I Let the Dogs Out

Honk if you Hate Bumper Stickers!

Bumper stickers and the people that use them are getting out of control. Sure, we’ve all been use to seeing a small number of stickers motoring by. Maybe a “give peace a chance” here or a “honk if you’re horny” there but nowhere near the number you see these days – I say “these days” as if I were elderly. It’s part of my charm.

I’ve been feeling that if you have to have more than two stickers preaching the same similar message then you are an idiot. You are an idiot for treating your reader as an idiot. If you have a bunch stickers saying “save the whales”, “love is all you need”, “I heart trees” and so on – I GET IT. You throw your vote away come every election time – I UNDERSTAND. For some reason when it comes to car messages we really feel the need to drive the main message home. The main message may only contain a handful of words and colours but they do have a certain sub-text – see the image below…

The sub text of these stickers reads – “I AM A DOUCHE”.

Not only that but if have them all over your back wind shield – as most do – then how the heck do you see? Which brings me to my next point. I have created a formula that helps me manage the days when I see several sticker riddled cars. For every sticker you see on a car deduct ten IQ points. That oughta’ make it a bit easier for you.  Try it with your friends. Now you will understand the cars with all the stickers driving terribly and crushing all those that come into contact with their blind spot as they can’t check any of their windows or mirrors due to sticker overload.

Why do people get them anyway? They are so garish and moronic. Look at this.

Best bumper stickers of 2011? What part of 2011 was really marked with the phrase “Too old to care”? I guess with all the rapture nonsense that was flying around that might do it… but really. Doesn’t the population have any intelligence or dignity anymore?

Oh wait. That’s the other thing – My Family stickers. I’m sure you’ve seen these. Everybody is being really cute with their personalised illustrations of each family member plastered to their car. Wow the little girl likes – what’s that? – oh skipping. Yee-haw. They say that they are individual yet EVERYONE HAS THEM. They’ve also become a great beacon for non-nuclear families. Like ones that just have a mum and two kids – you ain’t got no daddy! Haw haw! Maybe single mums are using them as dating ice-breakers. In their minds Prince Charming will help her get her groceries to the car and notice the sticker and then they will fall in love and blah blah blah. I doubt that very much. I saw one the other day that was two older guys, an older woman and then some kids – is that some sort of messed up ménage a trois situation?

I’ve gone on long enough – my blood is beginning to boil so to ease you out here is an image I found rather amusing.

I emerged from underneath a pile of magnum wrappers to write this for you

Here’s the thing about unemployment – you feel that now you suddenly have all this time to get things done that you never had time for when you were working. Like changing the address on your licence, contacting that person you had meant to eons ago, finally getting out and finding the perfect nail polish colour you have been dreaming about, playing on that new swing set down at the park, trying out the new bubble-tastic bubblegum flavoured toothpaste, collecting all the different types of those little stickers that come on apples and finally watching the entire film of career of Samuel Jackson in one sitting.

As you may have noticed, the useful and important things that you needed to get done gradually evolve into a whole lot of time-wasting activities of which the working population would scorn. The other day I found myself watching the entire series of “16 and Pregnant” and actually feeling proud once I had successfully gawped at every knocked-up teenage girl that was given their own one hour television show. How sad is that? – The fact that I was proud, I mean—I’m aware that the whole teenage mother thing is sad on its own but that is another barrel of pudding reserved for another rant.

Suddenly I find myself yearning to alphabetise the condiments in my pantry or write reviews of everything I own and submitting them into the voids of the internet – needless to say my priorities become largely skewed as well. Labelling the contents of every drawer in the house with colour coded post-it notes is far more important than applying for jobs. After all, opening a word document is far more effort than dusting the shelf displaying my newly discovered beanie baby collection and giving them all hilarious yet sexual poses. Making a single phone call regarding work? Forget it. Watching re-runs of “Pokemon”? Hellz yeah.

You’ve probably deduced that writing a blog is another form of procrastination. At least it makes me sound like I’ve accomplished something remotely productive in a day than just filling my head with reality television nonsense. Again those who live in the working world don’t particularly enjoy hearing the difference in possum mating noises that you learnt on some random Albanian documentary that came on when the remote happened to be miles away.

There are time limits on the processes of unemployment and they look a bit like this:

1 – 2 days – wow I’m out of work – this is so new to me – I’m going to talk a relaxing stroll, maybe see a film and enjoy the day.   

