The Festi-Girl

I went to a music festival this weekend.

I enjoyed it.

The only problem was once I walked through the festival gates all I saw was this.

I then realised I had discovered a new species – the festival girl. Also known as the Festi-Girl.

Given their attire and the temperature at this particular festival I can only hope that they will soon become endangered. More on that in a minute.

The festival girl is a young woman (most likely a teen) who attends a music festival in the hopes of ensnaring a partner by wearing little clothing and racing about the place. The fact that the purpose of the very festival is to listen to music is irrelevant. They call to one another in high pitched squeals and often embrace by throwing their arms and legs around the other person and spinning around. For example “SaaaaaarrrrrrrraaaaaAAAHHAHHHHHH!!!” Imagine that the capitalised letters are in a higher tone. And by “higher tone” I mean blood will gently cascade from your ears.

These girls attend music festivals in little packs so as to attract as much attention as possible from moronic young males who can be seen wearing hats with little propellers on them and tight, tight pants. When the two sexes meet they interact with a dialogue consisting of monosyllabic responses punctuated with giggling and hair flicking.

Before their targets have been sucked in they need to prune themselves into an appropriate state of skankiness. This involves each girl in the group choosing a complete outfit which makes them looks like they’ve stumbled out of a forest having been lost for at least three days without shelter.

Let me explain. Starting from the top. The festival girl likes their hair to be long, messed up and often badly dyed. They believe that festivals are a time to reunite with 70s era (not that they are aware as anything that happened less than a year prior is not worth knowing) by wearing a band around their heads which often pulls their raggy hair up in an odd bun. This is to make them seem bigger and more of a threat to other festival girls that may be “snakin’ [their] man”.

Then there’s the make-up. In the words of every great consumer “more is more” and these festival girls certainly provide. Under their layers of foundation, which are only a colour match to the rest of their bodies in the dark, are several million layers of fake tan. This fake tan covers their entire bodies and they feel that looking orange, brown and speckled in most areas is the best way to achieve a state of true beauty.

Now if the messy hair and dirty looking skin doesn’t make you think they’ve emerged from a hedge then just check out their “clothes”. Festival girls prefer to wear clothing that leaves very little to the imagination. After all they have to be quick about their advances to the opposite sex after all any minute they might grow up and be taken seriously. First, I assume there is basic underwear – often their brassieres, which hold nothing but scrunched up tissues and a lot of hoping, are on display for everyone to see. In the world outside the festival it is more appropriate to cover this up but as it is a festival the illusion of covering it up is all that is necessary which is why festival girls where a singlet that looks like it has been through a lawnmower. Next come the shorts. A festival girl must show off as much leg as possible. It is a double bonus if they can get away with their bottoms hanging out the back. Usually they take regular pants and cut them to within an inch of their life, leaving the now exposed pockets to dangle limply against their orange thighs. It is not in a festival girls’ knowledge to check the back of their thighs for cellulite and cover up as festival girls are not designed to look backwards – always forwards. Possibly upwards. Add some oversized lace-up boots and we’re done.

Over the course of the day I noticed every festival girl I saw looked a) exactly like the one before her and b) miserable. I was confused. Why would they attend a music festival – which is meant to be fun – only to look sour? Then I realised. A festival girl’s life is filled with drama. If they have no drama going on then they die. Festival girls live in a state of anger, shame, guilt, confusion and lust. These emotions usually culminate in a series of episodes which they act out during the day such as: cheating on someone, being cheated on, actually speaking your mind, getting insulted, losing your friends in a crowd and being unbelievably unprepared for the weather.

Which leads me to my final point... when you think of a music festival you think of sunny skies, green grass, heat, snow cones and laughter. The music festival I was attending was in a climate where my car was covered in ice by the time I went home. Needless to say that an anorexic pair of shorts wouldn’t cut in this weather. I would look pretty miserable too if I had dressed entirely for the opposite sex and under the pressure of my festival girl group – mostly because I would be cold. I was wearing a snow jacket and ear muffs and I was having a great time! I can only assume since the festival ended at a temperature of -2 degrees that they perished.

One can only hope.     

The Faker the Better... Apparently.

