Monday, 30 January 2012

The Duck Face Through History

So I figured this blog needed some culture... to an extent. Therefore I have compiled a chronological list of different art works that happen to contain the well known duck face. If you don't know what the duck face is - somehow you managed to escape its pouty wrath - here is what urban dictionary has to say:
"A term used to descibe the face made if you push your lips together in a combination of a pout and a pucker, giving the impression you have larger cheekbones and bigger lips."
Or better yet this:
"Stupid facial expression put forth by stupid [people] that don't know how to smile. The Duckface is made by moving both lips has far up and outward as possible..."
I've realised that seeing the presence of this facial expression through centuries of art makes it apparent that this "face of a duck" is not such a recent development. I now argue that it is encoded in our DNA as homo sapiens. Perhaps this was a way of prepping yourself in order to gain the fittest mate. Maybe bigger lips are an outward sign to any approaching mate that you are capable of performing certain tasks better than any other? And by that I mean warding off predators by confusing them into thinking you are a large duck with the ability to smother them in a painful yet pouty death. You decide...

"Portrait of Johann Friedrich, the Elector of Saxony" 1531 by Lucas Cranach the Elder

"Portrait of a Marie de' Medici" 1551 by Agnolo Bronzino
"Portrait of a Woman" 1564 by Lucas Cranach the Elder

"Catharina Hooft with her Nurse" 1620 by Franz Hals
"Self-Portrait, Staring" 1630 by Rembrandt
"Louis XVI" 1776 by Joseph-Siffred Duplessis
"Lady Hamilton as Circe" 1782 by George Romney
"Self-Portrait" 1794 by Jacques-Louis David
"A Portrait of Gavriil Derzhavin" 1811 by Vladimir Borovikovsky
"Self-Portrait" 1847 by Dante Gabriel Rossetti
"Venus Verticordia" 1868 by Dante Gabriel Rossetti

"A Portrait of Berthe Morisot Wearing a Black Hat with Violets" 1872 by Edouard Manet

"La Parisienne (A Portrait of Mme Jules Guillemet) 1880 by Edouard Manet

"Male Portrait" 1931? by Arthur Theo Dirkx

"Duck Face and Wax Face" 20?? - Ozzy Osbourne
"Serious Duck Face" 20?? - Miley Cyrus

Sunday, 29 January 2012

A Pox on Princesses!

As a saddo who has no life and watches a lot of reality television shows based around marriage I draw a lot of conclusions – and, no, not just that I’m a saddo either.
No matter what show it is, where it is, who it is, whenever these dumb hos try on a wedding gown they like or get ready for the big day they, without fail, will say “I feel like a princess”. They will either say that or start out by saying “I want to look/feel like a princess”. Basically, something that involves the wedding and then them and the word princess.

I can understand wanting to look “like a princess” when you were three and playing Disney princesses or even as a fifteen year old going to a high school semi-prom type occasion and buying the ugliest fake satin dress money can buy whilst having badly curled hair and an alarming amount of eyebrow hair. Or maybe that was just me. The point is if you are getting married then you are probably a grown person (I say probably as there are some child brides getting about – Courtney Stodden, anyone?). Let me say that again slowly – YOU ARE AN ADULT. Adults shouldn’t want to look “like a princess” on their wedding day. What groom/other wedding person is going to want to turn around to see their significant other dressed up like an emotionally stunted, fake diamante tulle explosion? 
Some. Apparently.

The thing is, it doesn’t stop at the world’s most hideous princess dress. We then have to include the bling. The bling which ALWAYS includes a tiara. I’m sorry, a tiara? Again – YOU ARE AN ADULT. ADULTS DO NOT WEAR CROWNS EXCEPT THOSE WHO ARE ACTUALLY IN THE ROYAL FAMILY BUT EVEN THEN THEY WOULD NOT INVOLVE ANY DIAMANTES, RHINESTONES OR FAKE-ASS CRYSTALS!
I apologise for the caps lock but I felt the message needed to be read loud and clear. Ahem.

It also amazes me at how the label of wedding princess can really vary from person to person. Some brides want to look like fairy tale princesses and do the whole long white glove (erk), hair in a curled generic up-do (ik) whereas other ideas of princesses just translate as slag. Since when did a mesh corset on top (*violent digestive upheaval*) become the latest trend? After all I’m sure Daddy would love to see his little princess tits out and rivalling a stripper.  
How can a real, live person operate in this world and yet still dream of one day looking like a princess? Can you imagine Marie Curie hoping to walk down the aisle in a blindingly white poofy and suitably bedazzled gown? Can you see Sylvia Plath looking longingly out her window dreaming of a diamante encrusted tiara and too-tight bustier? And I sure as hell don’t think that Mother Teresa was that interested in wearing a poorly made, cheap lace infused, 800 skirt, over priced wedding dress to her ceremony with the Big Guy.   

