Actual Stories from my Actual Life

As my days now consist of sleeping, eating all the things, watching useless television, applying for jobs and trawling the internet I've now realised that my internet time is now translating itself into my everyday life.
I told you earlier that I have discovered memes. Specifically this one...

Which makes me laugh - A LOT.

So I dabbled in making my own.

Then an incident happened. Boyfriend, dearest, was making a toasted sandwich and instead of waiting for it to cool down this happened.

I actually imagined myself with this face when saying "You don't say?" Is that worrying? Maybe only if I wake up and have actually turned into a cartoon of Nicholas Cage. At least I'd get a laugh!

Life Aids (oo-err)

I find life can be quite challenging. And by life I don't mean rocket science or something deviously tricky but rather the day-to-day activities that everyone seems to have mastered. Everyone except me. First, I find travelling in a car rather difficult. Mostly because I find driving is an unnecessary stress that we should all avoid but given the place where I live has really bad public transport then that is out. Driving stinks but driving when you don't know the roads or where they are taking you is much, much worse. If you have a decent navigator that gives you adequate warning as opposed to"You need to turn NOW! NOOOOW!! NOOOOO!! THAT'S TOO FAR - YOU MISSED IT!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!" then you might be okay. When you are flying solo, however, signs and directions increase in complexity tenfold. Therefore, I need this...

Then, once I've made it to my destination (most likely the supermarket - I mean, come on, who doesn't always want delicious chocolatey snacks every waking minute of the day? -- What's that? Huh? -- Oh sorry, I think I can hear my oncoming diabetes calling). The supermarket is a challenge in of itself. I'm always trying to save money here or there so I tend to fall for the advertisers' trap of buying what's on special. Damn those little brightly coloured tabs. Having said that they aren't always the best buy. So instead of taking the time and effort to work it out I need this...

I somehow manage to get home and decide to read a book - but which book? I don't want to waste precious time reading something that won't move me to a higher level of being. Or at least provide mild entertainment. So then there's this...

And finally the one we are all in need of...

NOTE: If you blame any of the previous issues on the fact that I am of the female sex then I will reach through your screen and squish your little monkey face between my claws.

Ear Muffs

That’s right, you heard me, ear muffs. Or maybe you didn’t hear me? Because you’re wearing ear muffs... if you are then congratulations you have discovered the ground breaking untapped resource of silence.

First, people these days (and I say ‘these days’ even though I am quite a young individual and as if I’ve seem times prior to now that adds up to more than a couple of decades – which it doesn’t – but I beg that you get the right idea—ANYWAY) –ahem – people these days are so keen to cloud their day and I mean every second of it with some sort of music. Whatever happened to silence? Is that not ‘in’ anymore? I didn’t realise that I needed to be listening to Kanye West whilst exercising, Metallica whilst driving, Taylor Swift whilst studying, Tupac whilst cleaning the house and some random dance track whilst doing everything else. We are forever bombarding our lives with the beats that someone else made and though at times it may enhance memories for the most part it is blocking out the natural sounds.

This brings us back to the ear muffs. Why is it that ear muffs are only acceptable when using heavy machinery? They should be available in all walks of life. Not just the aforementioned activities either. Why can’t we wear them at loud concerts? I know it would look a bit dorky but for the sake of your hearing health it would be better post-concert to hear nothing than a sick ringing of dying cells. What about when attending a children’s party? Or a dinner event at the parents-in-laws’ house? Makes sense to me. Why pretend not to zone out when you can literally block them out?
Let the world know – ear muffs can do more than warm your ears – and more than act as an accessory for your head features. And you won’t die if you aren’t listening to music.

Ain't No Thang like a Bacon Wing

Ahh bacon. Good with eggs. The other white meat. Quite pink in colour. Rather fattening. Piggy origins.

Bacon. We all know of it and most of us enjoy it. I didn’t realise that meant it should be added to every type of food to make it better. Bacon doesn’t seem to be a stand alone meat though. It is always being added to other meaty food products like burgers, steaks and salads. If bacon had one mission in life it would be inserting its fatty presence into the mouth of anyone and everyone in the attempt to make it even better.

Turning on the television you will notice the usual amount of advertisements for fast food restaurants preaching the ‘goodness’ of their individual deep fried and heart-clogging products. Take a look closer – well as close as you can get without feeling that tiny bit of spew emerge in the back of your throat because, to me, the food doesn’t even look good in the ads which is concerning, I mean what the heck will it look like it person? Well not person in... burger. Looking closely you will notice that pretty much everything has now got bacon it. Or the bonus of adding MORE bacon at your leisure. Since when did bacon become the thing that makes everything more awesome? Okay, yeah, bacon is pretty delicious on occasion but I wouldn’t wear it on top of my veil at my wedding for the sake of looking more awesome – or would I? Pretty sure Kate Middleton was considering it...

That gets the cogs in my melon turning... what if we added to bacon to everyday objects to make them more awesome? I think everyone needs some more awesome in their daily grind and not just in their lunches. For example:

The vehicle you drive.

Work stuff.

Your kids.

 Technology.

Your home.

 The films you watch.

Everything can be improved with bacon. Next time you are feeling down about the state of the world or some crappy incident in your life just think of bacon.