iphone4 is SO Last Season...

We all know those people who dress really badly and when you try to make subtle hints about improving their general appearance they bang on and on about how the fashion industry has corrupted us all and they don't buy into that sort of stuff thereby making you look like a totally superficial and vain ass for even mentioning it. You know the people I mean.

Well I've been thinking about it and these full-time running shoe wearers with high socks and oversized t-shirts boasting destinations their family and friends have been to are also the ones who lose sleep over the excitement of new gadget being released.
These are the people that queue up outside the Mac store waiting for the new iwhatever to be available to the public when it does pretty much the same thing as the previous inonsense but with a different shape. The point is having these pieces of premium technology gives people the sense of superiority over those who are still using a lesser gadget. Of course this whole process is then eclipsed by the next big thing and they race out and buy it storing it safely in a big bucket labelled "junk"that gets turfed to the deep, dark recesses of the garage.

Doesn't this sound awfully familiar? Fashion familiar, in fact? Yeah, I thought so too.
How is fashion any different? These people, who from now on will be referred to as nerds for lack of a a better term, wet their pants at the prospect of owning a new console or gadget mastering in its advanced technological wizardry. If you even suggest to these nerds that they just put on a clean shirt they get that smug and disapproving look and cry "fashion fascism". They seem to think that the small percentage of people who actually do change their entire wardrobe every three months are the same as the rest of the world who realise their favourite shirt is now riddled with holes and barely readable after too many spins in the washing machine and dump it.

Here's the reality: looking good will get you laid.

My Techology is Better than Yours.

Why do Apple products feel the need to self-promote themselves? Sure, every business wants to let everyone know how awesome they are but I think it's a little bit lame that every product they release sets itself on a mission to let the world know about it and its brilliance.

Like ipads and iphones. Whenever someone sends an email from either of these products they end the email with "sent from my iphone" or "sent from my ipad". The person has no control over this but everytime I see that message I take it as an insult. A message of look at me and my sweet, fancy gadget - far superior to yours.

What if my computer did that everytime I sent an email? It would go like like:

Ray-Ray,

No, you cannot borrow my spandex tights again. I spent hours cleaning the mustard and bubblegum off them after the last time you used them.

Sent from my piece-of-shit Toshiba

My Laptop is a Skank

I’ve had my laptop for many years now. We’ve worked together, played together and spent hours together just hanging out. My laptop, who I lovingly named Mungo, and I were so happy.

Note the past tense.

Whilst Mungo is still my favourite laptop, complete with all my personal touches and files it runs slower than a legless turtle. When I press the “on” button I walk away and do another activity so I don’t have to witness the outright eons that it takes to get itself ready to do a simple task. Opening an internet window takes a good twenty seconds and don’t get me started on trying to do anything simultaneously.

It also flashes white for an instant and sometimes decides to create thousands of internet windows one after the other as if to say “you wanted internet windows WELL HERE THEY ARE, BITCH!!”

It’s a nightmare if anyone else wants to use it. Sure I can navigate all its faults but a first timer does nothing but whinge, moan and throw their hands in the air at the sheer hopelessness of this computer. I bet it hurts Mungo’s feelings. After all, I’m the only one allowed to complain about it.

Moving on to my main point – Mungo is a dirty, dirty, strumpet.

Context? Right.

I decided after all its faults that I would get Mungo fixed. It was getting to the point where I wasn’t using it at all if I didn’t have to. And using other, more competent computers, it was making me realise how screwed Mungo really was.

I found someone at my place of work who considered himself quite the geek (his words not mine) so I packed Mungo up with an overnight case and sent it away to be fixed.

A few days later Mungo was returned to me. I took it home and eagerly awaited turning it on to see just how super jet fast and capable it would now be. I pressed the “on” button.

 What seemed like hours later...

“What the crap!? This thing is still a slow motioned turd of a system. COME ON! Grrrrrr....”

