A Pox on Princesses!

As a saddo who has no life and watches a lot of reality television shows based around marriage I draw a lot of conclusions – and, no, not just that I’m a saddo either.

No matter what show it is, where it is, who it is, whenever these dumb hos try on a wedding gown they like or get ready for the big day they, without fail, will say “I feel like a princess”. They will either say that or start out by saying “I want to look/feel like a princess”. Basically, something that involves the wedding and then them and the word princess.

Why?

I can understand wanting to look “like a princess” when you were three and playing Disney princesses or even as a fifteen year old going to a high school semi-prom type occasion and buying the ugliest fake satin dress money can buy whilst having badly curled hair and an alarming amount of eyebrow hair. Or maybe that was just me. The point is if you are getting married then you are probably a grown person (I say probably as there are some child brides getting about – Courtney Stodden, anyone?). Let me say that again slowly – YOU ARE AN ADULT. Adults shouldn’t want to look “like a princess” on their wedding day. What groom/other wedding person is going to want to turn around to see their significant other dressed up like an emotionally stunted, fake diamante tulle explosion? 

Some. Apparently.

The thing is, it doesn’t stop at the world’s most hideous princess dress. We then have to include the bling. The bling which ALWAYS includes a tiara. I’m sorry, a tiara? Again – YOU ARE AN ADULT. ADULTS DO NOT WEAR CROWNS EXCEPT THOSE WHO ARE ACTUALLY IN THE ROYAL FAMILY BUT EVEN THEN THEY WOULD NOT INVOLVE ANY DIAMANTES, RHINESTONES OR FAKE-ASS CRYSTALS!

I apologise for the caps lock but I felt the message needed to be read loud and clear. Ahem.

It also amazes me at how the label of wedding princess can really vary from person to person. Some brides want to look like fairy tale princesses and do the whole long white glove (erk), hair in a curled generic up-do (ik) whereas other ideas of princesses just translate as slag. Since when did a mesh corset on top (*violent digestive upheaval*) become the latest trend? After all I’m sure Daddy would love to see his little princess tits out and rivalling a stripper.  

How can a real, live person operate in this world and yet still dream of one day looking like a princess? Can you imagine Marie Curie hoping to walk down the aisle in a blindingly white poofy and suitably bedazzled gown? Can you see Sylvia Plath looking longingly out her window dreaming of a diamante encrusted tiara and too-tight bustier? And I sure as hell don’t think that Mother Teresa was that interested in wearing a poorly made, cheap lace infused, 800 skirt, over priced wedding dress to her ceremony with the Big Guy.   

Bottom line – if you want to look like a princess at your wedding then you probably shouldn’t be getting married. Or at least give your significant other time to re-evaluate their life partner.

The Royal Faff

Okay this whole “William and Kate” getting married thing is getting really old really quick.

I mean through no fault of their own this couple is dominating the world via the media. Sure they tour about flipping pancakes in Ireland and surveying the damage here in Aus but they didn’t ask to have their faces glued to every news related programme.

First – their marriage is not news. In fact, no part of their marriage should be news.

Second – William is no longer that attractive so what’s the big deal?

On the first note I was going to write this blog a little while ago when I saw a “news” cast for the day. This included a five minute update on the earthquakes in Japan – they may have another aftershock which could do more damage. More lives are at risk. This was then followed with a very long story about the – not one – but two wedding cakes that Kate and William were having! Kate is being strict on her choices for the cakes which is “great that she’s taking such a personal interest” says the official cake maker.

Seriously.

Seriously?

I’m very happy for the soon-to-be official couple but should it really override the rest of the world? This would be fine if it were a one-off but last night I witnessed worse. Much worse.

In the week leading up to the wedding every channel on free-to-air television is broadcasting about the wedding. The dress maker, the venue, the witnesses, the bridesmaids, the colour palette, the guests and so on and so forth. A whole week dedicated to this tripe? God forbid something really bad happens anywhere because if it does it will have to wait until the wedding is done and dusted.

I guess people are excited... This is the biggest royal wedding since Princess Diana. I’m excluding Charles and Camilla because... well... Camilla wasn’t the most luminous bride the monarchy has ever seen. A royal wedding is a big deal... but only because everyone is making it one. I’m sure a shotgun wedding in Las Vegas wouldn’t go astray...