You Need to Literally Sing Your Guts Out, Preferably on the Judges

Okay. We’ve all seen those singing reality shows where any jo-schmo is forced onto the stage and therefore into the homes of thousands of unwilling families. You could argue that it is all our choice about whether we participate or watch or don’t watch but I’m sure each of you has seen at least one episode and understands that people go on, sing, and are harshly judged in a variety of ways until there is only one person left standing. From what I can gather you need to be well dressed – and by that I mean fitting into one genre of dress – basically you need to make your own brand and stick to it without the help of a marketing manager. These can include – skanky, rocky, alternative... and old... and that’s about it. That aside what I’m really getting at is that whenever there is an ad for these shows they always show the judges looking flabbergasted (obviously) and then a series of contestants who proceed to open their mouths as wide as they possibly can. It seems to me if you want to go far in the music/reality business you need to be able to fit the whole microphone in your mouth in one go or else you will be eliminated for not “feeling it” or having enough “passion”.

Passion directly equates with the width of your mouth.

And the only real way you can legitimately open your mouth that wide is if you are singing out one really long, continuous note with your eyes closed as if you are lost in that one moment. Here is a picture I drew to illustrate.

As you can see – this cartoon would clearly win as their eyes are closed and they could easily deep throat the microphone whilst singing some stupid ballad like “You are the Wind Beneath my Wings”.

Once their song is all over then everyone will jump around and start clapping and honking like sea lions and the contestant will say something lame mushy like “I’ve wanted to be a singer since I was a foetus” or “I just want to make someone in my extended family proud who may or may not be dead” and all that contrived nonsense. Meanwhile I just feel very, very tired.

Deck the Malls: It's Consumerism Season Again

As the festive season has unsuspectingly sprung us all with our pants down – again – I figured it was time to give a few tips before the big day arrived. These tips are not only important around this time but any holiday, event or gathering of more than just yourself. Of course I assume that you, dear reader, are annually bombarded by various friends and relatives. If not, then get some.

It has become imperative in life now to photograph and document every miserable moment of your dull, dull existence but as this is now the age of technology and we don’t have to rely on the town crier and the single literate person in the village to document ourselves we use cameras and social networking.  

Let’s get the ball rolling and begin.

Drinking:

Drinking at any event is a tricky decision. If you are sandwiched between two people who you would have been better off never knowing but forced together due to some apparently similar genes, getting pretty darn wasted seems the only way to escape. We’ve all been there. The down side is that you might get on one of these social media type dealies and let loose. Whilst it is entertaining for everyone who isn’t involved it looks really trashy. But then again so does just turning to them and shouting/slurring “WELL YOOO ARRRA STOOPID SHLLLLAAAAG!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!”. Let your senses guide you.

Photos:

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen an example of the duck face? It’s a new trend amongst younger women that when a photo is taken they tend to tilt their peace symbols to the side and pout out their lips in a desperate attempt to look gangsta. In reality you just look like a total twat and, as the label infers, a duck. I would hope everyone has got past this but now there is a new trend that every girl seems to be a bit guilty of – myself included – and that is sticking your tongue right behind your teeth when you give a big toothy smile. Some fool must have invented this dumb rule and through the vines of female discussion it has taken over the world! Apparently pressing your tongue against your teeth when you give a toothy smile makes it look more... I don’t know sexy or something but in reality you just notice there is an awful lot of pink fleshy stuff almost protruding from between each chopper. Note to self – don’t do it. Don’t have any holiday photos marked with these to facial afflictions. Other than your own personal facial affliction but there’s nothing I can do about that.

Dress:

I don’t think people have realised the different standards of dress required to different types of occasions. It seems to me there are way too many guys getting around in board shorts in lieu of real pants. Are they that keen that if they saw any form of liquid they would just dive right in? I’ll let you know if any distant relatives attempt to paddle in my sparkling white wine this year. Also girls are gadding around in thongs (flip-flops – and don’t even get me started I can’t muster enough hatred for these wretched shoes so let’s leave it at that) and big baggy singlets that do nothing but emphasise the fact that they can now wear a brassiere. It ain’t a classy Christmas without seeing some cans.

Food:

Usually food is a big deal. Anywhere. At any time. Given that we humans rely on the intake of sustenance thrice daily it makes sense that occasionally we go all out. Because there will inevitably be one item that everyone wants to eat please don’t be that person who swoops in, takes as much as possibly, eats at a ridiculously fast pace and goes back for more all before you’ve even decided to have some. World, let’s make a pact. If you get the greediest person alive at your dinner table feel free to stab them with any implement provided by the host. After all – what are forks for?

Presents:

All I can say is when it involves distant relatives who are just trying to clean out their garage learn to put on a happy face and then throw it over your shoulder when no one is looking.  

Happy Holidays!

I emerged from underneath a pile of magnum wrappers to write this for you

Here’s the thing about unemployment – you feel that now you suddenly have all this time to get things done that you never had time for when you were working. Like changing the address on your licence, contacting that person you had meant to eons ago, finally getting out and finding the perfect nail polish colour you have been dreaming about, playing on that new swing set down at the park, trying out the new bubble-tastic bubblegum flavoured toothpaste, collecting all the different types of those little stickers that come on apples and finally watching the entire film of career of Samuel Jackson in one sitting.

