You Need to Literally Sing Your Guts Out, Preferably on the Judges

Okay. We’ve all seen those singing reality shows where any jo-schmo is forced onto the stage and therefore into the homes of thousands of unwilling families. You could argue that it is all our choice about whether we participate or watch or don’t watch but I’m sure each of you has seen at least one episode and understands that people go on, sing, and are harshly judged in a variety of ways until there is only one person left standing. From what I can gather you need to be well dressed – and by that I mean fitting into one genre of dress – basically you need to make your own brand and stick to it without the help of a marketing manager. These can include – skanky, rocky, alternative... and old... and that’s about it. That aside what I’m really getting at is that whenever there is an ad for these shows they always show the judges looking flabbergasted (obviously) and then a series of contestants who proceed to open their mouths as wide as they possibly can. It seems to me if you want to go far in the music/reality business you need to be able to fit the whole microphone in your mouth in one go or else you will be eliminated for not “feeling it” or having enough “passion”.

Passion directly equates with the width of your mouth.

And the only real way you can legitimately open your mouth that wide is if you are singing out one really long, continuous note with your eyes closed as if you are lost in that one moment. Here is a picture I drew to illustrate.

As you can see – this cartoon would clearly win as their eyes are closed and they could easily deep throat the microphone whilst singing some stupid ballad like “You are the Wind Beneath my Wings”.

Once their song is all over then everyone will jump around and start clapping and honking like sea lions and the contestant will say something lame mushy like “I’ve wanted to be a singer since I was a foetus” or “I just want to make someone in my extended family proud who may or may not be dead” and all that contrived nonsense. Meanwhile I just feel very, very tired.

Singing and or Dancing

Am I the only one who finds it embarrassing when you are on the dance floor, a song comes on that you sort of know, you make dancey movements based on the beats of the song only to have them stop suddenly and you are caught unawares making the wrong move to the wrong part of the song?

That was a long starting sentence but the problem is there. I go to a club half-knowing a tune and dancing about only to have my song ignorance physically played out before the eyes of every sweaty onlooker in the club. Eep.

For example the song might go “Jump, jump, jump, jump then move like a chicken. Jump, jump, jump, jump and STOP!” only to have me moving like a chicken in a world of frozen yet judgemental looks.

It’s the same with karaoke (one of my personal worst nightmares – I mean if I wanted to hear people sing badly I’d watch “American Idol”) or even just singing along in the car - you start singing what you think are the words only to have the person/people listening laugh hysterically at your stupidity. Most people don’t even think about the lyrics to a song when they sing them... which is really disturbing when you catch a nine year old singing “oh yeah baby I’ll shake my ass just for you – we can do it too – and then you can see my ooo ooo oooh!” (okay I made that up but there are some pretty sexually explicit and twisted lyrics floating around the airwaves).

I’ve been caught out singing the wrong words... I guess I wasn’t really thinking but rather getting lost in the sweet tune of “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. The song goes “Up in the club, we just broke up, I’m doing my own little thing”. I thought she said “Up in the club, I just woke up, Doing my own little thing”. Well for the most part I got it right and I think the laughter was only a slight titter from my audience at this point... it wasn’t until Beyonce starts with “If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it, Don’t be mad once you see that he want it” that I sing (or rather bellow as this is a loud powerful part) “If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it, Don’t be mad cos’ I peed on it, If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it”. Wuh uh oh.

Cue uproar of laughter from all sides.

Sure karaoke has the lyrics highlighted for you but if I’m mid-song, getting into my groove, eyes closed, power stance in place like I’m going to be double checking.

I guess in future I’ll sing quieter, study lyrics more often, dance less wildly and laugh it all off...

...Pfff... No.