I Want a Disney Sidekick

I’ve grown up with Disney princesses. Anyone who hasn’t – hasn’t had a real childhood in my opinion. After all – what’s a childhood without idealised expectations of men, the world and everything turning out alright in the end which you carry throughout your entire adult life? Sure this gets a bit tricky when you’ve been repeatedly cheated on by a less-than-princely ass and no one will hire you and your car breaks down AGAIN and your favourite boots are officially dead. We all have our crosses to bear but the way the princesses in the films deal with it is by confiding in their sidekicks. Having watched each film about a billion times I decided that I, too, need a Disney sidekick. Given how many there are it takes a bit of thought as to what meets your criteria.

First, I don’t feel much attachment to the really old Disney films so I’m immediately eliminating these kinds of characters.

Sure they if they could talk they might come out with old timey phrases like “Spiffing outfit Miss” or “Golly that is tough!” but then I assume they would also have a set of moral codes and values from that era who wouldn’t come in handy when I ask them “so... it’s cool to go to third base on the first date, right?”. Their little cute animated eyes would probably turn dark and then they’d burst out with “GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN YOU VILE WHORE!” So that’s a no.

 Then you’ve got the tough toss-up between characters that can talk and characters that can’t. Sure I’d want someone feisty now and then that would come out with hilarious quips at the right moment – like Iago.

But maybe not a character that is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried as that could get really annoying after a while.  Sorry Gilbert, but how do people tolerate you? Also if you are going to choose a talking character make sure they don’t sound like complete morons.

Sure it may be cute for a while but I don’t think anyone could handle this lot for more than fifteen minutes without jamming them in a blender and then wedging that inside a microwave.

Then there’s Sebastian from “The Little Mermaid” sure he has a hilarious Jamaican accent and would add “mun” at the end of every sentence but he’s so sensible and boring. If you choose him he’d be just like another parent only stricter and more pinchy. Even Flounder is a pain

– poor Ariel – no wonder she wanted to be on dry land where these conscience-bound sea critters couldn’t bother her anymore.  

 But then I’d also want a character that could just give me adorable looks that say it all and make me forget about my woes and melt at their pure cuteness – like a kitten or something. Like Pascal.

Then there are other non-talking creatures like Abu from “Aladdin” who could steal me things but may give me diseases like Milhouse in “The Simpsons”.

That and he gets on my nerves with his incoherent screeching.

I guess I’d rather go with the non-talking character. So that rules out the other awesome ones like the genie from “Aladdin”, Phil from “Hercules” and Kronk from “Emperor’s New Groove”. Shame but you have to be ruthless.

I also think it is important to have an animal or creature as your sidekick. If you had chosen Kronk people might wonder why this huge guy was following you around everywhere – sure he’d make delicious dinners but your significant other might get a little confused  and suspicious. Plus if you went on holidays you would have to buy him his own seat – which leads me to my next point.

 You also have to think practically. Whilst Rajah the tiger from “Aladdin” was my absolute favourite as a child and has made me want my own tiger as a pet for eons (except not so much after I found out that tigers, in real life, mark their territory by spraying stink out of their butts) but tigers are quite large. Given that I don’t live in a fuck off huge palace I doubt I could handle a tiger in my apartment without everything getting broken at once. Therefore size is important. You need to choose a small creature – preferably pocket size to avoid suspicion. After all you don’t want everyone pawing at your little creature – or locking you in a crazy house for an undisclosed period of time.

Which brings me to my next point. Don’t pick something that is actually imaginary. As much as the “Hunchback of Notre Dame” was a trippy and confronting film (check out Quasi’s face) I’m pretty sure that weird statue trio were just statues. I mean if you tried to explain that they just happened to “come to life” when no one else was around I think you would be put away. Though Quasi kind of already was put away... Hmm...

