Collective Noun for Celebrities = a Hot Mess

I was recently held down and forced to watch films such as "Valentine's Day", "New Year's Eve" and "He's Just Not that into You".

In the midst of hysteria I came to this conclusion...

Crying is the New Black

Have you ever noticed that in a lot of films - mostly romantic comedies - the heroine gets in a big sulk about something or rather and begins to weep. Meanwhile the guy comforts her and then they both slowly look into one another's eyes and proceed to bonk each other.
Now let me clarify that... when I say the woman "weeps" I actually mean she all out sobs, screams and makes a general scene. Somehow the mouth hanging open, puffy eyed look is what gets the fellas hot under the collar. I don't really understand it... I mean I guess when I cry for real reals I tend to look like I'm snarling, tears running down my blushed cheeks and this vein that goes around my eye stands out like an emo in a crowd of goths. Not my hottest moment.

The men in the films, however, seem to really go for this... Well I must say the film version of extreme crying (from what I have gleaned from accidentally catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I'm in the middle of a break down) is a lot tamer. After having just watched "When Harry met Sally" Sally looks pretty put together when she finds out her ex-boyfriend is now getting married. Sure she's doing the obligatory sudden sniffs, the over usage of tissues and the frantic pacing whilst wearing a dressing gown... but that's it. Anyway Harry looks up at her, they briefly kiss and then it's all over red rover and bam they're in problem city in terms of what this means in their relationship. But I digress.
Who wants to sleep with the sad chick? Or rather, who is legitimately attracted to someone with snot covering 30% of their features?

Forget going to the clubs wearing a cocktail dress and high heels - hell - just fail and exam and have a total freak out about where you want to be in life and you'll pull thousands of caring and understanding guys. I should really write a dating book.

There is one exception to this rule. Moaning Myrtle. She flies out of the toilet (there's a sexy image right there) howling all the while and yet neither Harry or Ron attempt to wipe the tears from her face and sacrifice their relationship (and dignity) for the sake of romance. I guess you couldn't really wipe away tears from a ghost without putting your hand through their head... and then there's the other thing... huh. I guess it doesn't work with ghosts - except in "Ghost".

Whilst there are a bunch of exceptions to the rule I suggest you try it on an unsuspecting male victim and see what happens. Either you get laid or you get a big detox from having a teary. Win, win.

Coming Soon: Prequel IV the Sequel...

Why are all the old movies being remade now? I don’t get it. We’ve seen it. We don’t need to see it again. Unless you want to watch the original over and over and over again because you haven’t gone to the cinema in twenty years and the very thought of leaving your house at all terrifies the living snot out of you. Well that’s fair enough I suppose.

Everywhere I look I see trailers and ads for new films and tv shows that are

a)      Sequels

b)      Prequels

c)       Spin offs

d)      Re-makes

Can’t we come up with anything new? Seriously? These producers get a hold of ONE thing that is popular and then pound every little aspect of it in every way that they can to make more money. God forbid they sat down and WROTE something new. Look at Harry Potter and Star Wars! If I see anymore merchandise for these films I might choke someone with it and I don’t think asphyxiating on a lego Yoda would be a very dignified good way to die.

Most of the time the above genres are a complete total flop. I mean did anyone watch that “Joey” spin-off series after “Friends”? Or the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie? No, I didn’t think so. JUST LET IT DIE.

Now they are re-making “Dirty Dancing” – why? The original is a classic. You can’t re-make a classic and expect to have the same box office results. That’s just stupid.

I have to say it’s pretty easy to come up with a concept – there are , after all, about a thousand different combinations of random stuff you can put together to get something new.

How about a single woman who needs to find a man whilst back-packing through Europe knowing full well that she has terminal cancer that can only be cured with true love and a climactic dance sequence?

Or a middle aged penguin that realises he hasn’t taken life by the balls and decides to move to London where he starts his own rap business only to realise the penguin chick of his dreams is actually his neighbour.

Seriously... given the crap that I see advertised this is pretty comparable.

DVD Dilemma

I’m pretty sure most people have had the occasion where they’ve watched a trailer for a funny film, seen it and then remarked “they showed all the good bits in the ad”.

It sucks. Basically the film industry just snuck up behind you and pinched money from your wallet whilst one of their minions did an amusing dance to keep you from noticing.

I no longer go to the cinema. Not just because of the ad thing but because it is getting ridiculously expensive. I mean they are no longer just taking the cash from your wallet but your entire wallet including the photo of the Jonas Brothers hidden behind your licence (I know it’s there).