It didn’t work. It wasn’t fixed. Mungo was as slow as ever.

I tried calling the geek who supposedly fixed it – ready for a story of how he was defeated in the mending process.

“Hello?”

“I thought you were going to fix my lappy?”

“There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“What?”

“I turned it on and ran it a couple of times but didn’t have a problem with it.”  

“What? I’ve seen 90 year olds shuffle faster than this thing.”

“It didn’t do any of things you say it did to me. So I didn’t do anything to it.”

The plot thickens.

Apparently my laptop is a conniving conception of modern day technology. Mungo no longer wants me as an owner and acts like a retarded piece of metal instead of my only portal to the internet and life companion.

I had always thought Mungo to be a male. Well as male as a no-sex inanimate object can get. Either I was wrong or Mungo is gay. Mungo lusts after the computer geek and no longer chooses me as its master. I can see it now batting its web cam eyelashes at him, displaying extra bright just so he’ll notice and opening its disk drive right up... unbelievable.

Mungo is a manipulative, mature aged harlot and that’s all there is to it. And I’m stuck with it.     

Technology - Turning us into Twats one Gadget at a Time

Has anyone else noticed that as our social technology has advanced and become less physically personal that people are getting progressively ruder?

I have.

When you work in hospitality you learn that people are more than willing to treat you like something they found stuck to the bottom of their unattractive shoes than be told “no” over the phone. Of course there are the people who act like complete tossers face-to-face - but that is a different story.

Firstly, people don’t like being told they can’t have or do something and they get crappy about it. Which is fair enough if they have been promised but people in our fast-paced, consumer driven, me me me world aren’t okay with less then what they were after and more.

People like to complain – a lot. It’s the bad things that happen to us that we remember most. So, in turn, we like to whinge and bitch through a variety of isolated mediums. We like to take our attacks out on anyone we can. Any slight indication of another person we can blame and insult for our sake and we are off like a shot. We scream at the telemarketers, we berate the receptionists, we write long winded and poorly thought out complaints that will only be seen by a few people at the bottom of the chain who will creatively fashion their idea of the complainer in their heads and move on (this imagination will always leave the complainer being fat).

Before phones were invented I can imagine people getting around in crazy old timey dress and being polite to one another and accepting when things didn’t go their way with a tip of their hat or a flutter of their Parisian fans. Then Alexander Graham Bell had to invent something that would allow these people to vent wholeheartedly into and not suffer any of the disappointed looks they would face were they in person.

When you are mean to someone on the phone you don’t take into account that the voice on the other end is actually a real person with real feelings. Well they are. I’m sure we’ve all had our moments when we’ve got frustrated but swearing and becoming unreasonable to someone via this medium is a little trashy. At least you can pull faces and flip people the bird into the phone without them noticing – or hanging up on them. Though hanging up on someone doesn’t feel as victorious when you have a cordless phone. There’s nothing like slamming a phone down in a fit of passion. Pressing a little “end” button isn’t as poetic or cathartic but much more prissy.

Then it comes to the internet. I think you all know where I’m going with this one. Have you ever been a chat room? Or read some of the comments people write about anything and everything? Good lord. The internet has become a place consisting mostly of half-illiterate complainers and people with a vocabulary that consists of misspelt profanities. When you read some of these can you imagine them being said out loud? To another person?  I marvel at half the crap these people come out with. If someone said to me, at my job, in person “yo didn do wot i asked an evrything woz shit so gimme bak my $$$ bich – LOL”. I would have to stifle my laughter whilst pressing the button for security to take this person somewhere special.

Let’s get eloquent with our complaints. Let’s get creative with our issues. If you need an example take a leaf out of www.27slash6.com ‘s book – this is a huge plug for this website. It makes me literally lol.
So the next time you get frustrated with something in your life – just take a second to calm down before verbally lashing out at another person or else you’ll be laughed about for days later for being a fat complainer. Whether you are fat or not.