Why do so many women have fake nails? As in acrylic, glued-on, tackily coloured false finger nails. It seems an odd thing to spend money and time on when they appear to be nothing more than an unattractive hindrance on everyday activities.

Obviously, as indicated by this blog, I have never had and never will have plastic attachments glued to me – unless they can come up with some brilliant fake wings they can join into my shoulder blades and then I wouldn’t have to face the greatest trial of life which is the airport. But until science catches up with my imagination (not likely) I shall not be upgraded.

The main problem I have with them is that they look really stupid. Sure, you can get small barely noticeable ones which are fine as they just make it look like you have nails unlike some of us who chew them right down to the knuckle, like myself. Those make sense. Anything longer than your nail should be (and I’m talking anywhere from 1cm past your fingertip) and it is just ridiculous. You end up looking like a technicolour Edward Scissorhands. Have you ever had to listen to someone fumbling using a keyboard with those things on? It sounds like a bunch of cats and possums tapping out their adaptation of “Singin’ in the Rain” on a tin roof. It gets extremely annoying after about thirty seconds when the realisation sets in that you will be listening to this for an undisclosed period of time. I’m pretty sure it would be self-defence if the typing extravaganza ended with murder.

The other thing with them is that no matter how intelligent you may be the minute you get these adhesive nightmares attached everyone will think you are a total dumbass. You can witness a person make a slight error and forgive them, laugh it off but if that person has fake nails you will immediately categorise them as a frivolous and vain moron. That’s all there is to it.

I guess they can’t be too stupid in having these falsies given that they can:

a)      Manage to use a toilet

b)      Pick their own noses

c)       Attend to infants

d)      Use balloons

...all without injuring themselves and the other party. It is rather impressive I must admit. I mean it’s not like I’ve ever seen anyone with garishly painted nails sporting a constant bloody nose or skewered newborn.

High Heels and Low Expectations

Why is it practically impossible to find a nice pair of high heels shoes? Every season I race to the shopping centre thinking “maybe this season I will find a pair of heels that don’t make me want to wash my eyes in acid after looking at them”. This season requires a lot of acid.

Apparently stripper style shoes are the new thing here... I’m sure this tsunami of ugly has already destroyed everyone in the Northern hemisphere but down here it is just starting and I can’t find an umbrella big enough to shield me.

When walking through a shoe shop now I hear these women going “I want a pair of heels that are really classy, elegant and hot” and then they buy these...

 Seriously? Watching drunken girls totter home on regular heels is sad enough but these things? You’d need a step ladder to reach their face to wipe the vomit of their inebriated chins. That and they look like total hags. Since when did adding an extra inch of height to already high shoes become okay in the light of day? These dreadful things shouldn’t leave the poorly lit linoleum stages of an underground booty bar.

When I go through these stores now I like to look at the really horrendous shoes and think of the strippers that would be wearing them, their names and their identities.

 For example, these would belong to Mitzy. Mitzy wears little skanky playboy versions of Little Bo Peep outfits and uses her crook to scrape up the five dollar bills that litter the area surrounding her tacky shoes.

 Candy. Bleached blonde hair, orange fake tan that has sickly looking splotches all over her legs and enough eye liner to sink a battle ship.

 Amber. The tightest dress on the biggest girl. Imagine spaghetti straps straining over a large amount of fleshy girth met with boobs that are so far pushed up they look like melons trying to escape an overfilled grocery bag. Basically it’s Snookie.

Tiffani. Dressed like a schoolgirl complete with way too short tartan skirt, knee high white socks and a whole lot of daddy issues.

Vixxxen. One of those hard core Goth/bondage type outfits that look both painful to wear and be seen in.

 The Cougar. Mutton dressed as lamb. Pretty straight forward just look at most of Hollywood and then add a touch of bogan style.

Laquiee’sha. A mardi gra inspired outfit who is actually a transvestite.

iphone4 is SO Last Season...

We all know those people who dress really badly and when you try to make subtle hints about improving their general appearance they bang on and on about how the fashion industry has corrupted us all and they don't buy into that sort of stuff thereby making you look like a totally superficial and vain ass for even mentioning it. You know the people I mean.