Next point – you should only have one. Loads of Disney ladies have two or more but this is just being greedy. Besides you don’t want your creatures having little off to the side shenanigans without you. The main point of this companion is to heed to your every thought and action. Okay sure maybe if you had more they could rally together and surprise you with a bottle of wine every now and then – or a necklace that was once your mother’s that got broken when a white guy shot Coco-um and he accidently ripped it to shreds as he fell slow motion into a puddle. That could come in handy. It sure helped Pocahontas. But Meeko, to me, whilst being smallish and mute is kind of a pain in the ass. He seems to have ADD and never stops breaking things and getting into mischief. Mischief exhausts me which is why I would rather have Disney characters running around my home than children.   

I think my final choice is just going to have to be the chameleon from “Tangled”. I know that goes against all the classic characters that Disney has made in the past but... I watched “Tangled” last night and now that’s all I can think about. HE’S SO DAMN CUTE! ARRRRGGGGHHH!!

Who would you choose?

Ahhh! Real Weddings!

I’m pretty sure every little girl dreams about their wedding. What they will wear, who will attend, the colour palette, the food, the music and rarely any details about what getting married actually entails.

Despite this, the dress seems to be the thing on everyone’s minds when they think wedding. This has been seen with the most recent Royal Wedding and the bets that were placed as to which designer label dress Kate Middleton would wear.

I’m sure as a child I dreamed of wearing an enormous white monstrosity with fireworks and kittens firing out of it and a tiara studded with fist sized diamonds. Dream big, huh? Looking at the wedding dress role models I had as a kid – well it’s no wonder I had no taste... although wedding dresses today still look pretty rotten in general. But I digress.

Let us look at a couple of the more well known wedding dresses in the popular media in the last couple of decades.

There is Princess Diana of Wales who we all knew and loved who wore this snow beast outfit. Okay, okay she looked beautiful and it was exactly what the doctor ordered in terms of it being a royal wedding (Kate’s was beautiful but a tiny bit of a let down considering this wasn’t a run-of-the-mill wedding – it was royal! Go nuts!) but the train on Diana’s dress was so long and heavy that walking down the aisle would have been fine except that she felt she was dragging a hippo carcass behind her.

Then there is Ariel. Now “The Little Mermaid” was and remains one of my favourite films. But take a look at this.

Seriously Ariel, what were you thinking? Were you thinking? I’m pretty sure she knows how to swim what with her previously being an aquatic creature and all – so why the floatation device sleeves? Look I don’t care that it was the 90s and lived under the sea her whole life and she didn’t know better – this thing is unforgiveable.

Though I think we all know the worst wedding dress – ever. Jordan.

Need I say more? Yes, yes I do. Nothing like basketball knockers to really seal the "I'm so classy and innocent" deal.

Moving on to the bride’s head gear.  There are two exceptions to the rules of tiaras at weddings. The first of these brides are actually princesses. I understand that women want to feel “like a princess” on their big day but that doesn’t literally mean you have to wear a crown. Pretty sure the average wedding isn’t going to be able to afford a proper crown but instead a tacky rhinestone number to adorn their unattractive up do.  

Similarly, women today seem determined to wear strapless corseted dresses that explode out into a meringue at the bottom – why? Very few people can pull of a strapless and even then you can’t put your arms down because they will undoubtedly look fat. Facts of life.

I guess for my wedding (as I’m giving into peer pressure) I’ll have a dress the size of a stretch limousine with lots of bows, ruffles, sequins and enough tulle to choke a blue whale and a veil that constantly gets in my way and makes my head look like it’s sprouted with a crown on top that says “Booty-full Bride” in flashing pink plastic jewels. I’ll have forty-five bridesmaids with matching lime green hot pants and a golden lycra corset and the groomsmen will have matching green speedos with golden muscle shirts. Everyone’s hair will be as big as possible and I will walk down the aisle to the unforgettable yet totally classy “Don’t cha” by the Pussy Cat Dolls.

For more information on “classy” and “elegant” weddings click the link (or go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPHDp1ZgBck) to see the most disturbing yet addictive program titled “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding”. Trust me, it’s worth it.