Not Dead... Yet...

Ahoy thar loyal readers!

 Or just any readers.

If you've been wondering "what the heck happened to that weird 'Irony and Pie' blog chick who seems to despise all the things - well here I am! I ran out of inspirational steam and then all this life got in the way. Therefore this entry will merely consist of what I've been up to of late - and it does contain more than watching Hardcore Pawn (please note the spelling).

Well. First. I got rather unwell. My skin began to feel very painful and every touch was like a dagger. Not very people-friendly when your significant other is trying to pat your head to make you feel better and you just scream out "OWWW!! YOU'RE KILLING ME, DAMMIT!". Then I suffered a particularly bad fever which made me rather delusional so I ended up much like this kid...

To make matters worse (or better/more entertaining) I began to invent some new products that I thought - in my crazed state - would help mankind and make me millions upon squillions of monies. I'm not even joking - I was sitting on the floor of the shower garbling nonsense about these "great and new ideas" apparently.

The first was for those who happen to have fake legs. Instead of an almost flesh coloured, really obvious detachable limb that you were too shy to wear shorts with then try this - The amputee fishtank!

Now you too can enjoy the breezy benefits of shorts, skirts and skorts with the knowledge that people aren't staring at your fake leg because it seems alien and unfamiliar but because there are wildlife in there! Forget platform shoes with a few lifeless goldfish in them - try a whole school of tropical and aquatic life! If you are a larger individual why not try to fit a shark in there? Get a work-out all the time hoisting this bad boy around the town - you will get thigh muscles that resemble tree trunks.

Naturally, I had worked out the kinks such as self-cleaning walls and a light and heating system depending on your location.  

Then I came up with detachable hands. Why bother clumsily holding different things, never quite getting the full use of mastery out of certain objects? You only need to have a short, sharp dose of back alley surgery and you're on your way! Then simply pop off your current hands and clip on new ones!

Also available - blending tool hands, knife hands, mobile phone hands and so on and so forth.

I now realise that I was just coming up with odd attachments in lieu of actual body parts. I'm like Quentin Tarantino and that film about the girl with the gun for a leg. I wonder if he came up with that in a similar state as I did?

In this ill time I also had a bunch of job interviews (at last!) but still haven't heard anything (typical). Though I'm not completely surprised at that response as, despite my excellent performance, I did resemble a drug addict attempting to go cold turkey given my sweaty and extremely pale appearance and my struggle to remain sitting upright.

Other then being ill I got the worst sunburn I've had in the last ten years all across my back and shoulders. This made putting on a shirt everyday like this...

I also discovered memes. As you may have guessed. The internet and its jokes are now ruling my being.

And finally I became a bridesmaid.

And that mes amis is what I have been doing.

Hopefully I'll have more material for ya reeeeaaal soon!

A Pox on Princesses!

As a saddo who has no life and watches a lot of reality television shows based around marriage I draw a lot of conclusions – and, no, not just that I’m a saddo either.

No matter what show it is, where it is, who it is, whenever these dumb hos try on a wedding gown they like or get ready for the big day they, without fail, will say “I feel like a princess”. They will either say that or start out by saying “I want to look/feel like a princess”. Basically, something that involves the wedding and then them and the word princess.

Why?

I can understand wanting to look “like a princess” when you were three and playing Disney princesses or even as a fifteen year old going to a high school semi-prom type occasion and buying the ugliest fake satin dress money can buy whilst having badly curled hair and an alarming amount of eyebrow hair. Or maybe that was just me. The point is if you are getting married then you are probably a grown person (I say probably as there are some child brides getting about – Courtney Stodden, anyone?). Let me say that again slowly – YOU ARE AN ADULT. Adults shouldn’t want to look “like a princess” on their wedding day. What groom/other wedding person is going to want to turn around to see their significant other dressed up like an emotionally stunted, fake diamante tulle explosion? 

Some. Apparently.

