Portrait, Staring" 1630 by Rembrandt

"Louis XVI" 1776 by Joseph-Siffred Duplessis

"Lady Hamilton as Circe" 1782 by George Romney

"Self-Portrait" 1794 by Jacques-Louis David

"A Portrait of Gavriil Derzhavin" 1811 by Vladimir Borovikovsky

"Self-Portrait" 1847 by Dante Gabriel Rossetti

"Venus Verticordia" 1868 by Dante Gabriel Rossetti



"A Portrait of Berthe Morisot Wearing a Black Hat with Violets" 1872 by Edouard Manet

"La Parisienne (A Portrait of Mme Jules Guillemet) 1880 by Edouard Manet

"Male Portrait" 1931? by Arthur Theo Dirkx

"Duck Face and Wax Face" 20?? - Ozzy Osbourne

"Serious Duck Face" 20?? - Miley Cyrus

It's the End of the Loaf not the End of its Life

Why is it that no matter where or who you are when it comes to sitting down and enjoying a delicious slice of bread whether it is toasted, plain or accompanying other foodstuffs no one will ever take the end pieces of the loaf. The beginning and the end of the loaf always lie neglected in the bread bag at the end of the week. The poor pieces probably feel lifeless, useless and abandoned as the only human interaction they get is when someone accidently picks up the end piece only to let it fall down, down into the dark depths of rejection. The only time they then see the light of day is to fill a compost bin or be pecked to death by savage sea gulls at the dumpster. Pretty heart breaking stuff.

I decided that enough is enough. No longer would I be the one to inflict this pain upon an innocent fibre product. I would endeavour to right the wrongs every other end piece had endured by using them to their maximum potential. Was I going to eat them from now on? Hell no. I was going to find other more innovative ways to use the end bits in my everyday life.

As a sponge

Earmuffs

Postcard

A Coaster

Origami

Picture Frame

Iphone case

 A Book Mark

Art

Modern Art

Postmodern Art

Toilet Paper

A Make-Shift Rag for Chloroforming Unsuspecting Victims

Knee Pads

CDs

Money

Note: Most of these are much more effective once stale or frozen. Especially if you are considering using them as some sort of weapon – eg. Ninja death stars.

Things we Learn from Films

WARNING: There may be spoilers.

Titanic & Titanic II:      NEVER get on a boat with “Titanic” in the title. It will only end badly.

Juno:                            Teen pregnancy is without consequence as long as you have a quirky attitude and a phone in the shape of a hamburger.

The Mummy:                  Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.

The Mummy Returns:    Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.

The Mummy 3:              DON’T F***ING MESS WITH FOREIGN ARTEFACTS!

Avatar:                           Pocahontas is hot regardless if she is blue or not.

Tron Legacy:                  Tron is a pretty crappy universe.

Harry Potter 1-7:            Emma Watson will never learn to act.

Black Swan:                   You can dance the best “Swan Lake” of your life as long as you have a shard of glass lodged in your abdomen and are prepared to die at the end of it.

Gone with the Wind:      You can be successful if you marry a lot and slap everyone.

The Dark Knight:            Screechy violins make for a lot of tension.

Mean Girls:                     Janice Ian needs to wash her hair more often.

Girl with a Pearl Earring:       Be prepared for nothing much to happen.

The Young Victoria:               Be prepared for nothing much to happen.

Saw:                                       Avoid people with terminal cancer.

The Shawshank Redemption: Prison walls are deceptively crumbly.

Pulp Fiction:                       Nothing says family memento than an ass watch.

Inception:                           Crazy ex-wives ruin your career. Even if they are dead.

Fight Club:                          Your alter ego can be much hotter than you.

The Matrix:                         You’re not cool if you don’t wear leather.

Psycho:                                When in the shower – remain vigilant!

The Silence of the Lambs:   Buffalo Bill puts an awful lot of effort into his outfits.  

Forest Gump:                       I want a friend called Bubba.

Spirited Away/Alice in Wonderland:        For the sake of the audience’s sanity – just roll with it, okay?

The Shining:                        Stephen King gets a bit carried away with extra plot details.

WALL-E:                               The human race is destined to be fat and doomed. In that order.

Inglorious Basterds:            World War II fan fiction at its best.

Up:                                        A barren, dead wife does not a happy film make.

The Wizard of Oz:               Always steal the shoes of dead people.

Slumdog Millionaire:          You can easily cheapen any great film with a dance number at the end.

The Sixth Sense:                Bruce Willis’ character likes to hang out with young boys.

District 9:                           Aliens like cat food.

