Hugs All Round

I’m sorry, but when did hugging become the new handshake?

I have recently been finding myself pressed against individuals that I have no real connection to a lot lately. I remember the days when an odd glance and an almost awkward finger waggle would be enough to get you through the gates of western social etiquette. Apparently the non-touchy days are over.

Since when have we been feeling the need to invade one another’s personal space in the desperate need to become more physically engaged with each other?

I’ll be honest – if I don’t know you – I don’t really want to touch you. Even if I do know you there are levels of awkward hugging. Seems to me the level of comfortableness is in direct relation to the distance of either parties’ hips/private areas. It looks something like this...

Or this...

There are the rare occasions when you get an overly friendly person who will grind right into close friend hugging town and when that happens abort immediately. Make it an extremely short hug and keep your eyes peeled for their every intimate action.

The rate this is happening pretty soon we’ll all be hugging at job interviews or when we use public transport.

Drivers Gone Wild

As we discussed earlier, criticising someone in person is not something we all enjoy doing (unless you are one of those hilariously evil people).Talking behind other peoples’ backs just makes the world go round but when it comes to expressing your negative critiques to someone in the same room as yourself you tend to bite your tongue or at least say it in a half joking way to gauge their reaction like

“yeah the haircut looks great – for a transvestite!

*pause – quickly scan other person’s face*

I’m just kidding – it is fantastic and you are fantastic!” *nervous laughter*

Hours later talking to a different person

“O-M-G she TOTALLY looks like a trannie now!”

This is life.

The one thing, however, that we never seem to be able to discuss is the driving skills of another direct person. If you are in the passenger seat with someone who is driving like a drunken hyperactive orangutan there is little you can do to get them to stop without them getting really offended, sulky and either driving ridiculously slow or race car fast for the remaining duration of the drive.

There are so many important facets of driving that can be done badly – tail gating, speeding, driving too fast around corners or on wet roads, cutting people off, littering, not indicating, driving naked, falling asleep at the wheel, operating a tamagotchi whilst driving and so on.

It makes me nervous. And it is a little silly that we have to use that fake smile that says “I’m totally cool with dying today – I’ve had a pretty good run” and never express our fears when our lives are at risk. You can make some feeble analogy to make them get the hint like “Oh... on a totally unrelated note I knew this guy once, friend of a friend, who was driving really fast with his closest family members in the car and because he was going too fast they smashed into an apartment building and everybody in the car and the building died because the building collapsed on it and it was because he was driving too fast. That’s the thing with driving too fast though, huh?”

I guess you can somehow try to screen the potential drivers in your life based on their car appearance. Though this can be misleading. If the car is a race car you might need to worry, if the car is deceptively safe looking you might need to worry and if the car has bumps and scratches all through the paint with the number plate hanging off and the bonnet leaking fire then you should worry.

I mean of all the times when it should be kosher to speak up this is the worst. You just have to live (no pun intended) with the fact that you may die as a direct cause of these crap drivers. As much as you want to scream out “SLOW DOWN YOU CRAZY B****! HOLY CRAP, LOOK OUT! AHHHHHH!” You probably won’t. Instead you’ll silently cry and wet yourself. It’s the polite choice.

Technology - Turning us into Twats one Gadget at a Time

Has anyone else noticed that as our social technology has advanced and become less physically personal that people are getting progressively ruder?

I have.

When you work in hospitality you learn that people are more than willing to treat you like something they found stuck to the bottom of their unattractive shoes than be told “no” over the phone. Of course there are the people who act like complete tossers face-to-face - but that is a different story.

Firstly, people don’t like being told they can’t have or do something and they get crappy about it. Which is fair enough if they have been promised but people in our fast-paced, consumer driven, me me me world aren’t okay with less then what they were after and more.

People like to complain – a lot. It’s the bad things that happen to us that we remember most. So, in turn, we like to whinge and bitch through a variety of isolated mediums. We like to take our attacks out on anyone we can. Any slight indication of another person we can blame and insult for our sake and we are off like a shot. We scream at the telemarketers, we berate the receptionists, we write long winded and poorly thought out complaints that will only be seen by a few people at the bottom of the chain who will creatively fashion their idea of the complainer in their heads and move on (this imagination will always leave the complainer being fat).

Before phones were invented I can imagine people getting around in crazy old timey dress and being polite to one another and accepting when things didn’t go their way with a tip of their hat or a flutter of their Parisian fans. Then Alexander Graham Bell had to invent something that would allow these people to vent wholeheartedly into and not suffer any of the disappointed looks they would face were they in person.

