So, I’ve been applying for jobs. I have lost count of how many I have applied for in the last couple of months and I can’t believe how many damn applications I have written. It really frustrates me that these different organisations have the nerve to write something on the “careers section” of their website that basically says “if you don’t put many, many hours into your application then you can just forget it”. It drives me crazy. Why the hell should I spend over three hours writing specific answers to your ridiculously vague and redundant selection criteria questions? Or rather, why the hell should I spend that time, make it as good as it can be, only to not hear from you – ever?! No wonder people get depressed when they’re out of work. I mean, they spend so much time writing, getting their hopes up and trying their best only to be knocked down for reasons that will NEVER be explained. I’m ranting. I KNOW. Anyway here are my REAL responses to selection criteria questions. The answers you would love to send in but know that if you did you would probably get black listed forever more. Here we go.
1. Applicant must have excellent written and communication skills
Well let’s see. I was born, learnt to talk and then went to school and learnt to read and write. You can see so far that I have not misspelled anything and the sentences seem coherent. If you would then read these lines aloud – that’s how I talk. Okay? Why do I need to spend the time to write down how good I am at communicating? Can’t you see that it is ironic that I am writing about how good I am at writing? This is the first question and I’m already bored to tears. What’s next?
2. Applicant must work well within a small group. Give an example
Sure I do. I have got along with everyone I have ever met and/or worked with forever. I am like Jesus – everyone loves me.
Okay. So one time I was working at this place – I’m not saying where because you might actually check up on this and discover it didn’t actually happen – though it TOTALLY did. Believe it. Anyway a bunch of co-workers were standing around the water cooler (in a small group) discussing the latest celebrity gossip. I walked over there and smacked the little plastic cup out of one of the guy’s hands, kicked him in the shin and told him to “GET THE F*** BACK TO WORK, YOU SLACK, LAZY PRICKS”. And they did. Productivity was up tenfold thanks to yours truly.
3. Applicant must maintain professionalism at all times. 100 – 300 word response.
What, that wasn’t professional enough for you?
F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,
F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,
F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,
F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,
F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,
F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,
F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,
F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, Screw Flanders!
4. Applicant must be able to work well unsupervised. Give an example
In my previous occupation, I was often left alone and was able to complete all the tasks required without the need to frequently consult any superiors.
Here’s what really happened – at my last job, when I was left unattended I proceeded to put as many office supplies on my person as possible in order to create my own stationery supply store in my place of residence. I would also use the internet to its full extent – social networking, surfing the web, sending hate mail to customers and using Google to search inappropriate yet hilarious topics such as “how do I hide my crack habit from my boss?”. Meanwhile, I would be using the company phone to call relatives who live overseas and prank other co-workers by telling them I was their stalker who knew where they worked and was coming to kill them.
If I’ve actually got this far without throwing my laptop out the window then I’m doing well. I feel that I should get the job based on this fact. Chances are you, dear future employer have stopped reading, well then let’s get as creative as possible.
5. Give examples of your computer literacy
Examples? Really? I mean, searching for your criteria online, finding your job application online, responding to crap criteria in a word document, typing, opening email, typing email, attaching crap criteria to email, sending email to you isn’t all example enough of what I’m clearly capable of doing? No? You want me to list the programs I used to do the previous? Internet Explorer, Microsoft Word, Microsoft Outlook ETC. What more do you want? Given that I am a product of this constantly advancing technological world and that I can use an iphone, I’m pretty sure I can handle anything you throw at me. Bitch, please.
6. Explain your interest in this position
Money.
Duh. No one goes out thinking – boy I would really LOVE to be picked on and frustrated by other stupid individuals who happen to be working in close proximity to me at this moment. I’m interested in the salary side of things. Not undertaking mindless tasks for eight hours a day whilst trying to block out the smell of cat food on my co-workers breath as they tell me, for the fourth time today, about their divorce.
I also feel that this question requires me to gargle your company’s balls by saying that I have such a keen desire to work for you and how great the company is and blah blah blah.
7. Tell us a bit about yourself. We want to get to know you!
First, your explanation mark at the end of that sentence angers me greatly which leads me to my second point. In my spare time I enjoy hunting down villains and hacking them into little pieces with a sharpened ladle and sprinkling their body parts on my neighbour’s lawn like confetti. Honestly, what do you want me to say to this question? You couldn’t give a flying stink bucket in terms of “what I’m all about”. I feel there is no “right” answer to this. I’m clearing telling you what I can do for you as an employee and I really feel that my personal interests and hobbies are in no way relevant to that fact. Sure if you really hate the elderly then applying for an aged care facility isn’t the way to go – or at least not telling them that fact anyway. Here’s all you need to know. I am unemployed. I need food to live. Food is often gathered via a monetary exchange. That is where you come in. Give me money and I will do stuff for you. Explanation mark.
And there you have it. Selection criteria complete and I didn’t even have to burn everything in sight. Just most things.
