Sunday, 21 August 2011

Really, People?

No but seriously... really?

Okay I tend to dwell more on the negatives that happen to me in my life but, honestly, who doesn't? The point is how can you see the good in people when people keep pooping all over my existence - at this point in time not literally which is some sort of providence...

Here is my life scoop. I came back to my car to find a massive scratch and dent in it. The culprit was nowhere to be found. How can you do that? Seriously, how can you be such a shite individual that you can cause serious damage and just walk away? In this case it would be driving away but given the incompetent driving they employed when scraping the crap out of my car they are probably dead after driving off a cliff.
I can only hope.

I was aware that the road contained a variety of morons who couldn't drive for various reasons but I figured my overly cautious driving ability had rendered me pretty lucky... but there you go... Morons strike again! You never can win.

Pretty much for the rest of the day all I could imagine was going through a parking lot, walking over the bonnets and smashing the lights out of every car with a baseball bat. It would be a light smashing frenzy with cathartic undertones. It is what gets me through the day without getting arrested. Tomorrow could be a different story if this happens again...

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Children - Not Always Cute

Here's the scoop, people. Just because you have a child it does not mean it is in any way cute or adorable. Sure, a lot of children are really cute but for the most part parents seem to think their kid can get away with anything because they are lacking in mature years. It's quite odd.
I had a random toddler kick my handbag today because it felt like it only to have its mother laugh. I didn't think it was funny. I didn't go "awwww he kicked my handbag over! Maybe something inside is bwoken! What a cutie!". I would rather retaliate in kind but I doubt that would have gone down well.

There are lots of cute, chubby little kickers gadding about the world drawing out sighs of pure enjoyment from onlookers but then there are those kids that aren't cute and are just plain annoying.

Just because a child is a child doesn't make them automatically cute. The rules of beauty and cuteness apply to children as they do everybody else and that's all there is to it.
It starts from birth - most babies look like pink grubs swaddled in blankets but - I'm guessing - when you've gone to the trouble of gestating this grub for nine months you will probably think it is cute no matter what. That or you will feel like the whole drawn-out exercise was a total waste of time.
Then they get a bit older and manage to become annoying on a whole new level. They no longer just scream, poop and make mess they also manage to do all three whilst moving by themselves and getting into all sorts of shenanigans. By no means does this make them cute.
If the child is actually cute then they are not exempt from consequences. No one ever is.

They get older and any residual cuteness fades away despite this they still try it on... The non-cute ones should have learned by now that they will have to get what they want with honest hard work or blackmail. And so the world keeps on turning...

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Words Strike Again!

"You know what... that dress you bought last week that I said looked really good on you actually looks terrible – just sayin’!”

Has anyone noticed that the phrase “just sayin’” is a guaranteed social get-out-of-jail-free-card? You can say whatever you want to someone and by adding “just sayin’” to the end you have ensured there will be no ramifications of saying what you really think. Usually we bite our tongues when giving criticism to people... unless you’re a total douche and just act like an ass to everyone. But to those who actually have friends they tend to be nice. There are certain phrases, however, that allow you to speak your mind... aside from “just sayin’”.
There is:

 “I didn’t want to tell you this but...”
“You didn’t hear this from me...”

“I wasn’t going to say anything but...”
“No offence!”

And so on.
Basically, you need to add these to any sentence and then go nuts with whatever thinly veiled insult criticism you have. It seems like an odd loophole that has presented itself to us. Usually the phrase was “if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all”. Now it’s “say whatever the hell you like but don’t make it seem like it’s coming direct from you, rather it’s a duty you are performing to aid the other person in their mistakes”.

Here are some of my own:
“Fake tan is the most fail creation I’ve ever seen. No one can seem to get it right – just sayin’!”

“No offence but if you wear Crocs you will look stupid.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything but Lady Gaga’s bizarre dress choices are a scapegoat for her inability to dance very well.”

“I didn’t want to tell you this but the epilogue in the final Harry Potter book was sappy and unnecessary.”
Just sayin’!

Friday, 12 August 2011

Heed this Warning...

The other morning, before I made my daily journey to work, I was looking for some music to listen to. Having decided I was sick of all the legitimate music I kept on my CD shelf – in full display to any guests, I ventured into the draw where I keep all my spare miscellaneous CDs from over the years. I came upon one that read “Music Mix”. Fair enough. I would give it a whirl.

I popped it in the car stereo and headed on my way. I shortly realised this was a CD from my adolescent years where I was taken in by the latest song even if it only contained a drum beat, heavily auto-tuned backup singers and a generic rapper over the top who says “yeah” a lot. There were also many other different types of terrible songs from the past that people would probably remember but try to conceal.
Nonetheless I was grooving away on the drive, sadly, knowing all the words and any appropriate hand gestures that went with the song – and no I am not talking about the “Macerena” give me a little bit more credit than that.

As I was grooving and driving – drooving if you will – I started thinking about how embarrassing it would be if a) I picked up a hitchhiker (not that I ever would by myself because I don’t want to get stabbed in the neck with a sharpened stick) or b) was in a car accident. Sure I’d be fatally wounded and that would be a big bummer but the main point is that when the hitchhiker got into the car they would probably get right out hearing the terrible music that I happened to be listening to. Similarly, I can imagine a paramedic racing to my crushed, mangled car in slow motion dodging fire (there’s always fire in dramatic situations) ripping the door off its hinges to rescue the poor, innocent and injured damsel... only to realise she was listening to a Shania Twain song from the early 2000s and instead of rescuing me just leaving me there in shame to die in Shania’s country/pop embrace.  
I guess everyone has the thought about what-if-they-died-and-someone-would-have-to-clean-out-their-house-and-subsquently-dicovered-their-extensive-collection-of-erotic-smurf-paraphenalia. It has dawned on us all. The car music thing, however, be wary. Listen to “All the things she said” by T.A.T.U. in the safety of your own home.

Saturday, 6 August 2011

My Techology is Better than Yours.

Why do Apple products feel the need to self-promote themselves? Sure, every business wants to let everyone know how awesome they are but I think it's a little bit lame that every product they release sets itself on a mission to let the world know about it and its brilliance.

Like ipads and iphones. Whenever someone sends an email from either of these products they end the email with "sent from my iphone" or "sent from my ipad". The person has no control over this but everytime I see that message I take it as an insult. A message of look at me and my sweet, fancy gadget - far superior to yours.

What if my computer did that everytime I sent an email? It would go like like:


No, you cannot borrow my spandex tights again. I spent hours cleaning the mustard and bubblegum off them after the last time you used them.

Sent from my piece-of-shit Toshiba