Collective Noun for Celebrities = a Hot Mess

I was recently held down and forced to watch films such as "Valentine's Day", "New Year's Eve" and "He's Just Not that into You".

In the midst of hysteria I came to this conclusion...

Celebrity Chefs

Why is it that everything now needs a celebrity chef to endorse it? When all this shenanigans started it was tolerable and it made sense to some extent. Celebrity chefs that we had a vague idea of would bang on and on about how good this certain product was. It started out as food products. Nigella Lawson sensually enunciates her way through a tea commercial whilst Curtis Stone is fondling the fruit and veg (oo-err) in our local supermarket adverts.

Chefs who write cook books, have cooking shows and teach us how to cook now telling us the benefits of certain foods over others. It made sense.

Next we have some "celebrity chef" that I had never heard of pop up in a dominos pizza ad. And another with KFC. It seems odd to me that a chef, who understands the basics of food and their nutritional content, would decide to speak the so-called benefits of the new fatty sandwich or pizza. Or pizza sandwich. I guess everyone has their price. And the viewers have their conscience that tiny but clearer.

Next came a Hungry Jack's ad (it's like Burger King) which had a "gourmet chef recipe" for their latest burger. There was no actual chef... just the recipe. The whole chef element has been replaced. All I can imagine is a phantom chef somewhere in the seedy underground warehouse of Hungry Jack's being held in shackles and chains making fancy burger recipes every hour of the day in order to avoid another whipping.

Soon they'll be endorsing anything from tyres to underwear to sombreros to birth control. It's getting weird.

Eventually they will have stooped so low and been paid so much that I can imagine a big billboard with Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver (one of the really big name celeb chefs who seem to care a lot about world issues) standing next to starving African children holding a glass of dirty water with the words "when I'm in poverty I only drink contaminated water. There is nothing else like it! Nothing at all!" and giving a cheesy grin. It's only a matter of time.

If Celebrities were Cocktails...

BLATANT DISCLAIMER: 

Do not attempt to make or consume any of the following drinks. They are for written hilarity purposes only.

-          Miley Cyrus =     ½  cup sugar cubes, 400ml stomach bile.

-          Justin Bieber = 400ml warm milk.

-          Bono =                 600ml Guinness. Garnish with sprinkles of blended facial accessories served in biodegradable and vegan friendly cup.

-          Donald Trump = 200ml Scotch, 50ml tooth bleach. Garnish with yellow diamonds and the blood of endangered animals.    

-          Jack Black =         100g melted cheese, 100g bean dip, 100ml chocolate milk, 200ml generic beer, hint of speed.

-          Janice Dickinson = 400ml champagne. Pour into nearby gutter, use sponge to then transfer back into champagne flute and serve.  

-          Lindsay Lohan = 600ml soapy water.

-          Kristen Stewart = 100ml vodka, 100ml white rum, 400ml water, 100ml gin.  

-          Robert Pattinson = Blend lemon cough drops and the facial stubble of a human male with dark rum and serve.

-          Taylor Swift =     50g strawberries, 1 tbsp honey, 400ml apple juice blended. Dust rim of glass with anthrax.

-          Katy Perry =       100g strawberries, 100ml pineapple juice, 2 tsp white sugar, 200ml mango juice. Freeze into cylindrical shaped ice block and eat suggestively.  

-          Amy Winehouse =Box of wine poured directly down oesophagus.

-          Arnold Schwarzenegger = 5 raw eggs, unhealthy dose of steroids, ½ cup muscle growth powder, 15ml whiskey. Shake and serve. Spoon may be required.

-          Snooki =               1 tangle of miscellaneous dark hair found in drain of public bathroom, 1 litre of cheap vodka. Serve in a plastic bucket.  

-          Scarlett Johansson = 300ml cream, 200ml espresso. Rim the glass with cigarette ash.

-          Michael Cera = Alco-pop served with straw.  

-          Keira Knightley = 200ml pure lime juice, 200ml pure lemon juice, 200ml cranberry juice.

-          Willow Smith = 400g sequins, 200g glitter, 200ml orange fruit drink served in sippy cup.

-          Lady Gaga =        Find any number of random objects and blend. Garnish with sparklers and serve on top of one’s own head.

-          Charlie Sheen =  200ml methylated spirits, 50ml nail polish remover, crushed ice, crushed assorted illegal drugs. Shake well and serve over lit cigarettes.

-          Russell Brand =                 600ml mixture of scotch, whiskey, rum and vodka, one tsp of human sweat served in an unwashed martini glass.

-          Ke$ha =                2 tbsp sequins, 200ml cheap sparkling white wine, 200ml arsenic served in an old boot.

-          Paris Hilton =      An empty cup.