Tuesday, 28 February 2012

In Da Howwwwwwwse!!!

Recently I’ve been watching a lot of “House”... And by “a lot” I mean all day and by “recently” I mean the last few days... each episode is about 40 minutes or so and I have access to seven seasons...

Because I’ve been watching so much I’ve pretty much broken down the formula of the show. Each episode begins with a random patient in their everyday life and they either have a seizure, faint or blood pours from some orifice. In some of the later episodes, however, the writers are desperately trying to trick the audience by having one person in pain only to have the helper fall down and need House’s help. Very clever.
The episode then goes on with all three co-doctors (who have kind of lame sub-plots which boil down to who is sleeping with whom and why do I care) scurrying about in a snappy attempt to get this patient better. In the first twenty minutes they think they’ve got this disease licked and the patient will go home skipping in glee the whole way in a matter of seconds. Oh no but wait now they are a) seizing or b) bleeding/vomiting blood. Cue more diagnoses and House throwing in mean quips the whole way through and eventually we reach the end of the episode with a dramatic curing of the almost dead patient.
Well done, Monsieur Maison.
It seems to me the writers just find the most random and rare breeds of disease they can and go from there... I don’t get why there isn’t a medical database that you can just tap in the symptoms and Bob’s your uncle/medical practioner... I guess there wouldn’t be much witty banter that way.
Now as I’ve been sitting around the house watching “House” (huh huh) I’ve taken on the shows language and behaviour. My man friend will come home and as he is an ambulance operator he returns from a case only to be badgered with questions from me like “Was this patient’s liver shutting down? Were the kidneys shutting down? Did all the vital organs begin shutting down?”.
Noticing a pattern? In the show the characters will always refer to the organs in a constant state of “shutting down” – seriously get a phrase thesaurus or something... the organs couldn’t be decreasing in function? Worsening? Conking out? Backfiring? Taking a one-way train to fail town?
Then it got weirder (for my man friend anyway) as I got a splinter in my foot and began limping around the house barking out acronyms as if they meant something. “Quick! I need an AKR on the FT stat! We need to get a LMD or this sucker will be deader than a road kill weasel.”
Aside from this I write the contents of the fridge on the windows as a homemade white board and discuss what can be made with aforementioned ingredients only to reject every idea that is given eventually making a strange concoction of my own at the risk of everyone involved.
Now I may sound like I’m coming off all cool and totally adapted to the show but at the same time any needle, body fluid or surgery comes on screen I get chills down my spine and need to cover my eyes. I guess I’m only fit to act as a doctor not be one. Just like House! And to ALWAYS jump the conclusion that it’s lupus.

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