When you are mean to someone on the phone you don’t take into account that the voice on the other end is actually a real person with real feelings. Well they are. I’m sure we’ve all had our moments when we’ve got frustrated but swearing and becoming unreasonable to someone via this medium is a little trashy. At least you can pull faces and flip people the bird into the phone without them noticing – or hanging up on them. Though hanging up on someone doesn’t feel as victorious when you have a cordless phone. There’s nothing like slamming a phone down in a fit of passion. Pressing a little “end” button isn’t as poetic or cathartic but much more prissy.

Then it comes to the internet. I think you all know where I’m going with this one. Have you ever been a chat room? Or read some of the comments people write about anything and everything? Good lord. The internet has become a place consisting mostly of half-illiterate complainers and people with a vocabulary that consists of misspelt profanities. When you read some of these can you imagine them being said out loud? To another person?  I marvel at half the crap these people come out with. If someone said to me, at my job, in person “yo didn do wot i asked an evrything woz shit so gimme bak my $$$ bich – LOL”. I would have to stifle my laughter whilst pressing the button for security to take this person somewhere special.

Let’s get eloquent with our complaints. Let’s get creative with our issues. If you need an example take a leaf out of www.27slash6.com ‘s book – this is a huge plug for this website. It makes me literally lol.
So the next time you get frustrated with something in your life – just take a second to calm down before verbally lashing out at another person or else you’ll be laughed about for days later for being a fat complainer. Whether you are fat or not.

Can You Tell me How to Get - How to Get Out of Sesame Street?

Everyone knows “Sesame Street”, right? I mean most people either grew up with it (like me) or were aware of it due to their offspring going “I WANNA WATCH “SESAME STREET”! NOOOOOWWWW!”. And doing some slight googling I discovered it actually premiered in 1969 – I mean, wow.

Recently, I was having a discussion about which characters I preferred and which characters I thought were lame. And before you say anything I wasn’t having this discussion by myself. For a children’s programme that features a mix of monsters, imaginary friends, numbers, letters, people and big birds it has done exceedingly well. I guess children have no problem suspending reality for the sake of an hour – I envy them.

Let’s review.

Elmo

He’s everyone’s favourite red, furry monster. He is three and a half years old and has a wide range of followers and merchandise. I myself had a tickle-me-Elmo once upon a time which just vibrated whenever you squeezed it which, on reflection, is disturbingly suspect but what I am trying to convey is that I am aboard the Elmo fan wagon.

Here’s the problem. Whilst Elmo is cute and cuddly looking he is eternally burdened with a child’s mind. He is the puppet version of Peter Pan but less in an adventures-in-Neverland and more in a short-bus-riding kind of way. This is a creature that constantly refers to itself in the third person and the only other monster I know that does that is Gollum and there’s no way I’d tickle him.

Grover

This monster is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum when compared with Elmo. Grover is a senile fool that is allowed to run around and stick his enormous pink nose in the business of the other characters. Not only is he bald and toothless but he has delusions of being able to fly and an alter ego known as “Super Grover”. He needs to be locked away in a padded cell or stuffed into an already-full elderly care home where he is force fed custard and made to play bingo until he snuffs it.

Snuffleupagus

This is a mammoth thing that somehow managed to battle and succeed against the ice age and all the other natural disasters that plagued the earth from then until now (including Cher). Not only this but he managed to overcome the problem of being imaginary. That’s right when he was first created he was a figment of Big Bird’s imagination and eventually everyone else could see him too. Poor Snuffleupagus can no longer spy on women undressing or the nocturnal activities of Bert of Ernie which we will get to shortly.

Big Bird

Well the name is pretty straight forward. This is an oversized canary that we can understand – without the assistance of heavy narcotics. Apparently he is the protagonist of this little programme but I always felt he was a bit of a wet blanket. Every time he is on screen I feel the only letters he needs to sing to me are “K, F, C”.

Oscar

This is the grouch. Who lives in a rubbish bin. According to Wikipedia (the most reliable source of them all) Oscar admitted to originating from Canada. The only conclusion I can draw from this is that Oscar endured a hasty birth where he was promptly dumped in a trash can at his mother’s prom and smuggled over the border becoming unable to leave his can due to agoraphobia.

Bert and Ernie

What is there to say about these two? I mean, really. We know what’s really going on between these two “roommates”.

