Crying is the New Black

Have you ever noticed that in a lot of films - mostly romantic comedies - the heroine gets in a big sulk about something or rather and begins to weep. Meanwhile the guy comforts her and then they both slowly look into one another's eyes and proceed to bonk each other.
Now let me clarify that... when I say the woman "weeps" I actually mean she all out sobs, screams and makes a general scene. Somehow the mouth hanging open, puffy eyed look is what gets the fellas hot under the collar. I don't really understand it... I mean I guess when I cry for real reals I tend to look like I'm snarling, tears running down my blushed cheeks and this vein that goes around my eye stands out like an emo in a crowd of goths. Not my hottest moment.

The men in the films, however, seem to really go for this... Well I must say the film version of extreme crying (from what I have gleaned from accidentally catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I'm in the middle of a break down) is a lot tamer. After having just watched "When Harry met Sally" Sally looks pretty put together when she finds out her ex-boyfriend is now getting married. Sure she's doing the obligatory sudden sniffs, the over usage of tissues and the frantic pacing whilst wearing a dressing gown... but that's it. Anyway Harry looks up at her, they briefly kiss and then it's all over red rover and bam they're in problem city in terms of what this means in their relationship. But I digress.
Who wants to sleep with the sad chick? Or rather, who is legitimately attracted to someone with snot covering 30% of their features?

Forget going to the clubs wearing a cocktail dress and high heels - hell - just fail and exam and have a total freak out about where you want to be in life and you'll pull thousands of caring and understanding guys. I should really write a dating book.

There is one exception to this rule. Moaning Myrtle. She flies out of the toilet (there's a sexy image right there) howling all the while and yet neither Harry or Ron attempt to wipe the tears from her face and sacrifice their relationship (and dignity) for the sake of romance. I guess you couldn't really wipe away tears from a ghost without putting your hand through their head... and then there's the other thing... huh. I guess it doesn't work with ghosts - except in "Ghost".

Whilst there are a bunch of exceptions to the rule I suggest you try it on an unsuspecting male victim and see what happens. Either you get laid or you get a big detox from having a teary. Win, win.

Words Strike Again!

"You know what... that dress you bought last week that I said looked really good on you actually looks terrible – just sayin’!”

Has anyone noticed that the phrase “just sayin’” is a guaranteed social get-out-of-jail-free-card? You can say whatever you want to someone and by adding “just sayin’” to the end you have ensured there will be no ramifications of saying what you really think. Usually we bite our tongues when giving criticism to people... unless you’re a total douche and just act like an ass to everyone. But to those who actually have friends they tend to be nice. There are certain phrases, however, that allow you to speak your mind... aside from “just sayin’”.

There is:

 “I didn’t want to tell you this but...”

“You didn’t hear this from me...”

“I wasn’t going to say anything but...”

“No offence!”

And so on.

Basically, you need to add these to any sentence and then go nuts with whatever thinly veiled insult criticism you have. It seems like an odd loophole that has presented itself to us. Usually the phrase was “if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all”. Now it’s “say whatever the hell you like but don’t make it seem like it’s coming direct from you, rather it’s a duty you are performing to aid the other person in their mistakes”.

Here are some of my own:

“Fake tan is the most fail creation I’ve ever seen. No one can seem to get it right – just sayin’!”

“No offence but if you wear Crocs you will look stupid.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything but Lady Gaga’s bizarre dress choices are a scapegoat for her inability to dance very well.”

“I didn’t want to tell you this but the epilogue in the final Harry Potter book was sappy and unnecessary.”

Just sayin’!