Bottom line – if you want to look like a princess at your wedding then you probably shouldn’t be getting married. Or at least give your significant other time to re-evaluate their life partner.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

It's the End of the Loaf not the End of its Life

Why is it that no matter where or who you are when it comes to sitting down and enjoying a delicious slice of bread whether it is toasted, plain or accompanying other foodstuffs no one will ever take the end pieces of the loaf. The beginning and the end of the loaf always lie neglected in the bread bag at the end of the week. The poor pieces probably feel lifeless, useless and abandoned as the only human interaction they get is when someone accidently picks up the end piece only to let it fall down, down into the dark depths of rejection. The only time they then see the light of day is to fill a compost bin or be pecked to death by savage sea gulls at the dumpster. Pretty heart breaking stuff.
I decided that enough is enough. No longer would I be the one to inflict this pain upon an innocent fibre product. I would endeavour to right the wrongs every other end piece had endured by using them to their maximum potential. Was I going to eat them from now on? Hell no. I was going to find other more innovative ways to use the end bits in my everyday life.
As a sponge


A Coaster


Picture Frame

Iphone case

 A Book Mark

Modern Art

Postmodern Art

Toilet Paper

A Make-Shift Rag for Chloroforming Unsuspecting Victims
Knee Pads

Note: Most of these are much more effective once stale or frozen. Especially if you are considering using them as some sort of weapon – eg. Ninja death stars.

Monday, 16 January 2012

Just Because it's a Baby Doesn't Make it Cute

Why is it every time I am out with other female acquaintances and a baby is either wheeled or waddles by they all go “awwww look at how cute that baby is!”. I turn and see a bulbous headed chimp.

Some babies are cute – I will admit that. BUT – not all are. I think people forget that just because it’s a baby doesn’t mean it is automatically cute. Naturally, parents become biased and think their little angel isn’t actually a blobby little brat – which it is. That always seem to happen when you are near a small child and they begin biting you, screaming or Exorcist style vomiting in your direction yet the parent does nothing. As if the parent expects, you too, to grin like a valium injected moron at this child’s antics. News flash – they ain’t cute! It’s similar with all fun things that just so happen to be aimed only at children. Like seal shows. Why do parents always insist on their kids participating? I want to participate, dammit. I feel that in my years of life I bloody well deserve to throw the odd fish but – no – this snot encrusted gnome must steal the glory. Glory which they will almost certainly never remember.
Unfortunately, some people will not have cute kids. They will look like shrunken mushrooms for a good couple of years in their lives. Others will be in commercials and adored by thousands until they get older, no one cares and they cry themselves to sleep wondering why.

Why is it most babies look like little old men despite their sex? I get introduced to little Megan or Sarah or Angela and I have to stop myself from offering the newborn a refreshing glass of prune juice or some assistance to cross the street.
Then you get that awful moment when a new mother thrusts their child upon your person and begs to know the answer to the question "Isn't she just the cutest!?". Let me tell you "uumm for something that looks, smells and squeals like a piglet - I suppose so" is not the right answer unless you want to experience what all of Medusa's victims experienced.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Pre-requisites for Becoming a Teen Mom:

1.       Must dye hair colour at least twice every month. Must be peroxide blonde at least once.

2.       Must have long garishly coloured acrylic nails – see previous blog for more details.
3.       Needs to say “like”, “I thought he had changed” and “I never realised being a mom was so hard” a lot and without noticing the irony.
4.       Optional ability to cry unattractively – see appendix one “Farrah”.
5.       If applicant has parental units that are willing to help with the union product then they must be ungrateful and rude at all times which may consist of but is not limited to:
o   Using a nasally tone
o   Having a bitchy attitude
o   Saying “I know that, Mom” when being told something they didn’t know
o   Arguing for no reason
o   Making stupid mistakes
o   Crying over the fact that everything has been handed to you even though you went and made a really stupid mistake and yet you still haven’t got the 70 inch plasma flat screen you always wanted.
once again see appendix one “Farrah” who will be, for the further duration of this blog, titled as Little Bitch Cryface.
6.       Choosing a hopeless partner who may present one or all of the following features:

o   A cap either worn normally but often backwards, sidewards etc
o   Dirty, dirty boy stubble
o   Some form of body “art” – tattoo, piercing, stretch earring etc
o   Must wear oversized clothes either shirt or pants
o   Must say “I’ll definitely help with the baby”, “I want to be there for you and the baby” and “I love and care for you and the baby”.
o   Must then renege on one or all of the previous point’s statements. Preferably by just walking out and never returning except to leave badly constructed text messages on the applicant’s phone.

7.       Applicant for “Teen Mom” status must have at least one piercing on their person. Extra points will be considered for hideous around-the-mouth-often-gets-mistaken-for-a-pimple piercings.
8.       Must always be heavily in debt and/or in need of money and must discuss this constantly.
9.       Preferable if the applicant makes a constant yet ever unsuccessful attempt to get their high school diploma or equivalent whilst always talking about how they will “definitely” get it.
10.   Applicant must have awful first name preferably misspelt. Examples include: Catelynn, Jenelle, Nikkole, Kailyn, Christinna, Cleondra.
11.   Once passing the previous pre-requisites and receiving the union product they will then badly name and misspell their own badly named product. Here are some applicants’ previous choices – Aubree, Alleah, Genesis, Carolynn, Jace, Neveah, Jordynn, Brooklynn, Kay’Den, Destiny, Rylan, Kylee, Aydenn.   

12.   Must be between the ages of 13 – 19.

13.   Must be female.

14.   For extra credit points the successful applicant may choose a second hopeless partner, or return to first, and conceive, badly name and badly raise one or more extra children.
Appendix One – Farrah/Cryface
This could be you!