Well I've been thinking about it and these full-time running shoe wearers with high socks and oversized t-shirts boasting destinations their family and friends have been to are also the ones who lose sleep over the excitement of new gadget being released.
These are the people that queue up outside the Mac store waiting for the new iwhatever to be available to the public when it does pretty much the same thing as the previous inonsense but with a different shape. The point is having these pieces of premium technology gives people the sense of superiority over those who are still using a lesser gadget. Of course this whole process is then eclipsed by the next big thing and they race out and buy it storing it safely in a big bucket labelled "junk"that gets turfed to the deep, dark recesses of the garage.

Doesn't this sound awfully familiar? Fashion familiar, in fact? Yeah, I thought so too.
How is fashion any different? These people, who from now on will be referred to as nerds for lack of a a better term, wet their pants at the prospect of owning a new console or gadget mastering in its advanced technological wizardry. If you even suggest to these nerds that they just put on a clean shirt they get that smug and disapproving look and cry "fashion fascism". They seem to think that the small percentage of people who actually do change their entire wardrobe every three months are the same as the rest of the world who realise their favourite shirt is now riddled with holes and barely readable after too many spins in the washing machine and dump it.

Here's the reality: looking good will get you laid.

Man Clothes are Manly

There’s so much irony in this world I don’t know where to begin! Probably with this blog... and its title. Duh.

Men.

The eternal question.

I should probably rephrase that.

Men?

Ahhh men... the “y” chromosome of manliness. Men want to be considered masculine – generally – and in order to do this they shun all that is the opposite. All that is girly. One of the aforementioned shunned fields is that of fashion or rather caring about the way they physically appear to others. At least openly. I know loads of guys who spend FOREVER on their I-didn’t-even-try look but that is not the irony of the day.

It weirds me out that dudes consider clothes as girly yet the manliest of all sports (I give this title due to the violence, brutality, sweatiness and lack of shirts) is boxing. Boxing, as far as I can deduce, is two blokes beating the living bejeepers out of one another whilst wearing shorts and mittens. Does anyone else find it odd that the manliest man (the victor) is bestowed with an accessory? Otherwise known as an item of clothing. Nothing says “I destroy other men” like a pimped out, bling-bling belt. It happens in A LOT of sports now that I think about it.

What about cycling? Or rather the Tour-de-France. Okay we are taking a step down in the manly list with this one given the fact that these guys are admittedly shaving their legs but the winner of the whole she-bang is awarded the coveted yellow jersey. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a jersey let alone a yellow one.

Then there’s golf. Again I don’t really see this as particularly manly. Tiger Woods attempted to make the sport pretty pimpin’ when he started screwing around with other women and his wife took to him with a golf club (oh the irony...). But at the end of the day these guys earn millions of bucks for twisting a stick. At the end the best twister gets a jacket. A jacket is an item of clothing just in case you were unaware.

Cricket tournaments just get some old dirt. I guess you could use it as body glitter if you got really desperate.
Before you know it Rugby players will be given some garishly coloured lingerie as a prize.

F-F-F-Fashion

You know when you watch a film from another time period and you begin to think how cool it would have been to live in that time solely to wear the get-up that they do? I get that a lot.

It’s great to think how babein’ you will look in these outfits but then I tend to forget that life in those times would actually have been a bit grim. So I’ve decided to come up with a list of pros and cons for the different historical periods and their respective fashions.

Starting from the beginning... Well – the earliest recorded depiction of attire that we have...

Ancient Egyptian

Pros

·         Talk about bling. Well head bling at least. And I’m not just talking crowns and tiaras and so on. I’m talking wigs. No need to worry if your hair is greasy or getting those pesky knots out – hair on and you’re out the door in seconds! Genius!

·         Everything about Egypt is cool. Pyramids are cool. Cats are cool. The colour gold is cool. Plus EVERYONE wears eyeliner! It would be like living in pirate/rock star land! And you get to “Walk like an Egyptian”! Ha! Ha! Ha! ...            ... Anyone?

Cons

·         Living in a culture that appears to be obsessed with death – little bit creepy.

·         If you weren’t a part of the rich minority you would be stuck hauling rocks day in and day out with very little time off– much like any other job I suppose...

