Friday, 23 September 2011

High Heels and Low Expectations

Why is it practically impossible to find a nice pair of high heels shoes? Every season I race to the shopping centre thinking “maybe this season I will find a pair of heels that don’t make me want to wash my eyes in acid after looking at them”. This season requires a lot of acid.
Apparently stripper style shoes are the new thing here... I’m sure this tsunami of ugly has already destroyed everyone in the Northern hemisphere but down here it is just starting and I can’t find an umbrella big enough to shield me.
When walking through a shoe shop now I hear these women going “I want a pair of heels that are really classy, elegant and hot” and then they buy these...

 Seriously? Watching drunken girls totter home on regular heels is sad enough but these things? You’d need a step ladder to reach their face to wipe the vomit of their inebriated chins. That and they look like total hags. Since when did adding an extra inch of height to already high shoes become okay in the light of day? These dreadful things shouldn’t leave the poorly lit linoleum stages of an underground booty bar.
When I go through these stores now I like to look at the really horrendous shoes and think of the strippers that would be wearing them, their names and their identities.

 For example, these would belong to Mitzy. Mitzy wears little skanky playboy versions of Little Bo Peep outfits and uses her crook to scrape up the five dollar bills that litter the area surrounding her tacky shoes.

 Candy. Bleached blonde hair, orange fake tan that has sickly looking splotches all over her legs and enough eye liner to sink a battle ship.

 Amber. The tightest dress on the biggest girl. Imagine spaghetti straps straining over a large amount of fleshy girth met with boobs that are so far pushed up they look like melons trying to escape an overfilled grocery bag. Basically it’s Snookie.

Tiffani. Dressed like a schoolgirl complete with way too short tartan skirt, knee high white socks and a whole lot of daddy issues.
Vixxxen. One of those hard core Goth/bondage type outfits that look both painful to wear and be seen in.

 The Cougar. Mutton dressed as lamb. Pretty straight forward just look at most of Hollywood and then add a touch of bogan style.

Laquiee’sha. A mardi gra inspired outfit who is actually a transvestite.

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