That’s right. They share the same striped wardrobe.  

Count von Count

This is the puppet version of Edward Cullen and I don’t see any teenage girls with the count pouting at them from the sixty-five posters they have glued to their walls. I mostly just feel sorry for the Count... I mean he never gets to count to any decent number... how satisfied could an individual be with only fifteen or so numbers? His next sketch will go like this “One, two, three, four.  I have four! Four anti-depressants! AH AH AH”.

DVD Dilemma

I’m pretty sure most people have had the occasion where they’ve watched a trailer for a funny film, seen it and then remarked “they showed all the good bits in the ad”.

It sucks. Basically the film industry just snuck up behind you and pinched money from your wallet whilst one of their minions did an amusing dance to keep you from noticing.

I no longer go to the cinema. Not just because of the ad thing but because it is getting ridiculously expensive. I mean they are no longer just taking the cash from your wallet but your entire wallet including the photo of the Jonas Brothers hidden behind your licence (I know it’s there).

A movie watching platform I haven’t yet given up on is the renting process. I go to my local DVD shop, choose a film and go home to watch it – nothing new or observant about that. The problem is once you put the DVD in and desperately attempt to skip the other ads and scare tactics against film piracy you reach the DVD menu. The DVD menu use to be a boring screen to merely alert you to the functions of the disc – play, extra features, set up and so on. DVD menus are now fully interactive with stuff happening all over so you get taken in and forget this is just another form of trailer ruining your viewing experience. If I haven’t seen a film before and the DVD menu comes on it does the exact same thing as a trailer would in that it shows all the decent bits and not even in a well edited version as the trailer would be but rather just the funny moments with no context and no narrating voice stating the obvious.

Why are they doing this? I get that they want the menu to represent the film but COME ON don’t ruin it for me! Someone that has seen the film over a dozen times can’t complain about the menus but if this is the premiere screening for that person then... GRRRRR! There are no words to describe.

All I can say is that I’m not surprised people download movies... at least then you don’t have to endure the film being tarnished before it has even begun.

The Ubiquitous "Good"

“Hi, how are you?”

“Good. How are you?”

“Good.”

Does this sound familiar to you? Is this something you hear almost every day with slight variation? Whether you have a job that forces you to ask the question or you go into a shop and are asked this question – even online - either way you hear this little exchange A LOT.

How many people are actually “good” when they respond this way? I know I’m usually not but if I spent the time explaining the different components of my emotional and physical state in that moment I would probably get stared at – pity stared.

When I was studying in England I had to get use to the shopkeepers asking “you alright?” when you entered a store. At the beginning I would simply reply “yes” or “yes, I’m fine” and then on came the stares. Apparently, in Britain, you don’t need to reply to that. It isn’t so much a question but rather a statement acknowledging your presence. It worked wonders when I realised a slight smile or nod would satisfy them and I tried to bring this knowledge back to my home land.

It didn’t work.

Most of the time people thought I was either mute, incapable of speaking English or just a total non-communicative cow.

It is more than likely this response is just a failsafe question and answer so we can continue with what actually needs to get done. I mean I’m sure that neither one us really cares how the other is feeling. We just need a short, polite yet pointless opener to appropriately get what we want from one another without arousing suspicion of others – albeit our bosses or other judgemental onlookers.

As a kid I would always get asked “how was school?” and I would, without fail, respond with “good”. Not that I didn’t have a good day – I’m sure if it was lousy and filled with hate due to some other kid laughing at my kneecaps then I would want to share but if it had been an average day where not much happened I would just say the word that frees us from further explanation and boring small talk.  

Actually this word is kind of freeing. I don’t have to reveal myself to strangers on a regular basis. They might take the hint if I say I’m good and have big puffy, red eyes from crying or blood shooting from my temple and not ask any more questions. In fact, I feel positive about the mundane and mediocre nature of the word “good”. And right now, after typing this blog, I feel good.

"Twilight": Bringing Hell to a Screen Near You

This blog has been a long time coming. Since it came out I have mocked, parodied, criticised and laughed heartily at this piece of garbage also known as “Twilight”. I know there are many, many fans out there who love this story – which is fine (I type begrudgingly) but the film is rubbish on so many levels. I watched it again recently out of absolute sheer boredom and took a tally of how many awkward moments there were. In the 120 minute running time I calculated 177 moments of shudder inducing episodes. Given the number I was shuddering the whole way through – it was quite an exercise and luckily no one saw me as I probably looked as though I was having a fit.