The thing is, it doesn’t stop at the world’s most hideous princess dress. We then have to include the bling. The bling which ALWAYS includes a tiara. I’m sorry, a tiara? Again – YOU ARE AN ADULT. ADULTS DO NOT WEAR CROWNS EXCEPT THOSE WHO ARE ACTUALLY IN THE ROYAL FAMILY BUT EVEN THEN THEY WOULD NOT INVOLVE ANY DIAMANTES, RHINESTONES OR FAKE-ASS CRYSTALS!

I apologise for the caps lock but I felt the message needed to be read loud and clear. Ahem.

It also amazes me at how the label of wedding princess can really vary from person to person. Some brides want to look like fairy tale princesses and do the whole long white glove (erk), hair in a curled generic up-do (ik) whereas other ideas of princesses just translate as slag. Since when did a mesh corset on top (*violent digestive upheaval*) become the latest trend? After all I’m sure Daddy would love to see his little princess tits out and rivalling a stripper.  

How can a real, live person operate in this world and yet still dream of one day looking like a princess? Can you imagine Marie Curie hoping to walk down the aisle in a blindingly white poofy and suitably bedazzled gown? Can you see Sylvia Plath looking longingly out her window dreaming of a diamante encrusted tiara and too-tight bustier? And I sure as hell don’t think that Mother Teresa was that interested in wearing a poorly made, cheap lace infused, 800 skirt, over priced wedding dress to her ceremony with the Big Guy.   

Bottom line – if you want to look like a princess at your wedding then you probably shouldn’t be getting married. Or at least give your significant other time to re-evaluate their life partner.

Ain't No Thang like a Bacon Wing

Ahh bacon. Good with eggs. The other white meat. Quite pink in colour. Rather fattening. Piggy origins.

Bacon. We all know of it and most of us enjoy it. I didn’t realise that meant it should be added to every type of food to make it better. Bacon doesn’t seem to be a stand alone meat though. It is always being added to other meaty food products like burgers, steaks and salads. If bacon had one mission in life it would be inserting its fatty presence into the mouth of anyone and everyone in the attempt to make it even better.

Turning on the television you will notice the usual amount of advertisements for fast food restaurants preaching the ‘goodness’ of their individual deep fried and heart-clogging products. Take a look closer – well as close as you can get without feeling that tiny bit of spew emerge in the back of your throat because, to me, the food doesn’t even look good in the ads which is concerning, I mean what the heck will it look like it person? Well not person in... burger. Looking closely you will notice that pretty much everything has now got bacon it. Or the bonus of adding MORE bacon at your leisure. Since when did bacon become the thing that makes everything more awesome? Okay, yeah, bacon is pretty delicious on occasion but I wouldn’t wear it on top of my veil at my wedding for the sake of looking more awesome – or would I? Pretty sure Kate Middleton was considering it...

That gets the cogs in my melon turning... what if we added to bacon to everyday objects to make them more awesome? I think everyone needs some more awesome in their daily grind and not just in their lunches. For example:

The vehicle you drive.

Work stuff.

Your kids.

 Technology.

Your home.

 The films you watch.

Everything can be improved with bacon. Next time you are feeling down about the state of the world or some crappy incident in your life just think of bacon.

Yeah - You're Mine

Got ya!

That's right. If you've navigated your way to this page via google in the search for the perfect picture of any of the following celebrities then bam - straight into my web. My bloggy web.

I've realised that in order to get my number of hits up that I need to falsely lure people in and hope they like it and want to come back. I'm probably reaching out to completely different audiences here but... I figured I'd give it a shot. Google, after all, seems the main way to get people to see the blog...

Anyway below are the promised pictures - enjoy and I hope to see more of you! Thanks for dropping by!

Ahhh! Real Weddings!

I’m pretty sure every little girl dreams about their wedding. What they will wear, who will attend, the colour palette, the food, the music and rarely any details about what getting married actually entails.

Despite this, the dress seems to be the thing on everyone’s minds when they think wedding. This has been seen with the most recent Royal Wedding and the bets that were placed as to which designer label dress Kate Middleton would wear.

I’m sure as a child I dreamed of wearing an enormous white monstrosity with fireworks and kittens firing out of it and a tiara studded with fist sized diamonds. Dream big, huh? Looking at the wedding dress role models I had as a kid – well it’s no wonder I had no taste... although wedding dresses today still look pretty rotten in general. But I digress.

