Showing posts with label learn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learn. Show all posts

Monday, 30 May 2011

Girls These Days...

Why are parents letting their children gad about in mini-skank outfits? Why are they letting their little girls roam the earth looking like real life “Bratz” dolls?
Okay. Parents are in trouble when their kids are lying face down on the floor of the store thrashing their little limbs around, face red with rage screaming for “that pink, glittery boob tube!” Tough times. I get it.
I guess the really sad part is that kids want to dress this way. You know the way I mean. Tiny scraps of plaid fabric that apparently result in a skirt teamed with a tight fitted mid-drift exposing shirt that reads something like “bad girl” or “rock star” (for the sake of our society I hope neither of these statements are true) whilst they totter along in high heel glittery shoes with their overly crimped, teased, combed hair bobbing and adorned with various plastic junky clips and a tiny and pointless handbag containing nothing. 
Whatever happened to gingham dresses? And little sandals with ladybirds and butterflies on them?
I remember as a kid my favourite outfit consisted of a florescent green, yellow and blue striped, faux-angora turtleneck sweater teamed with some khaki corduroy trousers. When I wore these things I thought I looked sophisticated and awesome. Looking back I realise I looked like a total retard. Nonetheless these are lessons we must learn.
I got to high school and realised girls my age were dressing like young women – young adults even (though to me that meant they were wearing jeans and a tee-shirt but you get the idea). My friends had matching accessories and styled hair. I went home found everything in my wardrobe that was red – pants, shirt, shoes and hair clips and gave my hair a vicious brush and went out into the world looking, once again, like a total fool. But I was sure this was what was necessary. The next outing would involve me wearing everything blue or orange and that is what makes you a kid. You are learning. Learning how to dress, what suits you, what styles are best and so on and so forth. The fact is you need to learn this for yourself – not have your favourite celebrity and store jam their style down your throat.
To this day I still look at photos of myself from a couple years prior and shudder at the outfit choices I made but I don’t regret it. I mean my kids need something to laugh at, right?
So as a message to the tweens that roam the shopping centres and are far better styled than I am – wear stuff that’s your age! There’s nothing wrong with dressing your age because, believe me, if you try to dress as a 13 year old later – it will be a big mistake. A huge mutton-dressed-as-lamb mistake.
And for the love of all things holy – take off the push-up bras! There’s nothing to “push-up” so relax! Nature will prevail in its own time.

Monday, 23 May 2011

Things we Learn from Films

WARNING: There may be spoilers.
Titanic & Titanic II:      NEVER get on a boat with “Titanic” in the title. It will only end badly.
Juno:                            Teen pregnancy is without consequence as long as you have a quirky attitude and a phone in the shape of a hamburger.
The Mummy:                  Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.
The Mummy Returns:    Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.
The Mummy 3:              DON’T F***ING MESS WITH FOREIGN ARTEFACTS!
Avatar:                           Pocahontas is hot regardless if she is blue or not.
Tron Legacy:                  Tron is a pretty crappy universe.
Harry Potter 1-7:            Emma Watson will never learn to act.
Black Swan:                   You can dance the best “Swan Lake” of your life as long as you have a shard of glass lodged in your abdomen and are prepared to die at the end of it.
Gone with the Wind:      You can be successful if you marry a lot and slap everyone.
The Dark Knight:            Screechy violins make for a lot of tension.
Mean Girls:                     Janice Ian needs to wash her hair more often.
Girl with a Pearl Earring:       Be prepared for nothing much to happen.
The Young Victoria:               Be prepared for nothing much to happen.
Saw:                                       Avoid people with terminal cancer.
The Shawshank Redemption: Prison walls are deceptively crumbly.
Pulp Fiction:                       Nothing says family memento than an ass watch.
Inception:                           Crazy ex-wives ruin your career. Even if they are dead.
Fight Club:                          Your alter ego can be much hotter than you.
The Matrix:                         You’re not cool if you don’t wear leather.
Psycho:                                When in the shower – remain vigilant!
The Silence of the Lambs:   Buffalo Bill puts an awful lot of effort into his outfits.  
Forest Gump:                       I want a friend called Bubba.
Spirited Away/Alice in Wonderland:        For the sake of the audience’s sanity – just roll with it, okay?
The Shining:                        Stephen King gets a bit carried away with extra plot details.
WALL-E:                               The human race is destined to be fat and doomed. In that order.
Inglorious Basterds:            World War II fan fiction at its best.
Up:                                        A barren, dead wife does not a happy film make.
The Wizard of Oz:               Always steal the shoes of dead people.
Slumdog Millionaire:          You can easily cheapen any great film with a dance number at the end.
The Sixth Sense:                Bruce Willis’ character likes to hang out with young boys.
District 9:                           Aliens like cat food.
V for Vendetta:                   Natalie Portman’s  character lost her hair for no reason.
The Social Network:           Friends are expendable for fame!