Why Going on a Job Interview is a lot like a Blind Date

-        You wish you didn’t have to go. You feel sick and regret ever making any move towards this moment but still have some slight glimmer of hope and possibility that this could all end well

-        You have no idea what you’re in for – it could be really relaxed, it could be uptight, you might have to do an unexpected test the minute you’ve walked in the door

-        You always overdress

-        You get asked stupid questions that seem like the other person is generally interested but actually it is just a ploy to silently judge all that you choose to say like “tell us a bit about yourself”. Where do you go with that? I doubt they want to hear about my chronic disorder that makes me want to stab people in the neck with a pencil. Is it a question about my personal values? Favourite Colour? WHAT?

-        You feign interest at everything the other person says often laughing really loudly to try and hide the fact that you didn't find it funny at all

-        You feel the need to escape to the bathroom every five minutes

-        The questions they ask force you to talk for an extended period of time as if a silence will kill both of you

-        You desperately want to check the time and how long this charade has gone on for but you manage to use all your willpower to avoid revealing how bored you actually are

-        You end up with a sore jaw after forcing yourself to constantly smile for so long in order to seem friendly

-        You lie A LOT

-        You always leave feeling that the whole event was terrible

-        You sigh a huge breath of relief when it’s all over and you can take of your stockings

Respond to this *grabs crotch*

So, I’ve been applying for jobs. I have lost count of how many I have applied for in the last couple of months and I can’t believe how many damn applications I have written. It really frustrates me that these different organisations have the nerve to write something on the “careers section” of their website that basically says “if you don’t put many, many hours into your application then you can just forget it”. It drives me crazy. Why the hell should I spend over three hours writing specific answers to your ridiculously vague and redundant selection criteria questions? Or rather, why the hell should I spend that time, make it as good as it can be, only to not hear from you – ever?! No wonder people get depressed when they’re out of work. I mean, they spend so much time writing, getting their hopes up and trying their best only to be knocked down for reasons that will NEVER be explained.

I’m ranting. I KNOW. Anyway here are my REAL responses to selection criteria questions. The answers you would love to send in but know that if you did you would probably get black listed forever more. Here we go.

1.       Applicant must have excellent written and communication skills

Well let’s see. I was born, learnt to talk and then went to school and learnt to read and write. You can see so far that I have not misspelled anything and the sentences seem coherent. If you would then read these lines aloud – that’s how I talk. Okay? Why do I need to spend the time to write down how good I am at communicating? Can’t you see that it is ironic that I am writing about how good I am at writing? This is the first question and I’m already bored to tears. What’s next?

2.       Applicant must work well within a small group. Give an example

Sure I do. I have got along with everyone I have ever met and/or worked with forever. I am like Jesus – everyone loves me.

Okay. So one time I was working at this place – I’m not saying where because you might actually check up on this and discover it didn’t actually happen – though it TOTALLY did. Believe it. Anyway a bunch of co-workers were standing around the water cooler (in a small group) discussing the latest celebrity gossip. I walked over there and smacked the little plastic cup out of one of the guy’s hands, kicked him in the shin and told him to “GET THE F*** BACK TO WORK, YOU SLACK, LAZY PRICKS”. And they did. Productivity was up tenfold thanks to yours truly.

3.       Applicant must maintain professionalism at all times. 100 –  300 word response.

What, that wasn’t professional enough for you?

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, Screw Flanders!

4.       Applicant must be able to work well unsupervised. Give an example

In my previous occupation, I was often left alone and was able to complete all the tasks required without the need to frequently consult any superiors.

Here’s what really happened – at my last job, when I was left unattended I proceeded to put as many office supplies on my person as possible in order to create my own stationery supply store in my place of residence. I would also use the internet to its full extent – social networking, surfing the web, sending hate mail to customers and using Google to search inappropriate yet hilarious topics such as “how do I hide my crack habit from my boss?”. Meanwhile, I would be using the company phone to call relatives who live overseas and prank other co-workers by telling them I was their stalker who knew where they worked and was coming to kill them.

If I’ve actually got this far without throwing my laptop out the window then I’m doing well. I feel that I should get the job based on this fact. Chances are you, dear future employer have stopped reading, well then let’s get as creative as possible.

5.       Give examples of your computer literacy

Examples? Really? I mean, searching for your criteria online, finding your job application online, responding to crap criteria in a word document, typing, opening email, typing email, attaching crap criteria to email, sending email to you isn’t all example enough of what I’m clearly capable of doing? No? You want me to list the programs I used to do the previous? Internet Explorer, Microsoft Word, Microsoft Outlook ETC. What more do you want? Given that I am a product of this constantly advancing technological world and that I can use an iphone, I’m pretty sure I can handle anything you throw at me. Bitch, please.

