Words Strike Again!

"You know what... that dress you bought last week that I said looked really good on you actually looks terrible – just sayin’!”

Has anyone noticed that the phrase “just sayin’” is a guaranteed social get-out-of-jail-free-card? You can say whatever you want to someone and by adding “just sayin’” to the end you have ensured there will be no ramifications of saying what you really think. Usually we bite our tongues when giving criticism to people... unless you’re a total douche and just act like an ass to everyone. But to those who actually have friends they tend to be nice. There are certain phrases, however, that allow you to speak your mind... aside from “just sayin’”.

There is:

 “I didn’t want to tell you this but...”

“You didn’t hear this from me...”

“I wasn’t going to say anything but...”

“No offence!”

And so on.

Basically, you need to add these to any sentence and then go nuts with whatever thinly veiled insult criticism you have. It seems like an odd loophole that has presented itself to us. Usually the phrase was “if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all”. Now it’s “say whatever the hell you like but don’t make it seem like it’s coming direct from you, rather it’s a duty you are performing to aid the other person in their mistakes”.

Here are some of my own:

“Fake tan is the most fail creation I’ve ever seen. No one can seem to get it right – just sayin’!”

“No offence but if you wear Crocs you will look stupid.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything but Lady Gaga’s bizarre dress choices are a scapegoat for her inability to dance very well.”

“I didn’t want to tell you this but the epilogue in the final Harry Potter book was sappy and unnecessary.”

Just sayin’!

My Evil Kettle

When I moved house I was given a shiny new kettle. A silver, modern yet cute looking kettle for my boiled water needs. This kettle was different to all the same old white plastic boring kettles out there – this one was better.

Or so I thought.

Little did I realise that this kettle was actually forged by Lucifer himself out of the pits of fiery hell and conveniently boxed to look like every other cute shiny kettle on the shelf. This is the tale of my evil kettle.

Sure it can boil water thereby achieving its very purpose in this world but I never realised it was also designed to burn me in every way it possibly could. It beings with filling the kettle. The lid refuses to be replaced in any complete sealable way. There is always an unforeseeable space where the steam will also emerge from. This extra steam fries the hand pouring the water so that serving tea becomes laced with unnecessary profanities.

And then comes the time when you jam the kettle back down with that burnt hand frowning at it for causing you pain. Maybe even getting upset (as it has happened many times) and shoving it a little to show it who’s boss. It’s only after you shove the kettle you realise with the remaining fingers left on the kettle that it is extremely hot and is burning you right back. Here's how I see the kettle...

The really downright cruel part of this kettle is whenever anyone else uses it they don’t have any problems at all – in fact they love the kettle. This kettle is seducing my housemates into thinking it’s darling, sweet and boils some deliciously magic water. This is a crafty kettle.

My only conclusion here is that I am the only person in my household without android hands impervious to burns and that this kettle is more manipulative and two-faced than Cinderella's stepmother.

And no, this whole scenario hasn't come about because I'm incapable of using a kettle.

Any day now the damn thing will fly at me from across the room and scald the life out of me. 

Just you wait...