Ancient Greece

Pros

·         Togas ROCK. If you live in a particularly heated climate, as I do, you will understand the awesomeness of a cool breeze – in all areas.

·         It would be like going to toga party EVERY DAY. That would make boring daily activities like going to work and brushing your teeth (assuming they did that) so much more cool because you would be wearing a robe!

Cons

·         Wearing sandals all the time would be a pain. As cute as they are there will be times when a real shoe is required like when walking through puddles. Plus sandals hurt my feet for the most part and the latest craze of gladiator sandals was old even for them.

·         Lots of dudes scamming on little boys. Not okay.

·         Constantly seeing that look of bliss on every man’s face when there is a cool breeze downstairs.

The Middle Ages

Pros

·         The Middle Ages was all about the headgear. Every day you could choose a different type of head accessory and not be laughed at.

·         You’re more than welcome to have a medieval themed wedding – after all it would be legitimate and not... weird.

Cons

·         If you lived in the Middle Ages, chances are you wouldn’t even be able to afford a hat. Let alone a new one every day.

·         Chances are the fabrics used were itchy and scratchy and hell. Sure you’d look all royal and fancy as long as you weren’t furiously scratching yourself in all places at all times.

Tudor England

Pros

·         Hello, velvet! You are able to wear enormous dresses made entirely out of this deluxe material and not be categorised as a Goth.

·         Square neck lines. Just because they aren’t used enough in this day and age.

Cons

·         They probably made square neck lines so when you got your head chopped off it didn’t spatter blood on the gown. That’s not cool.

·         Whilst there are many pros... the fact is probably everything and everyone smelt like poo. And had urinary tract infections.

Elizabethan Era

Pros

·         Bustles and hoop skirts. Why bother dieting? With all this fabric and undergarment paraphernalia who’s to know you do actually look fat in that outfit? Plus those big sleeves would hide any bingo wings/tuckshop arms/fatty forearms. Brilliant!

·         With all those large neck frills it would be easy to hide yourself from unwanted persons. Just think – your ex walks by you in the marketplace with his latest strumpet and you don’t want to be seen. Simply angle your neck ruffles and you could be anyone! Genius!

Cons

·         Although there was any array of cool gowns to gad about it in and you were noble enough to wear them – you still didn’t even get to mix it up! The type of clothes you wore were governed by law and if you wanted to play dress-ups for a party you could lose your head.

·         Pretty sure for a lot of these dresses the women were sewed into them which meant wearing the same dress for over a week. Ew.

Restoration

Pros

·         At least they look clean. Which is a lot to say considering the previous time periods we’ve looked at.

·         Now men can understand how darn annoying stockings are to wear!

Cons

·         How could you consider any man hot? I mean seriously, they would all look like total fools. You can’t call a man hot/fit or handsome when they are wearing a long haired curly wig, stockings and resemble Captain Hook.

·         Pretty sure this was the time when everyone was sleeping with everyone else (ha – what time period doesn’t have that going on?) the only problem was this meant everyone was desperately trying to mask their syphilis scars with little facial tattoos. It would be a lot like living in a gang, I imagine.

1800s – Regency Era

Pros

·         You get to look just like Elizabeth Bennet from “Pride and Prejudice”

·         You can totally blow peoples’ minds. The fact that you can wear a bonnet and have your lady lumps propped up and out for the world at the same time is hilarious. In essence you get around looking like some sort of lady child. Also – you could make a man faint by just showing off your ankles!

Cons

·         You get to look just like Elizabeth Bennet from “Pride and Prejudice”

·         They seem to wear a lot of white and pastel colours. That seems like unnecessary work for everyone involved in this outfit. If you eat messily you can pretty much guarantee looking like a pauper in under twenty minutes.

American Civil War/Gone with the Wind

Pros

·         No one could invade your personal space – even if they wanted to.

·         No man would expect you to wear uncomfortable undergarments as they do now. No more pain-in-the-ass (literally!) tiny underpants – hello enormous bloomers!

Cons

·         Corsets. Okay they look awesome on but crushing all my gizzards for no real reason seems kind of sucky. I mean I struggle to wear a high waisted belt and eat a big meal without bursting.

