Collective Noun for Celebrities = a Hot Mess

I was recently held down and forced to watch films such as "Valentine's Day", "New Year's Eve" and "He's Just Not that into You".

In the midst of hysteria I came to this conclusion...

Crying is the New Black

Have you ever noticed that in a lot of films - mostly romantic comedies - the heroine gets in a big sulk about something or rather and begins to weep. Meanwhile the guy comforts her and then they both slowly look into one another's eyes and proceed to bonk each other.
Now let me clarify that... when I say the woman "weeps" I actually mean she all out sobs, screams and makes a general scene. Somehow the mouth hanging open, puffy eyed look is what gets the fellas hot under the collar. I don't really understand it... I mean I guess when I cry for real reals I tend to look like I'm snarling, tears running down my blushed cheeks and this vein that goes around my eye stands out like an emo in a crowd of goths. Not my hottest moment.

The men in the films, however, seem to really go for this... Well I must say the film version of extreme crying (from what I have gleaned from accidentally catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I'm in the middle of a break down) is a lot tamer. After having just watched "When Harry met Sally" Sally looks pretty put together when she finds out her ex-boyfriend is now getting married. Sure she's doing the obligatory sudden sniffs, the over usage of tissues and the frantic pacing whilst wearing a dressing gown... but that's it. Anyway Harry looks up at her, they briefly kiss and then it's all over red rover and bam they're in problem city in terms of what this means in their relationship. But I digress.
Who wants to sleep with the sad chick? Or rather, who is legitimately attracted to someone with snot covering 30% of their features?

Forget going to the clubs wearing a cocktail dress and high heels - hell - just fail and exam and have a total freak out about where you want to be in life and you'll pull thousands of caring and understanding guys. I should really write a dating book.

There is one exception to this rule. Moaning Myrtle. She flies out of the toilet (there's a sexy image right there) howling all the while and yet neither Harry or Ron attempt to wipe the tears from her face and sacrifice their relationship (and dignity) for the sake of romance. I guess you couldn't really wipe away tears from a ghost without putting your hand through their head... and then there's the other thing... huh. I guess it doesn't work with ghosts - except in "Ghost".

Whilst there are a bunch of exceptions to the rule I suggest you try it on an unsuspecting male victim and see what happens. Either you get laid or you get a big detox from having a teary. Win, win.

DVD Dilemma

I’m pretty sure most people have had the occasion where they’ve watched a trailer for a funny film, seen it and then remarked “they showed all the good bits in the ad”.

It sucks. Basically the film industry just snuck up behind you and pinched money from your wallet whilst one of their minions did an amusing dance to keep you from noticing.

I no longer go to the cinema. Not just because of the ad thing but because it is getting ridiculously expensive. I mean they are no longer just taking the cash from your wallet but your entire wallet including the photo of the Jonas Brothers hidden behind your licence (I know it’s there).

A movie watching platform I haven’t yet given up on is the renting process. I go to my local DVD shop, choose a film and go home to watch it – nothing new or observant about that. The problem is once you put the DVD in and desperately attempt to skip the other ads and scare tactics against film piracy you reach the DVD menu. The DVD menu use to be a boring screen to merely alert you to the functions of the disc – play, extra features, set up and so on. DVD menus are now fully interactive with stuff happening all over so you get taken in and forget this is just another form of trailer ruining your viewing experience. If I haven’t seen a film before and the DVD menu comes on it does the exact same thing as a trailer would in that it shows all the decent bits and not even in a well edited version as the trailer would be but rather just the funny moments with no context and no narrating voice stating the obvious.

Why are they doing this? I get that they want the menu to represent the film but COME ON don’t ruin it for me! Someone that has seen the film over a dozen times can’t complain about the menus but if this is the premiere screening for that person then... GRRRRR! There are no words to describe.

All I can say is that I’m not surprised people download movies... at least then you don’t have to endure the film being tarnished before it has even begun.

Things we Learn from Films

WARNING: There may be spoilers.

Titanic & Titanic II:      NEVER get on a boat with “Titanic” in the title. It will only end badly.

Juno:                            Teen pregnancy is without consequence as long as you have a quirky attitude and a phone in the shape of a hamburger.

The Mummy:                  Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.

The Mummy Returns:    Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.

The Mummy 3:              DON’T F***ING MESS WITH FOREIGN ARTEFACTS!

Avatar:                           Pocahontas is hot regardless if she is blue or not.

Tron Legacy:                  Tron is a pretty crappy universe.

Harry Potter 1-7:            Emma Watson will never learn to act.

Black Swan:                   You can dance the best “Swan Lake” of your life as long as you have a shard of glass lodged in your abdomen and are prepared to die at the end of it.

Gone with the Wind:      You can be successful if you marry a lot and slap everyone.

The Dark Knight:            Screechy violins make for a lot of tension.

Mean Girls:                     Janice Ian needs to wash her hair more often.

Girl with a Pearl Earring:       Be prepared for nothing much to happen.

The Young Victoria:               Be prepared for nothing much to happen.

Saw:                                       Avoid people with terminal cancer.

The Shawshank Redemption: Prison walls are deceptively crumbly.

Pulp Fiction:                       Nothing says family memento than an ass watch.

Inception:                           Crazy ex-wives ruin your career. Even if they are dead.

Fight Club:                          Your alter ego can be much hotter than you.

The Matrix:                         You’re not cool if you don’t wear leather.

Psycho:                                When in the shower – remain vigilant!

The Silence of the Lambs:   Buffalo Bill puts an awful lot of effort into his outfits.  

Forest Gump:                       I want a friend called Bubba.

Spirited Away/Alice in Wonderland:        For the sake of the audience’s sanity – just roll with it, okay?

The Shining:                        Stephen King gets a bit carried away with extra plot details.

WALL-E:                               The human race is destined to be fat and doomed. In that order.

Inglorious Basterds:            World War II fan fiction at its best.

Up:                                        A barren, dead wife does not a happy film make.

The Wizard of Oz:               Always steal the shoes of dead people.

Slumdog Millionaire:          You can easily cheapen any great film with a dance number at the end.

The Sixth Sense:                Bruce Willis’ character likes to hang out with young boys.

District 9:                           Aliens like cat food.

V for Vendetta:                   Natalie Portman’s  character lost her hair for no reason.

The Social Network:           Friends are expendable for fame!