1. Must dye hair colour at least twice every month. Must be peroxide blonde at least once.
2. Must have long garishly coloured acrylic nails – see previous blog for more details.
3. Needs to say “like”, “I thought he had changed” and “I never realised being a mom was so hard” a lot and without noticing the irony.
4. Optional ability to cry unattractively – see appendix one “Farrah”.
5. If applicant has parental units that are willing to help with the union product then they must be ungrateful and rude at all times which may consist of but is not limited to:
o Using a nasally tone
o Having a bitchy attitude
o Saying “I know that, Mom” when being told something they didn’t know
o Arguing for no reason
o Making stupid mistakes
o Crying over the fact that everything has been handed to you even though you went and made a really stupid mistake and yet you still haven’t got the 70 inch plasma flat screen you always wanted.
once again see appendix one “Farrah” who will be, for the further duration of this blog, titled as
Little Bitch Cryface.
6. Choosing a hopeless partner who may present one or all of the following features:
o A cap either worn normally but often backwards, sidewards etc
o Dirty, dirty boy stubble
o Some form of body “art” – tattoo, piercing, stretch earring etc
o Must wear oversized clothes either shirt or pants
o Must say “I’ll definitely help with the baby”, “I want to be there for you and the baby” and “I love and care for you and the baby”.
o Must then renege on one or all of the previous point’s statements. Preferably by just walking out and never returning except to leave badly constructed text messages on the applicant’s phone.
7. Applicant for “Teen Mom” status must have at least one piercing on their person. Extra points will be considered for hideous around-the-mouth-often-gets-mistaken-for-a-pimple piercings.
8. Must always be heavily in debt and/or in need of money and must discuss this constantly.
9. Preferable if the applicant makes a constant yet ever unsuccessful attempt to get their high school diploma or equivalent whilst always talking about how they will “definitely” get it.
10. Applicant must have awful first name preferably misspelt. Examples include: Catelynn, Jenelle, Nikkole, Kailyn, Christinna, Cleondra.
11. Once passing the previous pre-requisites and receiving the union product they will then badly name and misspell their own badly named product. Here are some applicants’ previous choices – Aubree, Alleah, Genesis, Carolynn, Jace, Neveah, Jordynn, Brooklynn, Kay’Den, Destiny, Rylan, Kylee, Aydenn.
12. Must be between the ages of 13 – 19.
13. Must be female.
14. For extra credit points the successful applicant may choose a second hopeless partner, or return to first, and conceive, badly name and badly raise one or more extra children.
Appendix One – Farrah/Cryface
This could be you!