It’s great to think how babein’ you will look in these outfits but then I tend to forget that life in those times would actually have been a bit grim. So I’ve decided to come up with a list of pros and cons for the different historical periods and their respective fashions.
Starting from the beginning... Well – the earliest recorded depiction of attire that we have...Ancient Egyptian
Pros
· Talk about bling. Well head bling at least. And I’m not just talking crowns and tiaras and so on. I’m talking wigs. No need to worry if your hair is greasy or getting those pesky knots out – hair on and you’re out the door in seconds! Genius!
· Everything about Egypt is cool. Pyramids are cool. Cats are cool. The colour gold is cool. Plus EVERYONE wears eyeliner! It would be like living in pirate/rock star land! And you get to “Walk like an Egyptian”! Ha! Ha! Ha! ... ... Anyone?
Cons· Living in a culture that appears to be obsessed with death – little bit creepy.
· If you weren’t a part of the rich minority you would be stuck hauling rocks day in and day out with very little time off– much like any other job I suppose...
Ancient Greece 
Pros
· Togas ROCK. If you live in a particularly heated climate, as I do, you will understand the awesomeness of a cool breeze – in all areas.
· It would be like going to toga party EVERY DAY. That would make boring daily activities like going to work and brushing your teeth (assuming they did that) so much more cool because you would be wearing a robe!
Cons· Wearing sandals all the time would be a pain. As cute as they are there will be times when a real shoe is required like when walking through puddles. Plus sandals hurt my feet for the most part and the latest craze of gladiator sandals was old even for them.
· Lots of dudes scamming on little boys. Not okay.
· Constantly seeing that look of bliss on every man’s face when there is a cool breeze downstairs.
The Middle Ages
Pros
· The Middle Ages was all about the headgear. Every day you could choose a different type of head accessory and not be laughed at.
· You’re more than welcome to have a medieval themed wedding – after all it would be legitimate and not... weird.
Cons
· If you lived in the Middle Ages, chances are you wouldn’t even be able to afford a hat. Let alone a new one every day.
· Chances are the fabrics used were itchy and scratchy and hell. Sure you’d look all royal and fancy as long as you weren’t furiously scratching yourself in all places at all times.
Tudor England
Pros
· Hello, velvet! You are able to wear enormous dresses made entirely out of this deluxe material and not be categorised as a Goth.
· Square neck lines. Just because they aren’t used enough in this day and age.
Cons
· They probably made square neck lines so when you got your head chopped off it didn’t spatter blood on the gown. That’s not cool.
· Whilst there are many pros... the fact is probably everything and everyone smelt like poo. And had urinary tract infections.
Elizabethan Era
Pros
· Bustles and hoop skirts. Why bother dieting? With all this fabric and undergarment paraphernalia who’s to know you do actually look fat in that outfit? Plus those big sleeves would hide any bingo wings/tuckshop arms/fatty forearms. Brilliant!
· With all those large neck frills it would be easy to hide yourself from unwanted persons. Just think – your ex walks by you in the marketplace with his latest strumpet and you don’t want to be seen. Simply angle your neck ruffles and you could be anyone! Genius!
Cons
· Although there was any array of cool gowns to gad about it in and you were noble enough to wear them – you still didn’t even get to mix it up! The type of clothes you wore were governed by law and if you wanted to play dress-ups for a party you could lose your head.
· Pretty sure for a lot of these dresses the women were sewed into them which meant wearing the same dress for over a week. Ew.
Restoration
Pros
· At least they look clean. Which is a lot to say considering the previous time periods we’ve looked at.
· Now men can understand how darn annoying stockings are to wear!
Cons
· How could you consider any man hot? I mean seriously, they would all look like total fools. You can’t call a man hot/fit or handsome when they are wearing a long haired curly wig, stockings and resemble Captain Hook.
· Pretty sure this was the time when everyone was sleeping with everyone else (ha – what time period doesn’t have that going on?) the only problem was this meant everyone was desperately trying to mask their syphilis scars with little facial tattoos. It would be a lot like living in a gang, I imagine.
1800s – Regency Era
Pros
· You get to look just like Elizabeth Bennet from “Pride and Prejudice”
· You can totally blow peoples’ minds. The fact that you can wear a bonnet and have your lady lumps propped up and out for the world at the same time is hilarious. In essence you get around looking like some sort of lady child. Also – you could make a man faint by just showing off your ankles!
Cons
· You get to look just like Elizabeth Bennet from “Pride and Prejudice”
· They seem to wear a lot of white and pastel colours. That seems like unnecessary work for everyone involved in this outfit. If you eat messily you can pretty much guarantee looking like a pauper in under twenty minutes.
American Civil War/Gone with the Wind
Pros
· No one could invade your personal space – even if they wanted to.
· No man would expect you to wear uncomfortable undergarments as they do now. No more pain-in-the-ass (literally!) tiny underpants – hello enormous bloomers!
Cons
· Corsets. Okay they look awesome on but crushing all my gizzards for no real reason seems kind of sucky. I mean I struggle to wear a high waisted belt and eat a big meal without bursting.
· Something I probably should have mentioned earlier – and is applicable in most of the aforementioned categories – the fact that there is no birth control and you either lived the life of a sad spinster or had litters of children and the ran the constant risk of carking it in child birth.
1920s
Pros
· These have to be the cutest hair styles in the world.
· There was a sense of propriety. Yes this would get old in certain areas of life (like not being able to look at a man without everyone assuming you’re an item) but for the most part it would be car doors being opened and them always standing when you decide to leave the room – an aspect of this time that I would definitely abuse by running in and out.
Cons
· Every person in this time seems to be a total idiot as seen in “The Great Gatsby”.
· If you wanted to wear anything that would show off your hourglass figure you were out of luck.
1980s
Pros
· Seriously – are there any?
Cons
· 1980s fashion is foul. I don’t care what anyone says – designer or otherwise – this stuff should have died here and now. Florescent, shoulder padded, bad haired, power suited and David Hasselhoff’d – it all should have been left here to die.
So there you have it. In this day and age I get around the house in tracksuit pants and a sloppy tee-shirt and no one chides me – which is awesome. The bonus of today is also that I can wear all of the above outfits any time I want – as long as it’s Halloween and there is a skanky version of each.
No comments:
Post a Comment