Friday, 23 September 2011

High Heels and Low Expectations

Why is it practically impossible to find a nice pair of high heels shoes? Every season I race to the shopping centre thinking “maybe this season I will find a pair of heels that don’t make me want to wash my eyes in acid after looking at them”. This season requires a lot of acid.
Apparently stripper style shoes are the new thing here... I’m sure this tsunami of ugly has already destroyed everyone in the Northern hemisphere but down here it is just starting and I can’t find an umbrella big enough to shield me.
When walking through a shoe shop now I hear these women going “I want a pair of heels that are really classy, elegant and hot” and then they buy these...

 Seriously? Watching drunken girls totter home on regular heels is sad enough but these things? You’d need a step ladder to reach their face to wipe the vomit of their inebriated chins. That and they look like total hags. Since when did adding an extra inch of height to already high shoes become okay in the light of day? These dreadful things shouldn’t leave the poorly lit linoleum stages of an underground booty bar.
When I go through these stores now I like to look at the really horrendous shoes and think of the strippers that would be wearing them, their names and their identities.

 For example, these would belong to Mitzy. Mitzy wears little skanky playboy versions of Little Bo Peep outfits and uses her crook to scrape up the five dollar bills that litter the area surrounding her tacky shoes.

 Candy. Bleached blonde hair, orange fake tan that has sickly looking splotches all over her legs and enough eye liner to sink a battle ship.

 Amber. The tightest dress on the biggest girl. Imagine spaghetti straps straining over a large amount of fleshy girth met with boobs that are so far pushed up they look like melons trying to escape an overfilled grocery bag. Basically it’s Snookie.

Tiffani. Dressed like a schoolgirl complete with way too short tartan skirt, knee high white socks and a whole lot of daddy issues.
Vixxxen. One of those hard core Goth/bondage type outfits that look both painful to wear and be seen in.

 The Cougar. Mutton dressed as lamb. Pretty straight forward just look at most of Hollywood and then add a touch of bogan style.

Laquiee’sha. A mardi gra inspired outfit who is actually a transvestite.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Yeah - You're Mine

Got ya!

That's right. If you've navigated your way to this page via google in the search for the perfect picture of any of the following celebrities then bam - straight into my web. My bloggy web.

I've realised that in order to get my number of hits up that I need to falsely lure people in and hope they like it and want to come back. I'm probably reaching out to completely different audiences here but... I figured I'd give it a shot. Google, after all, seems the main way to get people to see the blog...

Anyway below are the promised pictures - enjoy and I hope to see more of you! Thanks for dropping by!

Friday, 16 September 2011

Buzz Words

Have you ever noticed that decades of modern history are marked by fashion and music? You know how music channels do montages of the best hits of the 80s, 90s and so on and each clip stars the same hideous garb as the last? I can never sit through those... seeing monster shoulder pads alongside crimped hair more than once activates my gag reflex.

Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that I've realised that decades are not only defined by fashion mistakes and music, they are also noted for their buzz words. As in words that were really big at the time and whenever anyone says them in context now people stop, stare and judge. Like when I was watching "Fern Gully" recently and I came out with "that was a totally bodacious and tubular lunch". I'm pretty sure my audience are still sitting at the cafe staring at the space I use to be sitting in.

I've noticed in this day and age - as in NOW - people tend to use a whole bunch of buzz words in order to make sales. Recently, if an ad for any product comes on television or the radio or one of those annoying people that stand in the middle of the shopping centre going "Excuse me! Excuse me ma'am? Want to try this?" they use words that somehow make you feel like you are doing something good for yourself. Words like "minerals", "anti-oxidants", "organic", "free-range" and "herbal" just to mention a few. Nowadays if a product is selling itself to you and it doesn't have one of these words or something similar on it we don't care. We, the people, want to feel good about buying something that is that little bit more expensive (and it only is that little bit more expensive because of these words not because the product is actually going to deliver any of this promised jargon) so we get a little ego boost about how awesome we are for locating, finding and using the product. Think of how many people we can tell about the product we use.