6.       Explain your interest in this position

Money.

Duh. No one goes out thinking – boy I would really LOVE to be picked on and frustrated by other stupid individuals who happen to be working in close proximity to me at this moment. I’m interested in the salary side of things. Not undertaking mindless tasks for eight hours a day whilst trying to block out the smell of cat food on my co-workers breath as they tell me, for the fourth time today, about their divorce.

I also feel that this question requires me to gargle your company’s balls by saying that I have such a keen desire to work for you and how great the company is and blah blah blah.

7.       Tell us a bit about yourself. We want to get to know you!

First, your explanation mark at the end of that sentence angers me greatly which leads me to my second point. In my spare time I enjoy hunting down villains and hacking them into little pieces with a sharpened ladle and sprinkling their body parts on my neighbour’s lawn like confetti. Honestly, what do you want me to say to this question? You couldn’t give a flying stink bucket in terms of “what I’m all about”. I feel there is no “right” answer to this. I’m clearing telling you what I can do for you as an employee and I really feel that my personal interests and hobbies are in no way relevant to that fact. Sure if you really hate the elderly then applying for an aged care facility isn’t the way to go – or at least not telling them that fact anyway. Here’s all you need to know. I am unemployed. I need food to live. Food is often gathered via a monetary exchange. That is where you come in. Give me money and I will do stuff for you. Explanation mark.

And there you have it. Selection criteria complete and I didn’t even have to burn everything in sight. Just most things.

I emerged from underneath a pile of magnum wrappers to write this for you

Here’s the thing about unemployment – you feel that now you suddenly have all this time to get things done that you never had time for when you were working. Like changing the address on your licence, contacting that person you had meant to eons ago, finally getting out and finding the perfect nail polish colour you have been dreaming about, playing on that new swing set down at the park, trying out the new bubble-tastic bubblegum flavoured toothpaste, collecting all the different types of those little stickers that come on apples and finally watching the entire film of career of Samuel Jackson in one sitting.

As you may have noticed, the useful and important things that you needed to get done gradually evolve into a whole lot of time-wasting activities of which the working population would scorn. The other day I found myself watching the entire series of “16 and Pregnant” and actually feeling proud once I had successfully gawped at every knocked-up teenage girl that was given their own one hour television show. How sad is that? – The fact that I was proud, I mean—I’m aware that the whole teenage mother thing is sad on its own but that is another barrel of pudding reserved for another rant.

Suddenly I find myself yearning to alphabetise the condiments in my pantry or write reviews of everything I own and submitting them into the voids of the internet – needless to say my priorities become largely skewed as well. Labelling the contents of every drawer in the house with colour coded post-it notes is far more important than applying for jobs. After all, opening a word document is far more effort than dusting the shelf displaying my newly discovered beanie baby collection and giving them all hilarious yet sexual poses. Making a single phone call regarding work? Forget it. Watching re-runs of “Pokemon”? Hellz yeah.

You’ve probably deduced that writing a blog is another form of procrastination. At least it makes me sound like I’ve accomplished something remotely productive in a day than just filling my head with reality television nonsense. Again those who live in the working world don’t particularly enjoy hearing the difference in possum mating noises that you learnt on some random Albanian documentary that came on when the remote happened to be miles away.

There are time limits on the processes of unemployment and they look a bit like this:

1 – 2 days – wow I’m out of work – this is so new to me – I’m going to talk a relaxing stroll, maybe see a film and enjoy the day.   

7 days – I think that the house is clean enough now and the fridge sufficiently stocked with the items in which to make delicious and nutritious meals for the coming week. It is, after all, time I learnt how to make a decent roast.

2 weeks – Might be time to start looking for jobs. I’ll just open an internet browser and happen to find myself on ebay... hmm... the possibilities.

A month – What jobs are—Hey! I can see a coin stuck between the floorboards!

Two months – Oh no, wait it’s just a button.

3 months – Jelly beans = meal of the day

6 months – I can now recite most episodes of “Desperate Housewives” by heart.

1 year – Let’s face it I’m never going to get another job as I can no longer communicate with people without them thinking I am homeless – even when they are in standing in my home given the hygienic state of both and the my lacking in eye contact and social norms such as not growling when they get too close to the half eaten packet of Doritos stuck behind a pile of dirty clothes.

2 years -  Cn’t rite – 2 bzy wtchin’ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...