Ahh bacon. Good with eggs. The other white meat. Quite pink in colour. Rather fattening. Piggy origins.
Bacon. We all know of it and most of us enjoy it. I didn’t realise that meant it should be added to every type of food to make it better. Bacon doesn’t seem to be a stand alone meat though. It is always being added to other meaty food products like burgers, steaks and salads. If bacon had one mission in life it would be inserting its fatty presence into the mouth of anyone and everyone in the attempt to make it even better.
Turning on the television you will notice the usual amount of advertisements for fast food restaurants preaching the ‘goodness’ of their individual deep fried and heart-clogging products. Take a look closer – well as close as you can get without feeling that tiny bit of spew emerge in the back of your throat because, to me, the food doesn’t even look good in the ads which is concerning, I mean what the heck will it look like it person? Well not person in... burger. Looking closely you will notice that pretty much everything has now got bacon it. Or the bonus of adding MORE bacon at your leisure. Since when did bacon become the thing that makes everything more awesome? Okay, yeah, bacon is pretty delicious on occasion but I wouldn’t wear it on top of my veil at my wedding for the sake of looking more awesome – or would I? Pretty sure Kate Middleton was considering it...
That gets the cogs in my melon turning... what if we added to bacon to everyday objects to make them more awesome? I think everyone needs some more awesome in their daily grind and not just in their lunches. For example:
The vehicle you drive.
Work stuff.
Your kids.
Technology.
Your home.
The films you watch.
Everything can be improved with bacon. Next time you are feeling down about the state of the world or some crappy incident in your life just think of bacon.
I’m pretty sure every little girl dreams about their wedding. What they will wear, who will attend, the colour palette, the food, the music and rarely any details about what getting married actually entails.
Despite this, the dress seems to be the thing on everyone’s minds when they think wedding. This has been seen with the most recent Royal Wedding and the bets that were placed as to which designer label dress Kate Middleton would wear.
I’m sure as a child I dreamed of wearing an enormous white monstrosity with fireworks and kittens firing out of it and a tiara studded with fist sized diamonds. Dream big, huh? Looking at the wedding dress role models I had as a kid – well it’s no wonder I had no taste... although wedding dresses today still look pretty rotten in general. But I digress.
Let us look at a couple of the more well known wedding dresses in the popular media in the last couple of decades.
There is Princess Diana of Wales who we all knew and loved who wore this snow beast outfit. Okay, okay she looked beautiful and it was exactly what the doctor ordered in terms of it being a royal wedding (Kate’s was beautiful but a tiny bit of a let down considering this wasn’t a run-of-the-mill wedding – it was royal! Go nuts!) but the train on Diana’s dress was so long and heavy that walking down the aisle would have been fine except that she felt she was dragging a hippo carcass behind her.
Then there is Ariel. Now “The Little Mermaid” was and remains one of my favourite films. But take a look at this.
Seriously Ariel, what were you thinking? Were you thinking? I’m pretty sure she knows how to swim what with her previously being an aquatic creature and all – so why the floatation device sleeves? Look I don’t care that it was the 90s and lived under the sea her whole life and she didn’t know better – this thing is unforgiveable.
Though I think we all know the worst wedding dress – ever. Jordan.
Need I say more? Yes, yes I do. Nothing like basketball knockers to really seal the "I'm so classy and innocent" deal.
Moving on to the bride’s head gear.There are two exceptions to the rules of tiaras at weddings. The first of these brides are actually princesses. I understand that women want to feel “like a princess” on their big day but that doesn’t literally mean you have to wear a crown. Pretty sure the average wedding isn’t going to be able to afford a proper crown but instead a tacky rhinestone number to adorn their unattractive up do.
Similarly, women today seem determined to wear strapless corseted dresses that explode out into a meringue at the bottom – why? Very few people can pull of a strapless and even then you can’t put your arms down because they will undoubtedly look fat. Facts of life.
I guess for my wedding (as I’m giving into peer pressure) I’ll have a dress the size of a stretch limousine with lots of bows, ruffles, sequins and enough tulle to choke a blue whale and a veil that constantly gets in my way and makes my head look like it’s sprouted with a crown on top that says “Booty-full Bride” in flashing pink plastic jewels. I’ll have forty-five bridesmaids with matching lime green hot pants and a golden lycra corset and the groomsmen will have matching green speedos with golden muscle shirts. Everyone’s hair will be as big as possible and I will walk down the aisle to the unforgettable yet totally classy “Don’t cha” by the Pussy Cat Dolls.
For more information on “classy” and “elegant” weddings click the link (or go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPHDp1ZgBck) to see the most disturbing yet addictive program titled “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding”. Trust me, it’s worth it.
Okay this whole “William and Kate” getting married thing is getting really old really quick.
I mean through no fault of their own this couple is dominating the world via the media. Sure they tour about flipping pancakes in Ireland and surveying the damage here in Aus but they didn’t ask to have their faces glued to every news related programme.
First – their marriage is not news. In fact, no part of their marriage should be news.
Second – William is no longer that attractive so what’s the big deal?
On the first note I was going to write this blog a little while ago when I saw a “news” cast for the day. This included a five minute update on the earthquakes in Japan – they may have another aftershock which could do more damage. More lives are at risk. This was then followed with a very long story about the – not one – but two wedding cakes that Kate and William were having! Kate is being strict on her choices for the cakes which is “great that she’s taking such a personal interest” says the official cake maker.
Seriously.
Seriously?
I’m very happy for the soon-to-be official couple but should it really override the rest of the world? This would be fine if it were a one-off but last night I witnessed worse. Much worse.
In the week leading up to the wedding every channel on free-to-air television is broadcasting about the wedding. The dress maker, the venue, the witnesses, the bridesmaids, the colour palette, the guests and so on and so forth. A whole week dedicated to this tripe? God forbid something really bad happens anywhere because if it does it will have to wait until the wedding is done and dusted.
I guess people are excited... This is the biggest royal wedding since Princess Diana. I’m excluding Charles and Camilla because... well... Camilla wasn’t the most luminous bride the monarchy has ever seen. A royal wedding is a big deal... but only because everyone is making it one. I’m sure a shotgun wedding in Las Vegas wouldn’t go astray...
