Actual Stories from my Actual Life

As my days now consist of sleeping, eating all the things, watching useless television, applying for jobs and trawling the internet I've now realised that my internet time is now translating itself into my everyday life.
I told you earlier that I have discovered memes. Specifically this one...

Which makes me laugh - A LOT.

So I dabbled in making my own.

Then an incident happened. Boyfriend, dearest, was making a toasted sandwich and instead of waiting for it to cool down this happened.

I actually imagined myself with this face when saying "You don't say?" Is that worrying? Maybe only if I wake up and have actually turned into a cartoon of Nicholas Cage. At least I'd get a laugh!

Ain't No Thang like a Bacon Wing

Ahh bacon. Good with eggs. The other white meat. Quite pink in colour. Rather fattening. Piggy origins.

Bacon. We all know of it and most of us enjoy it. I didn’t realise that meant it should be added to every type of food to make it better. Bacon doesn’t seem to be a stand alone meat though. It is always being added to other meaty food products like burgers, steaks and salads. If bacon had one mission in life it would be inserting its fatty presence into the mouth of anyone and everyone in the attempt to make it even better.

Turning on the television you will notice the usual amount of advertisements for fast food restaurants preaching the ‘goodness’ of their individual deep fried and heart-clogging products. Take a look closer – well as close as you can get without feeling that tiny bit of spew emerge in the back of your throat because, to me, the food doesn’t even look good in the ads which is concerning, I mean what the heck will it look like it person? Well not person in... burger. Looking closely you will notice that pretty much everything has now got bacon it. Or the bonus of adding MORE bacon at your leisure. Since when did bacon become the thing that makes everything more awesome? Okay, yeah, bacon is pretty delicious on occasion but I wouldn’t wear it on top of my veil at my wedding for the sake of looking more awesome – or would I? Pretty sure Kate Middleton was considering it...

That gets the cogs in my melon turning... what if we added to bacon to everyday objects to make them more awesome? I think everyone needs some more awesome in their daily grind and not just in their lunches. For example:

The vehicle you drive.

Work stuff.

Your kids.

 Technology.

Your home.

 The films you watch.

Everything can be improved with bacon. Next time you are feeling down about the state of the world or some crappy incident in your life just think of bacon.

Things we Learn from Films

WARNING: There may be spoilers.

Titanic & Titanic II:      NEVER get on a boat with “Titanic” in the title. It will only end badly.

Juno:                            Teen pregnancy is without consequence as long as you have a quirky attitude and a phone in the shape of a hamburger.

The Mummy:                  Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.

The Mummy Returns:    Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.

The Mummy 3:              DON’T F***ING MESS WITH FOREIGN ARTEFACTS!

Avatar:                           Pocahontas is hot regardless if she is blue or not.

Tron Legacy:                  Tron is a pretty crappy universe.

Harry Potter 1-7:            Emma Watson will never learn to act.

Black Swan:                   You can dance the best “Swan Lake” of your life as long as you have a shard of glass lodged in your abdomen and are prepared to die at the end of it.

Gone with the Wind:      You can be successful if you marry a lot and slap everyone.

The Dark Knight:            Screechy violins make for a lot of tension.

Mean Girls:                     Janice Ian needs to wash her hair more often.

Girl with a Pearl Earring:       Be prepared for nothing much to happen.

The Young Victoria:               Be prepared for nothing much to happen.

Saw:                                       Avoid people with terminal cancer.

The Shawshank Redemption: Prison walls are deceptively crumbly.

Pulp Fiction:                       Nothing says family memento than an ass watch.

Inception:                           Crazy ex-wives ruin your career. Even if they are dead.

Fight Club:                          Your alter ego can be much hotter than you.

The Matrix:                         You’re not cool if you don’t wear leather.

Psycho:                                When in the shower – remain vigilant!

The Silence of the Lambs:   Buffalo Bill puts an awful lot of effort into his outfits.  

Forest Gump:                       I want a friend called Bubba.

Spirited Away/Alice in Wonderland:        For the sake of the audience’s sanity – just roll with it, okay?

The Shining:                        Stephen King gets a bit carried away with extra plot details.

WALL-E:                               The human race is destined to be fat and doomed. In that order.

Inglorious Basterds:            World War II fan fiction at its best.

Up:                                        A barren, dead wife does not a happy film make.

The Wizard of Oz:               Always steal the shoes of dead people.

Slumdog Millionaire:          You can easily cheapen any great film with a dance number at the end.

The Sixth Sense:                Bruce Willis’ character likes to hang out with young boys.

District 9:                           Aliens like cat food.

V for Vendetta:                   Natalie Portman’s  character lost her hair for no reason.

The Social Network:           Friends are expendable for fame!