"Twilight": Bringing Hell to a Screen Near You

This blog has been a long time coming. Since it came out I have mocked, parodied, criticised and laughed heartily at this piece of garbage also known as “Twilight”. I know there are many, many fans out there who love this story – which is fine (I type begrudgingly) but the film is rubbish on so many levels. I watched it again recently out of absolute sheer boredom and took a tally of how many awkward moments there were. In the 120 minute running time I calculated 177 moments of shudder inducing episodes. Given the number I was shuddering the whole way through – it was quite an exercise and luckily no one saw me as I probably looked as though I was having a fit.

I don’t really know where to begin. Chronologically, I suppose – but knowing the stupidness of this film I’ll probably go off on to extended rants.

The film begins with the most convincing actor in this whole tripe fest and that is the deer. Throughout the screening I wondered if the deer had also been hired as the scriptwriter. Surely only an animal with hooves bashing away at a keyboard is the only possible culprit for this dreadful feature. Seriously people, the dialogue is AWFUL. And I don’t mean awful as in “awe inspiring” I mean it as crap. Crappity crap. The crappiest crap that ever did crap.

Moving on. I can’t help but feel that Bella Swan belongs on the short bus. She can barely construct a coherent sentence let alone speak without avoiding eye contact, blinking rapidly, twitching or speaking in a complete monotone. Then we move on to her attire. Baggy shirts, hoodies and jeans as well as that random bowling shirt she wears in one scene do not look hot. If American high school in the popular media is anything to go by then no pubescent adolescent boy would want the socially retarded frump. Let’s be realistic here. The fact that she has like five guys slobbering all over her within minutes of entering the school is laughable and just plain unbelievable. Stephanie Meyer is just trying to trick the unpopular girls of high schools everywhere that secretly boys are in love with them and she’ll sell more books cashing in on this. Sorry, girls, and I say this as an unusual and unloved high school girl myself, teenage boys want the girls with exposed flesh and perky, ignorant attitudes. Boys will notice your awesome personalities AFTER high school. Bella Swan is the exception to this rule as she has no personality. Being clumsy is not a personality. Which leads to my next point. Who would want to be friends with her? Again she just arrives at a new school and is automatically amalgamated into a posse. She has nothing to offer these people. She takes no interest in anything they do and is a total numpty.

Despite this, Bella is the talk of the crappy town known as Forks. Somehow the woman who works in the local tavern has had nothing else happen to her in her life that she remembers Bella’s favourite dessert. And that other guy’s high point in life was playing Santa to Bella over a decade ago. Wow that is one sad ass place if the talking point is Bella, who I have pointed out is nothing special. Well... she’s special in an inverted commas kind of way.

Several terrible and out of place guitar riffs later Edward enters the scene giving the same expression I would give if I were to ever meet Bella – wanting to puke and murder her at the same time. It weirds me out that people all over the world are lusting after this elderly blood sucker. I mean if Edward looked like Dracula, the traditional vampire, would people still want him? If you had this looming over you and watching you sleep?

I don’t think so.

Why would an almost hundred year old person want to hang around with a teenager? Does a mature individual really want to listen to “Oh my god, Mindy at work was being such a cow today. She was all like ‘you can’t do that’ and I was like ‘why not?’ God! Why is my life so hard?” Given that they aren’t getting it on I don’t see the attraction. Plus this whole relationship is so illegal and paedophile-y.

Then there’s a scene at the beach where it’s mandatory for everyone to wear an ugly hat followed by some point where Bella’s dad gives her some pepper spray. Seriously, pepper spray? Aren’t there so many guns available in America they practically come free in cereal boxes?

Bella gets her narcissism on when Edward explains that he can read minds – but not hers. He doesn’t seem to realise it’s because she doesn’t have any thoughts. I guess that’s love for you – or at least some sick Daddy complex thing.

A lot of other clichéd and contrived stuff happens but the “best” part is where Bella blurts out to Edward “you’re beautiful!” and “it’s like diamonds”. Honestly – can she keep a single thought in her head? It would be wack being around her. Once minute you’re discussing... I don’t know... her beat up truck and the next minute she suddenly says “I like carrots” or “my name starts with ‘B’” or “it’s my time of the month” – KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, FOOL!

Last but definitely not least is her hospital performance.

Wow. All her short bus acting lessons really paid off. I really thought her eyelids would fly off given the work out they were given. And the stuttering and incapability to make any sense? Brilliant. If you want to sound like the neediest person in the world then memorise this speech. Who would put up with that? They’ve been dating for a few months and the thought of breaking up sends her into crazy overdrive. She’s fictional and yet I just want to dump her.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re still with me, there you have it. A breakdown of not everything that is wrong with this film as that would take a life time but a look at this crud-bucket we know as “Twilight”. You may ask if I have anything positive to say about this movie and I actually do – the soundtrack is quite good. Other than that it deserves negative eight out of ten.

Happy watching!