As you may have noticed, the useful and important things that you needed to get done gradually evolve into a whole lot of time-wasting activities of which the working population would scorn. The other day I found myself watching the entire series of “16 and Pregnant” and actually feeling proud once I had successfully gawped at every knocked-up teenage girl that was given their own one hour television show. How sad is that? – The fact that I was proud, I mean—I’m aware that the whole teenage mother thing is sad on its own but that is another barrel of pudding reserved for another rant.

Suddenly I find myself yearning to alphabetise the condiments in my pantry or write reviews of everything I own and submitting them into the voids of the internet – needless to say my priorities become largely skewed as well. Labelling the contents of every drawer in the house with colour coded post-it notes is far more important than applying for jobs. After all, opening a word document is far more effort than dusting the shelf displaying my newly discovered beanie baby collection and giving them all hilarious yet sexual poses. Making a single phone call regarding work? Forget it. Watching re-runs of “Pokemon”? Hellz yeah.

You’ve probably deduced that writing a blog is another form of procrastination. At least it makes me sound like I’ve accomplished something remotely productive in a day than just filling my head with reality television nonsense. Again those who live in the working world don’t particularly enjoy hearing the difference in possum mating noises that you learnt on some random Albanian documentary that came on when the remote happened to be miles away.

There are time limits on the processes of unemployment and they look a bit like this:

1 – 2 days – wow I’m out of work – this is so new to me – I’m going to talk a relaxing stroll, maybe see a film and enjoy the day.   

7 days – I think that the house is clean enough now and the fridge sufficiently stocked with the items in which to make delicious and nutritious meals for the coming week. It is, after all, time I learnt how to make a decent roast.

2 weeks – Might be time to start looking for jobs. I’ll just open an internet browser and happen to find myself on ebay... hmm... the possibilities.

A month – What jobs are—Hey! I can see a coin stuck between the floorboards!

Two months – Oh no, wait it’s just a button.

3 months – Jelly beans = meal of the day

6 months – I can now recite most episodes of “Desperate Housewives” by heart.

1 year – Let’s face it I’m never going to get another job as I can no longer communicate with people without them thinking I am homeless – even when they are in standing in my home given the hygienic state of both and the my lacking in eye contact and social norms such as not growling when they get too close to the half eaten packet of Doritos stuck behind a pile of dirty clothes.

2 years -  Cn’t rite – 2 bzy wtchin’ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Really, People?

No but seriously... really?

Okay I tend to dwell more on the negatives that happen to me in my life but, honestly, who doesn't? The point is how can you see the good in people when people keep pooping all over my existence - at this point in time not literally which is some sort of providence...

Here is my life scoop. I came back to my car to find a massive scratch and dent in it. The culprit was nowhere to be found. How can you do that? Seriously, how can you be such a shite individual that you can cause serious damage and just walk away? In this case it would be driving away but given the incompetent driving they employed when scraping the crap out of my car they are probably dead after driving off a cliff.
I can only hope.

I was aware that the road contained a variety of morons who couldn't drive for various reasons but I figured my overly cautious driving ability had rendered me pretty lucky... but there you go... Morons strike again! You never can win.

Pretty much for the rest of the day all I could imagine was going through a parking lot, walking over the bonnets and smashing the lights out of every car with a baseball bat. It would be a light smashing frenzy with cathartic undertones. It is what gets me through the day without getting arrested. Tomorrow could be a different story if this happens again...

Humans = Big Ol' Suckfest

When you get a job and it involves anything to do with talking and dealing with people face-to-face you eventually come to the realization that people suck.

Let me just emphasise that a little bit more – people SUCK.

I’m sure we’ve all been in a retail/hospitality type situation where an individual goes crazy over the most trivial and insignificant matters. It happens A LOT.

I’ve been working at a hotel for a while now and I never knew people were so annoying – particularly when they are holidays. When I go on holiday I go there to see the place I am visiting, eat good food and have a good time. I never care about the state of the place I stay in (unless of course it is crawling with lice and there is no roof) but SO many people do. I am constantly bombarded by the wankiest complaints.

“Excuse me but does the body lotion in the bathroom contain wheat?”

“My soap dish wasn’t properly cleaned. I think someone might have stayed in my room before me”

“My television only gets 399 channels and I really need 400”

“When I go into the public swimming pool other people can see me and it isn’t very private”

“I’ve been in my room for five minutes and it hasn’t been cleaned again yet”

For the most part people whinge about stuff they should have found out before arriving. If you do your research then you won’t need to get all huffy about the fact that, no, your room does not have a gold plated urinal that shoots fanta when flushed whilst playing “We Will Rock you”.

Why do people suck?

Interacting with other humans is mostly an unpleasant experience and all the good people you meet and see don’t counteract the lame ones that plague the earth demanding soy sheets and turtle friendly light fixtures.

I think the only conclusion is that people are douche bags love to complain. Or rather older people love to complain. I consider myself to be in the youthful category and I have hardly ever complained about anything in any official capacity because I go at it with the thought “get over it”. Older people (and I had SO better not turn into one… though maybe it’s fun…) like to find fault in most things and nothing compares to their humble abodes which begs the conclusion to STAY AT HOME. Buy some inflatable palm trees, throw some sand about the place and BAM a tropical paradise in your own home.

What annoying people have YOU dealt with?