V for Vendetta:                   Natalie Portman’s  character lost her hair for no reason.

The Social Network:           Friends are expendable for fame!

Security Guards

Why is it in movies and television that security guard characters are always fat and hopeless? I mean I know that the “good” guy needs to by-pass this facade of authority to reach their goal and wow their viewers - but seriously the “bad” guys need to give them at least a bit of a challenge.

Okay. Let’s say you are the head of “Big Bad Booty Incorporated” and you have to protect your very important, confidential and incriminating documents. How would you go about that? Security codes, armed doors, dogs, guns, sharks, lasers, bear traps, vats of boiling oil and of course one lone security guard.

If you could only have one guard to protect your incriminating photos (yes, they involve you, tequila and a wild hog) who would you choose? The guy who has a degree in security guarding, a previous position as vault keeper for Gringott’s and a black belt in human destruction. Or the guy who is overweight, unfit and has a vocabulary of “Stop!”, “You!”, and “Freeze!”? Pretty obvious choice.

This security guard makes his on screen appearance sitting/leaning back on a chair with his feet on the desk eating or drinking coffee whilst looking at a bunch of flickering black and white mini screens. Eventually he sees something on one of the many screens, sits up straight, looks mildly concerned then rushes (and wheezes) out of his little room only to be beaten down by the good guy in under eight seconds.

I wonder if this guy goes home to his family at the end of a busy ass-being-kicked day, flops into his favourite brown leather recliner and looks into the eyes of his little children who dream of one day following in their daddy’s slow and incompetent footsteps.  

How does this guy manage to keep his job? He only has one purpose and that is keeping your perverted hog photos out of the public eye and he has failed that. Over and over just in different scenarios. I mean is there some training college for really crappy security guards? They have to go through rigorous training of lifting heavy donuts up to their lips and back down repeatedly as well as firing a tiny pistol everywhere but into the target. A couple of courses in fail wrestling and voice lessons for their single moment of dialogue. All in all it’s an un-intensive ten week course. Then they are head hunted by the most important companies in the evil world.  

Just dial 1800-FAIL-GUARD for an information pack.  

Me? Negative? NO... well maybe...

So I’ve had some recent constructive criticism about the pessimistic/negative vibe some of my blogs give off. To them I say “meh, what cha gonna do?”.

To my remaining readers I say – well let’s look at where I learnt it. And so begins the introduction to my wacky upbringing.

When I was a lot younger I had a neighbour called Mrs Dufty and she was/is the most negative person – ever. If you could invent a person who was so against everything whilst wearing a floral dress you would have thought of her. She use to look after me a lot when I was a kid so it’s not surprising where my attitude stems from. Now let me start this description by saying Mrs Dufty was the nicest neighbour ever – so don’t get the wrong impression. 

When you think of older female relatives two archetypes come to mind – the loving, timid, soft and cuddly woman who bakes you assorted goods and appreciates the drawing you did of her made entirely out of woodchips even though it kind of looks like she has three noses and then there’s the older woman who scolds, snarls, hits children with her walking assistant (cane, walker or caregiver) and has the fragrant aroma of urine.

Neither of these fits Mrs Dufty. In fact she is some sort of amalgamation of the two – and in a very entertaining way. She would always comment on the activities of “you young kids today” which she learned from the television – and when I say television I mean those awfully crooked “documentary” programmes that are so hideously biased and ridiculous it makes any slightly informed person shudder in horror. There was a segment on Schoolies (or Spring Break whatever you call it) which showed hordes of youths staggering up and down the streets squealing and showing off their...physical maturity (A.K.A. special bits). To this Mrs Dufty turned to me and said “look at those girls showing themselves off! Anyone can do that. Look!” at which point she suddenly lifted up her dress and for a flash in time I saw my elderly neighbour’s enormous knickers. After another audition for the Flasher’s association Mrs Dufty cackled away eventually asking if I’d like anything to drink.

Now here comes the negative part (and you thought a mad old woman somewhat exposing herself to me wasn’t the negative part!). Mrs Dufty had taken it upon herself, personally, to hate every part of this elaborate world. Now she’s old... and I know life gets tough when you get old so I went to her house to clean her fish tank as a sign of my good will. Well I cleaned it as best I could given my hopelessly chubby child arms and hands and after spending hours cleaning the water, scrubbing away the algae and managing to somehow choke on some fish poo water I finished it. I presented this sparkling aquatic wonderland to my neighbour who replied “ugh. I hate that fish tank.”

“But, doesn’t it look nice now? You can watch the fish swim about.”