A movie watching platform I haven’t yet given up on is the renting process. I go to my local DVD shop, choose a film and go home to watch it – nothing new or observant about that. The problem is once you put the DVD in and desperately attempt to skip the other ads and scare tactics against film piracy you reach the DVD menu. The DVD menu use to be a boring screen to merely alert you to the functions of the disc – play, extra features, set up and so on. DVD menus are now fully interactive with stuff happening all over so you get taken in and forget this is just another form of trailer ruining your viewing experience. If I haven’t seen a film before and the DVD menu comes on it does the exact same thing as a trailer would in that it shows all the decent bits and not even in a well edited version as the trailer would be but rather just the funny moments with no context and no narrating voice stating the obvious.

Why are they doing this? I get that they want the menu to represent the film but COME ON don’t ruin it for me! Someone that has seen the film over a dozen times can’t complain about the menus but if this is the premiere screening for that person then... GRRRRR! There are no words to describe.

All I can say is that I’m not surprised people download movies... at least then you don’t have to endure the film being tarnished before it has even begun.

"Twilight": Bringing Hell to a Screen Near You

This blog has been a long time coming. Since it came out I have mocked, parodied, criticised and laughed heartily at this piece of garbage also known as “Twilight”. I know there are many, many fans out there who love this story – which is fine (I type begrudgingly) but the film is rubbish on so many levels. I watched it again recently out of absolute sheer boredom and took a tally of how many awkward moments there were. In the 120 minute running time I calculated 177 moments of shudder inducing episodes. Given the number I was shuddering the whole way through – it was quite an exercise and luckily no one saw me as I probably looked as though I was having a fit.

I don’t really know where to begin. Chronologically, I suppose – but knowing the stupidness of this film I’ll probably go off on to extended rants.

The film begins with the most convincing actor in this whole tripe fest and that is the deer. Throughout the screening I wondered if the deer had also been hired as the scriptwriter. Surely only an animal with hooves bashing away at a keyboard is the only possible culprit for this dreadful feature. Seriously people, the dialogue is AWFUL. And I don’t mean awful as in “awe inspiring” I mean it as crap. Crappity crap. The crappiest crap that ever did crap.

Moving on. I can’t help but feel that Bella Swan belongs on the short bus. She can barely construct a coherent sentence let alone speak without avoiding eye contact, blinking rapidly, twitching or speaking in a complete monotone. Then we move on to her attire. Baggy shirts, hoodies and jeans as well as that random bowling shirt she wears in one scene do not look hot. If American high school in the popular media is anything to go by then no pubescent adolescent boy would want the socially retarded frump. Let’s be realistic here. The fact that she has like five guys slobbering all over her within minutes of entering the school is laughable and just plain unbelievable. Stephanie Meyer is just trying to trick the unpopular girls of high schools everywhere that secretly boys are in love with them and she’ll sell more books cashing in on this. Sorry, girls, and I say this as an unusual and unloved high school girl myself, teenage boys want the girls with exposed flesh and perky, ignorant attitudes. Boys will notice your awesome personalities AFTER high school. Bella Swan is the exception to this rule as she has no personality. Being clumsy is not a personality. Which leads to my next point. Who would want to be friends with her? Again she just arrives at a new school and is automatically amalgamated into a posse. She has nothing to offer these people. She takes no interest in anything they do and is a total numpty.

Despite this, Bella is the talk of the crappy town known as Forks. Somehow the woman who works in the local tavern has had nothing else happen to her in her life that she remembers Bella’s favourite dessert. And that other guy’s high point in life was playing Santa to Bella over a decade ago. Wow that is one sad ass place if the talking point is Bella, who I have pointed out is nothing special. Well... she’s special in an inverted commas kind of way.

Several terrible and out of place guitar riffs later Edward enters the scene giving the same expression I would give if I were to ever meet Bella – wanting to puke and murder her at the same time. It weirds me out that people all over the world are lusting after this elderly blood sucker. I mean if Edward looked like Dracula, the traditional vampire, would people still want him? If you had this looming over you and watching you sleep?

I don’t think so.

Why would an almost hundred year old person want to hang around with a teenager? Does a mature individual really want to listen to “Oh my god, Mindy at work was being such a cow today. She was all like ‘you can’t do that’ and I was like ‘why not?’ God! Why is my life so hard?” Given that they aren’t getting it on I don’t see the attraction. Plus this whole relationship is so illegal and paedophile-y.

