Responsi-wha?

Since when did getting older mean that we have to behave like adults? I realise that sounds like a rhetorical statement but seriously – who started this crappy rule?

When did it become not okay to cry at the dentist’s office or skip merrily down the road just because you felt like it?

I turn 22 this year and it is just confirming how terrifying it is to be older and more responsible. “Responsible”. What does that really mean? Well according to my primary school dictionary it is defined as “1. Answerable or accountable, especially for something within one’s power, control, or management” and it comes right after rabbit but before steamroller – sweet dictionary I KNOW. Did you ever find in primary school that if you couldn’t spell a word your teacher would tell you to look it up? What’s with that? I mean if you can’t spell the word how the hell are you meant to find it?? Mark it against all the words you do know and work backwards? Well at least I learnt how to read and write in school so here we are... Now where was I? Oh yes. Being responsible – or rather not being very responsible in terms of clarity in this blog...

So – responsibility. Taking control and managing my actions... well what has that got to do with fighting the urge to bellow “Eye of the Tiger” on the bus? I take full control of that... the volume, the delivery and its general brilliance.

Why have retained a Victorian standard of public and social living? This hushed up-avoiding eye contact with a bad situation? Who hasn’t avoided staring at a public brawl between a man and woman who get heated and start shouting about their waning sex lives and inability to re-tile their bathroom? You avoid it but really, really want to gawp. The only reason we don’t is because a) it’s rather inappropriate and b) because we don’t want these crazies getting all up in our grills.

It seems weird though... I don’t know... I think it’s warranted to throw a big tantrum like any normal child would when the video store is out of “Avatar”. Or when your significant other asks you do to the washing up... It’s better than bottling it up and then finally exploding at them in a public place. Like your wedding.

That reminds me... so there are these life-size concrete cassowaries (big blue emu/ostrich birds – look it up) at a service station near us and one day there was this dad with his three little kids having lunch. Well two of them were having lunch... the other one was doing this...

He was having the time of his life... it was awesome. Heck after seeing him do it – I wanted to do it!

Maybe the moral of the story is to do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t involve aggression...Or maybe that you should be able to do whatever you want as long as I find it amusing.

Crayons for the real world

What’s with crayons being introduced with such sissy colour names? I mean as an adult (!) I want to choose colours that actually represent what I’m colouring and it doesn’t usually consist of a blue sky, green grass and a red house as it might have many years ago.

These days we use crayons to draw our feelings towards our day, mocking a co-worker or just pounding those things into the walls – whichever takes your fancy. I find that in these scenarios we need colours that really reflect this. That and “wild watermelon” doesn’t really have any relevance to most peoples’ everyday life – unless you, dear reader, often find yourself alone with a watermelon and the presence of many whips and handcuffs... well that’s your business...

...aaaannnnyway...I have taken some colours from the more original 130 (not the added on extras like the swirly crayons or the glitter ones – that would be too easy) and renamed them for your grown-up pleasure.

Antique Brass (205, 149, 117) – An evening with the toilet

 Beaver (159, 129, 112) – No seriously... that's what it's called... I don't think it needs changing

Brick Red (203, 65, 84) – Paper Cut

Cadet Blue (176, 183, 198) – Unemployment

Copper (221, 148, 117) – Immovable stain on white shirt

Dandelion (253, 219, 109) – Stomach Bile

Granny Smith Apple (168, 228, 160) – Mucus

Hot Magenta (255, 29, 206) – Regrettable lipstick choice

Inchworm (178, 236, 93) – Why can’t I look like her?!

Laser Lemon (254, 254, 34) – Too much Asparagus/Dehydrated

Manatee (151, 154, 170) – Crap Weather

Mango Tango (255, 130, 67) – Fake Tan

Outer Space (65, 74, 76) – Migratory mascara

Periwinkle (197, 208, 230) – Old Lady Do

Radical Red (255, 73, 108) – My boss needs to die

Raw Umber (113, 75, 35) – Beer O' Clock

Scarlet (252, 40, 71) – Bad Day

Spring Green (236, 234, 190) – Forgotten Milk

Tumbleweed (222, 170, 136) – Deforestation

Unmellow Yellow (255, 255, 102) – Peroxide Mishap

White (255, 255, 255) – Everything Mac

Wild Strawberry (255, 67, 164) – Funeral Faux Pas

Wild Watermelon (252, 108, 133) – Acne

Board Games

Recently I have been overcome with the urge to play all my childhood favourite board games. Actually scratch that “childhood favourite” part... it was more the games that were available in childhood and everybody felt obligated to play.

On re-playing these games with willing victims and not figments of my imagination—no Mrs Crumplebottom you did not win that game of Scrabble—no you didn’t. Well I don’t consider joolax a word even now. Yeah the made up Dictiona—you stay where you are! Don’t pinch me! Get back in your tent!

...

Now...Where was I? Oh yeah board games. I’ve realised that board games are way too easy. So easy in fact that they become bored games. That’s right I went there... pun town. So I took it upon myself to improve these games for the avid mature aged gamer like myself... I got lazy with some and decided that a description was adequate enough. Here we go...

Scrabble – Out of the 100 pieces given 50 of them should be “x”s. This would probably result in the “XXX” version of the game and I really doubt there would be many complaints...

Guess Who –

Chess – All the players are bishops. White’s bishops are on the white squares. Black’s bishops are on the black squares.

Monopoly (or should now be called “Monotony”)

Backgammon – No one knows how to play this game anyway. At least I don’t. So it’s hard enough.

Connect Four –

Snakes and Ladders – You’re probably expecting me to just say “lots more snakes” but I’ve got waaaay more imagination than that you sceptical so and so... The game would now be called “Murderous flesh-eating half-crocodile-half-sharks armed with cannons and shooting poisonous darts and Ladders”. It has a nice ring to it doesn’t it? Basically no matter where you are on the game board these evil bastards will send you right back to the start. And kill you.

Battleship – I was tossing around the idea of the hippy/Green Peace version of this game which means that there would be no ships to place and the box would be covered in flower illustrations and ban the bomb symbols. Weed may be required for full experience – NOT INCLUDED

Jenga – Each block is different to the last. One might be slightly rounded another may be square so that when the game is started it looks as deformed and precarious as it would after several turns.

And finally Twister –