"Oh Cindy I just bought the most FABULOUS hand moisturiser. It's made from 5000% organic anti-oxidants and with every bottle I've freed an Atlantic salmon from captivity."
"Okay. Cool. I just use the cheap stuff from the supermarket."
"I don't feel that using the 'cheap' stuff is contributing to our fast-paced globalised world and its living creatures."
"I didn't realise that fish were so heavily impacted by my choice of hand lotion."
"Oh they are, Cindy. They are."
"So, does it work?"
"Not really."

Buzz, buzz, buzz. If someone tells me about the benefits of anti-oxidants I want to then go ahead and ask them if they know what an anti-oxidant actually is - without googling it. We like to believe we are going that extra step to help something rather than just ourselves so the purchase won't make us feel too bad.

Now that we can identify these ad ploys we need to quickly get on board with the next big thing - what's some new buzz words we can throw around in the next ten years and make squillions of dollars? How about... a secret herb that is made only by Sha-Shark-Kan monks in the remote jungles of South America? Or... the never before known extract of a cumquat that will keep you looking good and quite fragrant forever...

Monday, 12 September 2011

Rock Stars

Have you ever noticed that people always use rock stars as the benchmark of kick-ass behaviour? Like when it's someone's birthday someone else will chime in with "party like a rock star". Or when a friend dresses really pimpin' to go out or to a wedding then they "look like a rock star". I assume these people are just going to go out and live large rather than make weird demands for the entirety of the evening. After all, who but a rock star can get away with hiring a bunch of clowns to get drunk and wrestle one another in the presence of a priest? Yeah... only a rock star. Or a really retardedly rich person.

What if rock stars are getting tired of this? What if they are getting sick of having to invent new ways of destroying a hotel room using only their bodily fluids? These poor people are having to pave the way for reckless and thereby awesome drunken behaviour when maybe they just want to have a quiet night in with the missus and watch "Pride & Prejudice".

Have we ever considered their feelings? Would we think any less of Alice Cooper if he started baking cupcakes? What if Ozzy Osbourne started knitting? We could take the 'rock star' genre to new heights. For example - "Hey man, going to the quilt exhibition later? Stitch like a rock star!"

Friday, 9 September 2011

iphone4 is SO Last Season...

We all know those people who dress really badly and when you try to make subtle hints about improving their general appearance they bang on and on about how the fashion industry has corrupted us all and they don't buy into that sort of stuff thereby making you look like a totally superficial and vain ass for even mentioning it. You know the people I mean.

Well I've been thinking about it and these full-time running shoe wearers with high socks and oversized t-shirts boasting destinations their family and friends have been to are also the ones who lose sleep over the excitement of new gadget being released.
These are the people that queue up outside the Mac store waiting for the new iwhatever to be available to the public when it does pretty much the same thing as the previous inonsense but with a different shape. The point is having these pieces of premium technology gives people the sense of superiority over those who are still using a lesser gadget. Of course this whole process is then eclipsed by the next big thing and they race out and buy it storing it safely in a big bucket labelled "junk"that gets turfed to the deep, dark recesses of the garage.

Doesn't this sound awfully familiar? Fashion familiar, in fact? Yeah, I thought so too.
How is fashion any different? These people, who from now on will be referred to as nerds for lack of a a better term, wet their pants at the prospect of owning a new console or gadget mastering in its advanced technological wizardry. If you even suggest to these nerds that they just put on a clean shirt they get that smug and disapproving look and cry "fashion fascism". They seem to think that the small percentage of people who actually do change their entire wardrobe every three months are the same as the rest of the world who realise their favourite shirt is now riddled with holes and barely readable after too many spins in the washing machine and dump it.

Here's the reality: looking good will get you laid.

Monday, 5 September 2011

To Crutch? Or to Crotch?

I've been noticing more and more lately that people are misusing and interchanging the words crutch and crotch. There is a difference, people!
When someone says something like "I'm going to kick that guy in the crutch" I imagine a poor old man getting his crutches kicked from beneath him, hitting the ground in a frenzy of chewed elderly flesh and cracked bones.

Let's get this straight.

A crutch is the thing you hobble about with after being in a foolish snowboarding/motorbiking/slipping over in the shower accident.
A crotch is the thing between your legs. I don't think I need to go in to any more detail on that...

Can you find the incorrect word use with these sentences?

Has anyone seen my crotch? I need to go to the fun fair.

Boy, my crutch is really itchy and inflamed.

I'm going to clutch my crutch to my crotch and sail over the moon.

The more you know.