·         Something I probably should have mentioned earlier – and is applicable in most of the aforementioned categories – the fact that there is no birth control and you either lived the life of a sad spinster or had litters of children and the ran the constant risk of carking it in child birth.

1920s

Pros

·         These have to be the cutest hair styles in the world.

·         There was a sense of propriety. Yes this would get old in certain areas of life (like not being able to look at a man without everyone assuming you’re an item) but for the most part it would be car doors being opened and them always standing when you decide to leave the room – an aspect of this time that I would definitely abuse by running in and out.

Cons

·         Every person in this time seems to be a total idiot as seen in “The Great Gatsby”.

·         If you wanted to wear anything that would show off your hourglass figure you were out of luck.

1980s

Pros

·         Seriously – are there any?

Cons

·         1980s fashion is foul. I don’t care what anyone says – designer or otherwise – this stuff should have died here and now. Florescent, shoulder padded, bad haired, power suited and David Hasselhoff’d – it all should have been left here to die.

So there you have it. In this day and age I get around the house in tracksuit pants and a sloppy tee-shirt and no one chides me – which is awesome. The bonus of today is also that I can wear all of the above outfits any time I want – as long as it’s Halloween and there is a skanky version of each.

Just a Thought: Careers

Isn’t it ironic (don’t ya think?) that all the industries that are considered ‘feminine’ are ruled by men? I don’t understand how blokes can go around thinking that fashion and food are girly career choices. I mean, most of the world renowned fashion designers and chefs are men. Sure, there’s probably loads of women in each of these industries but the ones at the top are usually men – why is this? I could go on a feminist rant and say that it’s the case in every industry because our Western capitalist society is inherently patriarchal – but I won’t.

It just seems really funny to me that there would be weirdness in some families when a son says to a father “Dad, I want to be a fashion designer/chef”.

How are these “girly” careers? Traditionally, women are the ones who cook and take an interest in clothes but it’s the highest peak of these workplaces that are occupied by men.

Just a thought...

Girls These Days...

Why are parents letting their children gad about in mini-skank outfits? Why are they letting their little girls roam the earth looking like real life “Bratz” dolls?

Okay. Parents are in trouble when their kids are lying face down on the floor of the store thrashing their little limbs around, face red with rage screaming for “that pink, glittery boob tube!” Tough times. I get it.

I guess the really sad part is that kids want to dress this way. You know the way I mean. Tiny scraps of plaid fabric that apparently result in a skirt teamed with a tight fitted mid-drift exposing shirt that reads something like “bad girl” or “rock star” (for the sake of our society I hope neither of these statements are true) whilst they totter along in high heel glittery shoes with their overly crimped, teased, combed hair bobbing and adorned with various plastic junky clips and a tiny and pointless handbag containing nothing. 

Whatever happened to gingham dresses? And little sandals with ladybirds and butterflies on them?

I remember as a kid my favourite outfit consisted of a florescent green, yellow and blue striped, faux-angora turtleneck sweater teamed with some khaki corduroy trousers. When I wore these things I thought I looked sophisticated and awesome. Looking back I realise I looked like a total retard. Nonetheless these are lessons we must learn.

I got to high school and realised girls my age were dressing like young women – young adults even (though to me that meant they were wearing jeans and a tee-shirt but you get the idea). My friends had matching accessories and styled hair. I went home found everything in my wardrobe that was red – pants, shirt, shoes and hair clips and gave my hair a vicious brush and went out into the world looking, once again, like a total fool. But I was sure this was what was necessary. The next outing would involve me wearing everything blue or orange and that is what makes you a kid. You are learning. Learning how to dress, what suits you, what styles are best and so on and so forth. The fact is you need to learn this for yourself – not have your favourite celebrity and store jam their style down your throat.

To this day I still look at photos of myself from a couple years prior and shudder at the outfit choices I made but I don’t regret it. I mean my kids need something to laugh at, right?

So as a message to the tweens that roam the shopping centres and are far better styled than I am – wear stuff that’s your age! There’s nothing wrong with dressing your age because, believe me, if you try to dress as a 13 year old later – it will be a big mistake. A huge mutton-dressed-as-lamb mistake.

And for the love of all things holy – take off the push-up bras! There’s nothing to “push-up” so relax! Nature will prevail in its own time.