Let us look at a couple of the more well known wedding dresses in the popular media in the last couple of decades.

There is Princess Diana of Wales who we all knew and loved who wore this snow beast outfit. Okay, okay she looked beautiful and it was exactly what the doctor ordered in terms of it being a royal wedding (Kate’s was beautiful but a tiny bit of a let down considering this wasn’t a run-of-the-mill wedding – it was royal! Go nuts!) but the train on Diana’s dress was so long and heavy that walking down the aisle would have been fine except that she felt she was dragging a hippo carcass behind her.

Then there is Ariel. Now “The Little Mermaid” was and remains one of my favourite films. But take a look at this.

Seriously Ariel, what were you thinking? Were you thinking? I’m pretty sure she knows how to swim what with her previously being an aquatic creature and all – so why the floatation device sleeves? Look I don’t care that it was the 90s and lived under the sea her whole life and she didn’t know better – this thing is unforgiveable.

Though I think we all know the worst wedding dress – ever. Jordan.

Need I say more? Yes, yes I do. Nothing like basketball knockers to really seal the "I'm so classy and innocent" deal.

Moving on to the bride’s head gear.  There are two exceptions to the rules of tiaras at weddings. The first of these brides are actually princesses. I understand that women want to feel “like a princess” on their big day but that doesn’t literally mean you have to wear a crown. Pretty sure the average wedding isn’t going to be able to afford a proper crown but instead a tacky rhinestone number to adorn their unattractive up do.  

Similarly, women today seem determined to wear strapless corseted dresses that explode out into a meringue at the bottom – why? Very few people can pull of a strapless and even then you can’t put your arms down because they will undoubtedly look fat. Facts of life.

I guess for my wedding (as I’m giving into peer pressure) I’ll have a dress the size of a stretch limousine with lots of bows, ruffles, sequins and enough tulle to choke a blue whale and a veil that constantly gets in my way and makes my head look like it’s sprouted with a crown on top that says “Booty-full Bride” in flashing pink plastic jewels. I’ll have forty-five bridesmaids with matching lime green hot pants and a golden lycra corset and the groomsmen will have matching green speedos with golden muscle shirts. Everyone’s hair will be as big as possible and I will walk down the aisle to the unforgettable yet totally classy “Don’t cha” by the Pussy Cat Dolls.

For more information on “classy” and “elegant” weddings click the link (or go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPHDp1ZgBck) to see the most disturbing yet addictive program titled “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding”. Trust me, it’s worth it.

The Royal Faff

Okay this whole “William and Kate” getting married thing is getting really old really quick.

I mean through no fault of their own this couple is dominating the world via the media. Sure they tour about flipping pancakes in Ireland and surveying the damage here in Aus but they didn’t ask to have their faces glued to every news related programme.

First – their marriage is not news. In fact, no part of their marriage should be news.

Second – William is no longer that attractive so what’s the big deal?

On the first note I was going to write this blog a little while ago when I saw a “news” cast for the day. This included a five minute update on the earthquakes in Japan – they may have another aftershock which could do more damage. More lives are at risk. This was then followed with a very long story about the – not one – but two wedding cakes that Kate and William were having! Kate is being strict on her choices for the cakes which is “great that she’s taking such a personal interest” says the official cake maker.

Seriously.

Seriously?

I’m very happy for the soon-to-be official couple but should it really override the rest of the world? This would be fine if it were a one-off but last night I witnessed worse. Much worse.

In the week leading up to the wedding every channel on free-to-air television is broadcasting about the wedding. The dress maker, the venue, the witnesses, the bridesmaids, the colour palette, the guests and so on and so forth. A whole week dedicated to this tripe? God forbid something really bad happens anywhere because if it does it will have to wait until the wedding is done and dusted.

I guess people are excited... This is the biggest royal wedding since Princess Diana. I’m excluding Charles and Camilla because... well... Camilla wasn’t the most luminous bride the monarchy has ever seen. A royal wedding is a big deal... but only because everyone is making it one. I’m sure a shotgun wedding in Las Vegas wouldn’t go astray...