Monday, 24 October 2011

Eye Yi Yi

I've held this blog in long enough, quite frankly, and now is the time it needs to come out. In full force.
Ladies of the world...


Dear god, I see girls gadding about with so much eyeliner on they look like a strange new species of sleep deprived lemur.

It is NOT a good look. I don't understand why they do it.

Is it some sort of defence mechanism? Excessive amounts of eyeliner reduce their visibility so that they look more mysterious when they flick their heads around when in fact they are just trying to get a grasp of their surroundings.

I don't think they use eyeliner pencils - on no - they aren't strong enough. They use roller brushes that would usually be used on houses and dunk them into the most waterproof eyeliner in existence. That or tar. Given the potency and frequency of these coatings they get over a kilo and a half of eyeliner slathered onto their face. They must have the neck muscles of champions keeping their wee heads up so as to keep a well coloured eye out for potential mating partners.

We've all had the scenario where you go to sleep (possibly upside down or under a bed) and haven't had the capacity to remove your eye make up prior. The well known panda look results - but this is different! These girls are guilty of an intentional lemur look.
It reminds me of those old cartoons where one character plays a joke on the other by putting black paint on the rim of the other character's telescope (or whatever circular looking object is nearby) and then the other one gets a big black ring around their eye and looks like a total fool. These total fools are doing it on purpose!

Stop it, ladies! Just stop it! If you do I will rub my eyes in disbelief and not smudge my own eye liner.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Crying is the New Black

Have you ever noticed that in a lot of films - mostly romantic comedies - the heroine gets in a big sulk about something or rather and begins to weep. Meanwhile the guy comforts her and then they both slowly look into one another's eyes and proceed to bonk each other.
Now let me clarify that... when I say the woman "weeps" I actually mean she all out sobs, screams and makes a general scene. Somehow the mouth hanging open, puffy eyed look is what gets the fellas hot under the collar. I don't really understand it... I mean I guess when I cry for real reals I tend to look like I'm snarling, tears running down my blushed cheeks and this vein that goes around my eye stands out like an emo in a crowd of goths. Not my hottest moment.

The men in the films, however, seem to really go for this... Well I must say the film version of extreme crying (from what I have gleaned from accidentally catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I'm in the middle of a break down) is a lot tamer. After having just watched "When Harry met Sally" Sally looks pretty put together when she finds out her ex-boyfriend is now getting married. Sure she's doing the obligatory sudden sniffs, the over usage of tissues and the frantic pacing whilst wearing a dressing gown... but that's it. Anyway Harry looks up at her, they briefly kiss and then it's all over red rover and bam they're in problem city in terms of what this means in their relationship. But I digress.
Who wants to sleep with the sad chick? Or rather, who is legitimately attracted to someone with snot covering 30% of their features?

Forget going to the clubs wearing a cocktail dress and high heels - hell - just fail and exam and have a total freak out about where you want to be in life and you'll pull thousands of caring and understanding guys. I should really write a dating book.

There is one exception to this rule. Moaning Myrtle. She flies out of the toilet (there's a sexy image right there) howling all the while and yet neither Harry or Ron attempt to wipe the tears from her face and sacrifice their relationship (and dignity) for the sake of romance. I guess you couldn't really wipe away tears from a ghost without putting your hand through their head... and then there's the other thing... huh. I guess it doesn't work with ghosts - except in "Ghost".

Whilst there are a bunch of exceptions to the rule I suggest you try it on an unsuspecting male victim and see what happens. Either you get laid or you get a big detox from having a teary. Win, win.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Ain't No Thang like a Bacon Wing

Ahh bacon. Good with eggs. The other white meat. Quite pink in colour. Rather fattening. Piggy origins.

Bacon. We all know of it and most of us enjoy it. I didn’t realise that meant it should be added to every type of food to make it better. Bacon doesn’t seem to be a stand alone meat though. It is always being added to other meaty food products like burgers, steaks and salads. If bacon had one mission in life it would be inserting its fatty presence into the mouth of anyone and everyone in the attempt to make it even better.
Turning on the television you will notice the usual amount of advertisements for fast food restaurants preaching the ‘goodness’ of their individual deep fried and heart-clogging products. Take a look closer – well as close as you can get without feeling that tiny bit of spew emerge in the back of your throat because, to me, the food doesn’t even look good in the ads which is concerning, I mean what the heck will it look like it person? Well not person in... burger. Looking closely you will notice that pretty much everything has now got bacon it. Or the bonus of adding MORE bacon at your leisure. Since when did bacon become the thing that makes everything more awesome? Okay, yeah, bacon is pretty delicious on occasion but I wouldn’t wear it on top of my veil at my wedding for the sake of looking more awesome – or would I? Pretty sure Kate Middleton was considering it...

That gets the cogs in my melon turning... what if we added to bacon to everyday objects to make them more awesome? I think everyone needs some more awesome in their daily grind and not just in their lunches. For example:

The vehicle you drive.

Work stuff.

Your kids.


Your home.

 The films you watch.

Everything can be improved with bacon. Next time you are feeling down about the state of the world or some crappy incident in your life just think of bacon.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Brown's Going Down

You know the “Da Vinci Code” by Dan Brown, right? Surely you do. If you don’t I turn my head from you and almost feel a tiny bit jealous. Well as we all know it has plagued the Earth for a long time in both print and film – and probably audio book, comic, interpretative dance, musical theatre and puppets. Anyway I’m pretty sure everyone has been near, seen, owned or at least read the book. I’ve noticed lately that everyone must have read the copy their obscure relative gave them at Christmas and then given them to a second-hand store.
My challenge to you is to go in to any charity shop, op-shop or thrift store and NOT see a copy of Dan Brown’s “Da Vinci Code” or any Dan Brown book. Whether it’s “Angels and Demons” or any of the others, which I have forgotten at present, I bet there will be at least one on average at every store.
Go forth and discover! Laugh at its neglect. 

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Coming Soon: Prequel IV the Sequel...

Why are all the old movies being remade now? I don’t get it. We’ve seen it. We don’t need to see it again. Unless you want to watch the original over and over and over again because you haven’t gone to the cinema in twenty years and the very thought of leaving your house at all terrifies the living snot out of you. Well that’s fair enough I suppose.

Everywhere I look I see trailers and ads for new films and tv shows that are
a)      Sequels
b)      Prequels
c)       Spin offs
d)      Re-makes
Can’t we come up with anything new? Seriously? These producers get a hold of ONE thing that is popular and then pound every little aspect of it in every way that they can to make more money. God forbid they sat down and WROTE something new. Look at Harry Potter and Star Wars! If I see anymore merchandise for these films I might choke someone with it and I don’t think asphyxiating on a lego Yoda would be a very dignified good way to die.
Most of the time the above genres are a complete total flop. I mean did anyone watch that “Joey” spin-off series after “Friends”? Or the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie? No, I didn’t think so. JUST LET IT DIE.
Now they are re-making “Dirty Dancing” – why? The original is a classic. You can’t re-make a classic and expect to have the same box office results. That’s just stupid.
I have to say it’s pretty easy to come up with a concept – there are , after all, about a thousand different combinations of random stuff you can put together to get something new.
How about a single woman who needs to find a man whilst back-packing through Europe knowing full well that she has terminal cancer that can only be cured with true love and a climactic dance sequence?
Or a middle aged penguin that realises he hasn’t taken life by the balls and decides to move to London where he starts his own rap business only to realise the penguin chick of his dreams is actually his neighbour.
Seriously... given the crap that I see advertised this is pretty comparable.