Then there’s a scene at the beach where it’s mandatory for everyone to wear an ugly hat followed by some point where Bella’s dad gives her some pepper spray. Seriously, pepper spray? Aren’t there so many guns available in America they practically come free in cereal boxes?

Bella gets her narcissism on when Edward explains that he can read minds – but not hers. He doesn’t seem to realise it’s because she doesn’t have any thoughts. I guess that’s love for you – or at least some sick Daddy complex thing.

A lot of other clichéd and contrived stuff happens but the “best” part is where Bella blurts out to Edward “you’re beautiful!” and “it’s like diamonds”. Honestly – can she keep a single thought in her head? It would be wack being around her. Once minute you’re discussing... I don’t know... her beat up truck and the next minute she suddenly says “I like carrots” or “my name starts with ‘B’” or “it’s my time of the month” – KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, FOOL!

Last but definitely not least is her hospital performance.

Wow. All her short bus acting lessons really paid off. I really thought her eyelids would fly off given the work out they were given. And the stuttering and incapability to make any sense? Brilliant. If you want to sound like the neediest person in the world then memorise this speech. Who would put up with that? They’ve been dating for a few months and the thought of breaking up sends her into crazy overdrive. She’s fictional and yet I just want to dump her.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re still with me, there you have it. A breakdown of not everything that is wrong with this film as that would take a life time but a look at this crud-bucket we know as “Twilight”. You may ask if I have anything positive to say about this movie and I actually do – the soundtrack is quite good. Other than that it deserves negative eight out of ten.

Happy watching!

Things we Learn from Films

WARNING: There may be spoilers.

Titanic & Titanic II:      NEVER get on a boat with “Titanic” in the title. It will only end badly.

Juno:                            Teen pregnancy is without consequence as long as you have a quirky attitude and a phone in the shape of a hamburger.

The Mummy:                  Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.

The Mummy Returns:    Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.

The Mummy 3:              DON’T F***ING MESS WITH FOREIGN ARTEFACTS!

Avatar:                           Pocahontas is hot regardless if she is blue or not.

Tron Legacy:                  Tron is a pretty crappy universe.

Harry Potter 1-7:            Emma Watson will never learn to act.

Black Swan:                   You can dance the best “Swan Lake” of your life as long as you have a shard of glass lodged in your abdomen and are prepared to die at the end of it.

Gone with the Wind:      You can be successful if you marry a lot and slap everyone.

The Dark Knight:            Screechy violins make for a lot of tension.

Mean Girls:                     Janice Ian needs to wash her hair more often.

Girl with a Pearl Earring:       Be prepared for nothing much to happen.

The Young Victoria:               Be prepared for nothing much to happen.

Saw:                                       Avoid people with terminal cancer.

The Shawshank Redemption: Prison walls are deceptively crumbly.

Pulp Fiction:                       Nothing says family memento than an ass watch.

Inception:                           Crazy ex-wives ruin your career. Even if they are dead.

Fight Club:                          Your alter ego can be much hotter than you.

The Matrix:                         You’re not cool if you don’t wear leather.

Psycho:                                When in the shower – remain vigilant!

The Silence of the Lambs:   Buffalo Bill puts an awful lot of effort into his outfits.  

Forest Gump:                       I want a friend called Bubba.

Spirited Away/Alice in Wonderland:        For the sake of the audience’s sanity – just roll with it, okay?

The Shining:                        Stephen King gets a bit carried away with extra plot details.

WALL-E:                               The human race is destined to be fat and doomed. In that order.

Inglorious Basterds:            World War II fan fiction at its best.

Up:                                        A barren, dead wife does not a happy film make.

The Wizard of Oz:               Always steal the shoes of dead people.

Slumdog Millionaire:          You can easily cheapen any great film with a dance number at the end.

The Sixth Sense:                Bruce Willis’ character likes to hang out with young boys.

District 9:                           Aliens like cat food.

V for Vendetta:                   Natalie Portman’s  character lost her hair for no reason.

The Social Network:           Friends are expendable for fame!

The Smize have it

I've always felt that James Bond was a little bit too "boy" orientated what with the countless women in need of being slept with, the guns, unattractive bad guys and explosions. Don't get me wrong these components appeal to many, many people but not so much me. I mean do we really need 22 movies to explain that Bond is a walking STD - WE GET IT!

So... I have come up with a handy editing technique that will cater these films to everyone - especially me. These involve the one and only Tyra Banks and her patented "smile with your eyes" modelling technique also known as the "smize". Enjoy!