My Evil Kettle

When I moved house I was given a shiny new kettle. A silver, modern yet cute looking kettle for my boiled water needs. This kettle was different to all the same old white plastic boring kettles out there – this one was better.

Or so I thought.

Little did I realise that this kettle was actually forged by Lucifer himself out of the pits of fiery hell and conveniently boxed to look like every other cute shiny kettle on the shelf. This is the tale of my evil kettle.

Sure it can boil water thereby achieving its very purpose in this world but I never realised it was also designed to burn me in every way it possibly could. It beings with filling the kettle. The lid refuses to be replaced in any complete sealable way. There is always an unforeseeable space where the steam will also emerge from. This extra steam fries the hand pouring the water so that serving tea becomes laced with unnecessary profanities.

And then comes the time when you jam the kettle back down with that burnt hand frowning at it for causing you pain. Maybe even getting upset (as it has happened many times) and shoving it a little to show it who’s boss. It’s only after you shove the kettle you realise with the remaining fingers left on the kettle that it is extremely hot and is burning you right back. Here's how I see the kettle...

The really downright cruel part of this kettle is whenever anyone else uses it they don’t have any problems at all – in fact they love the kettle. This kettle is seducing my housemates into thinking it’s darling, sweet and boils some deliciously magic water. This is a crafty kettle.

My only conclusion here is that I am the only person in my household without android hands impervious to burns and that this kettle is more manipulative and two-faced than Cinderella's stepmother.

And no, this whole scenario hasn't come about because I'm incapable of using a kettle.

Any day now the damn thing will fly at me from across the room and scald the life out of me. 

Just you wait...

Security Guards

Why is it in movies and television that security guard characters are always fat and hopeless? I mean I know that the “good” guy needs to by-pass this facade of authority to reach their goal and wow their viewers - but seriously the “bad” guys need to give them at least a bit of a challenge.

Okay. Let’s say you are the head of “Big Bad Booty Incorporated” and you have to protect your very important, confidential and incriminating documents. How would you go about that? Security codes, armed doors, dogs, guns, sharks, lasers, bear traps, vats of boiling oil and of course one lone security guard.

If you could only have one guard to protect your incriminating photos (yes, they involve you, tequila and a wild hog) who would you choose? The guy who has a degree in security guarding, a previous position as vault keeper for Gringott’s and a black belt in human destruction. Or the guy who is overweight, unfit and has a vocabulary of “Stop!”, “You!”, and “Freeze!”? Pretty obvious choice.

This security guard makes his on screen appearance sitting/leaning back on a chair with his feet on the desk eating or drinking coffee whilst looking at a bunch of flickering black and white mini screens. Eventually he sees something on one of the many screens, sits up straight, looks mildly concerned then rushes (and wheezes) out of his little room only to be beaten down by the good guy in under eight seconds.

I wonder if this guy goes home to his family at the end of a busy ass-being-kicked day, flops into his favourite brown leather recliner and looks into the eyes of his little children who dream of one day following in their daddy’s slow and incompetent footsteps.  

How does this guy manage to keep his job? He only has one purpose and that is keeping your perverted hog photos out of the public eye and he has failed that. Over and over just in different scenarios. I mean is there some training college for really crappy security guards? They have to go through rigorous training of lifting heavy donuts up to their lips and back down repeatedly as well as firing a tiny pistol everywhere but into the target. A couple of courses in fail wrestling and voice lessons for their single moment of dialogue. All in all it’s an un-intensive ten week course. Then they are head hunted by the most important companies in the evil world.  

Just dial 1800-FAIL-GUARD for an information pack.