I don’t really know where to begin. Chronologically, I suppose – but knowing the stupidness of this film I’ll probably go off on to extended rants.

The film begins with the most convincing actor in this whole tripe fest and that is the deer. Throughout the screening I wondered if the deer had also been hired as the scriptwriter. Surely only an animal with hooves bashing away at a keyboard is the only possible culprit for this dreadful feature. Seriously people, the dialogue is AWFUL. And I don’t mean awful as in “awe inspiring” I mean it as crap. Crappity crap. The crappiest crap that ever did crap.

Moving on. I can’t help but feel that Bella Swan belongs on the short bus. She can barely construct a coherent sentence let alone speak without avoiding eye contact, blinking rapidly, twitching or speaking in a complete monotone. Then we move on to her attire. Baggy shirts, hoodies and jeans as well as that random bowling shirt she wears in one scene do not look hot. If American high school in the popular media is anything to go by then no pubescent adolescent boy would want the socially retarded frump. Let’s be realistic here. The fact that she has like five guys slobbering all over her within minutes of entering the school is laughable and just plain unbelievable. Stephanie Meyer is just trying to trick the unpopular girls of high schools everywhere that secretly boys are in love with them and she’ll sell more books cashing in on this. Sorry, girls, and I say this as an unusual and unloved high school girl myself, teenage boys want the girls with exposed flesh and perky, ignorant attitudes. Boys will notice your awesome personalities AFTER high school. Bella Swan is the exception to this rule as she has no personality. Being clumsy is not a personality. Which leads to my next point. Who would want to be friends with her? Again she just arrives at a new school and is automatically amalgamated into a posse. She has nothing to offer these people. She takes no interest in anything they do and is a total numpty.

Despite this, Bella is the talk of the crappy town known as Forks. Somehow the woman who works in the local tavern has had nothing else happen to her in her life that she remembers Bella’s favourite dessert. And that other guy’s high point in life was playing Santa to Bella over a decade ago. Wow that is one sad ass place if the talking point is Bella, who I have pointed out is nothing special. Well... she’s special in an inverted commas kind of way.

Several terrible and out of place guitar riffs later Edward enters the scene giving the same expression I would give if I were to ever meet Bella – wanting to puke and murder her at the same time. It weirds me out that people all over the world are lusting after this elderly blood sucker. I mean if Edward looked like Dracula, the traditional vampire, would people still want him? If you had this looming over you and watching you sleep?

I don’t think so.

Why would an almost hundred year old person want to hang around with a teenager? Does a mature individual really want to listen to “Oh my god, Mindy at work was being such a cow today. She was all like ‘you can’t do that’ and I was like ‘why not?’ God! Why is my life so hard?” Given that they aren’t getting it on I don’t see the attraction. Plus this whole relationship is so illegal and paedophile-y.

Then there’s a scene at the beach where it’s mandatory for everyone to wear an ugly hat followed by some point where Bella’s dad gives her some pepper spray. Seriously, pepper spray? Aren’t there so many guns available in America they practically come free in cereal boxes?

Bella gets her narcissism on when Edward explains that he can read minds – but not hers. He doesn’t seem to realise it’s because she doesn’t have any thoughts. I guess that’s love for you – or at least some sick Daddy complex thing.

A lot of other clichéd and contrived stuff happens but the “best” part is where Bella blurts out to Edward “you’re beautiful!” and “it’s like diamonds”. Honestly – can she keep a single thought in her head? It would be wack being around her. Once minute you’re discussing... I don’t know... her beat up truck and the next minute she suddenly says “I like carrots” or “my name starts with ‘B’” or “it’s my time of the month” – KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, FOOL!

Last but definitely not least is her hospital performance.

Wow. All her short bus acting lessons really paid off. I really thought her eyelids would fly off given the work out they were given. And the stuttering and incapability to make any sense? Brilliant. If you want to sound like the neediest person in the world then memorise this speech. Who would put up with that? They’ve been dating for a few months and the thought of breaking up sends her into crazy overdrive. She’s fictional and yet I just want to dump her.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re still with me, there you have it. A breakdown of not everything that is wrong with this film as that would take a life time but a look at this crud-bucket we know as “Twilight”. You may ask if I have anything positive to say about this movie and I actually do – the soundtrack is quite good. Other than that it deserves negative eight out of ten.

Happy watching!