“I hate those fish and I don’t want them. Do you want them?”

“No, they’re yours.”

“Well I hate them and I’ll be dead soon anyway.”

From this little episode you can glean how she reacts to any good deed that is shown to her. You bring her flowers “I HATE flowers and I don’t have a vase anyway because I gave it away because I’m going to be dead soon”. You bring her a nice bun from the bakery “I HATE buns from the bakery – especially THAT ONE. I don’t want it – I’ll be dead soon anyway”. Basically bring her anything and she will tell you how much she hates it and tries to sneakily place it in your backpack while giving you a cuddle when you leave. If you don’t bring her anything she will try to offload everything in her house. “Here, do you want all my pots and pans?” ... “But, what will you cook with?” “I don’t need them. I’ve got this one which will do. I survived on more than that when the Japs where flying over our heads! Besides... I’m going to die soon anyway.”   

So there you have it. My negative neighbour. My pessimistic guardian.

And if you didn’t like this blog...well... I’m going to die one day anyway.   

My First Pet

You know when you play that game about figuring out your stripper name and you take the name of your first pet? Well now you do. Anyway I was thinking about it and I remembered my first pet was a hermit crab named Claudia. Now Claudia had an unfortunate demise... that is we got the house fumigated and both my brother’s and my crab passed away. Or rather slowly and painfully asphyxiated whichever you like.

Here’s the kicker. I was having family dinner the other week and I told this story – after we’d all worked out our stripper names (mine’s Claudia Chelmer) I told the story of poor choking Claudia and mum chimed in with – Claudia didn’t choke she cooked!

?

I’m sorry, mum, what?

“Your crab Claudia got really sick after the fumigation - we didn’t know it would affect them so badly and in the end she lost her legs one by one. The poor thing only had little eyes flitting about – it was still alive and suffering – so I dropped it in hot water”.

Now that’s the humane story I heard. Here’s what I visualised...

I find out seventeen years later that my poor crab, my first pet, my only crustacean love was boiled alive? How psychotic is that? Hadn’t she suffered enough? I imagined my poor little crab thrashing its eyes about in agony (that was only thing it could thrash around given it didn’t have any more limbs) crying silently that I’d abandoned it... trying to escape. To which mum answered “Well it didn’t move after I dumped it in”.

Good point. R.I.P. Claudia.

Crayons for the real world

What’s with crayons being introduced with such sissy colour names? I mean as an adult (!) I want to choose colours that actually represent what I’m colouring and it doesn’t usually consist of a blue sky, green grass and a red house as it might have many years ago.

These days we use crayons to draw our feelings towards our day, mocking a co-worker or just pounding those things into the walls – whichever takes your fancy. I find that in these scenarios we need colours that really reflect this. That and “wild watermelon” doesn’t really have any relevance to most peoples’ everyday life – unless you, dear reader, often find yourself alone with a watermelon and the presence of many whips and handcuffs... well that’s your business...

...aaaannnnyway...I have taken some colours from the more original 130 (not the added on extras like the swirly crayons or the glitter ones – that would be too easy) and renamed them for your grown-up pleasure.

Antique Brass (205, 149, 117) – An evening with the toilet

 Beaver (159, 129, 112) – No seriously... that's what it's called... I don't think it needs changing

Brick Red (203, 65, 84) – Paper Cut

Cadet Blue (176, 183, 198) – Unemployment

Copper (221, 148, 117) – Immovable stain on white shirt

Dandelion (253, 219, 109) – Stomach Bile

Granny Smith Apple (168, 228, 160) – Mucus

Hot Magenta (255, 29, 206) – Regrettable lipstick choice

Inchworm (178, 236, 93) – Why can’t I look like her?!

Laser Lemon (254, 254, 34) – Too much Asparagus/Dehydrated

Manatee (151, 154, 170) – Crap Weather

Mango Tango (255, 130, 67) – Fake Tan

Outer Space (65, 74, 76) – Migratory mascara

Periwinkle (197, 208, 230) – Old Lady Do

Radical Red (255, 73, 108) – My boss needs to die

Raw Umber (113, 75, 35) – Beer O' Clock

Scarlet (252, 40, 71) – Bad Day

Spring Green (236, 234, 190) – Forgotten Milk

Tumbleweed (222, 170, 136) – Deforestation

Unmellow Yellow (255, 255, 102) – Peroxide Mishap

White (255, 255, 255) – Everything Mac

Wild Strawberry (255, 67, 164) – Funeral Faux Pas

Wild Watermelon (252, 108, 133) – Acne