7 days – I think that the house is clean enough now and the fridge sufficiently stocked with the items in which to make delicious and nutritious meals for the coming week. It is, after all, time I learnt how to make a decent roast.

2 weeks – Might be time to start looking for jobs. I’ll just open an internet browser and happen to find myself on ebay... hmm... the possibilities.

A month – What jobs are—Hey! I can see a coin stuck between the floorboards!

Two months – Oh no, wait it’s just a button.

3 months – Jelly beans = meal of the day

6 months – I can now recite most episodes of “Desperate Housewives” by heart.

1 year – Let’s face it I’m never going to get another job as I can no longer communicate with people without them thinking I am homeless – even when they are in standing in my home given the hygienic state of both and the my lacking in eye contact and social norms such as not growling when they get too close to the half eaten packet of Doritos stuck behind a pile of dirty clothes.

2 years -  Cn’t rite – 2 bzy wtchin’ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

And Another Thing - Music Videos

So this is kind of a rehash on a previous blog but I feel there is more to be said on the topic of music videos.

We all know they are a sleazy display of the alcohol fuelled, skantily clad youth of today but there is more to it than that now. It's not just sleazy because there are cleavages, various asses and thrusting hip motions dominating the screens but more because of the obvious product placement. It is so rare to see a film clip that doesn't have a zoomed-in image of a car symbol, alcohol label, clothing brand or some other gaudy and over priced unnecessary piece of garbage.

Somehow, recently, I was watching the "Top 30 Countdown" of popular and current music - for the sake of my reputation (!) let's say I was shackled to the chair and my eyes were forced open "Clockwork Orange" style. Anyway I was subjected to the gyrating flesh fest that is contemporary pop and noticed that in the top five most popular songs of the week, three of them had obvious product placement for mini coopers. The cooper establishment must be suffering if they need to have some random singers mating in the back seat. This boggles my mind as I had always thought mini coopers would make any type of courting ritual rather difficult in the back seat given that they are about the size of a tuna can.

Soon the lyrics of the songs will become the tag lines of the products and it will be like "Sha la la la Oh baby I love the way you buy me the products I need. Git out ma Nike hat - the hat that fits better than most and drivin' ma pimped out mini cooper - the ride that bounces, swoops and goes like the wind - vroom vroom, baby yeah". Catchy, huh?

Celebrity Chefs

Why is it that everything now needs a celebrity chef to endorse it? When all this shenanigans started it was tolerable and it made sense to some extent. Celebrity chefs that we had a vague idea of would bang on and on about how good this certain product was. It started out as food products. Nigella Lawson sensually enunciates her way through a tea commercial whilst Curtis Stone is fondling the fruit and veg (oo-err) in our local supermarket adverts.

Chefs who write cook books, have cooking shows and teach us how to cook now telling us the benefits of certain foods over others. It made sense.

Next we have some "celebrity chef" that I had never heard of pop up in a dominos pizza ad. And another with KFC. It seems odd to me that a chef, who understands the basics of food and their nutritional content, would decide to speak the so-called benefits of the new fatty sandwich or pizza. Or pizza sandwich. I guess everyone has their price. And the viewers have their conscience that tiny but clearer.

Next came a Hungry Jack's ad (it's like Burger King) which had a "gourmet chef recipe" for their latest burger. There was no actual chef... just the recipe. The whole chef element has been replaced. All I can imagine is a phantom chef somewhere in the seedy underground warehouse of Hungry Jack's being held in shackles and chains making fancy burger recipes every hour of the day in order to avoid another whipping.

Soon they'll be endorsing anything from tyres to underwear to sombreros to birth control. It's getting weird.

Eventually they will have stooped so low and been paid so much that I can imagine a big billboard with Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver (one of the really big name celeb chefs who seem to care a lot about world issues) standing next to starving African children holding a glass of dirty water with the words "when I'm in poverty I only drink contaminated water. There is nothing else like it! Nothing at all!" and giving a cheesy grin. It's only a matter of time.

Ear Muffs

That’s right, you heard me, ear muffs. Or maybe you didn’t hear me? Because you’re wearing ear muffs... if you are then congratulations you have discovered the ground breaking untapped resource of silence.

First, people these days (and I say ‘these days’ even though I am quite a young individual and as if I’ve seem times prior to now that adds up to more than a couple of decades – which it doesn’t – but I beg that you get the right idea—ANYWAY) –ahem – people these days are so keen to cloud their day and I mean every second of it with some sort of music. Whatever happened to silence? Is that not ‘in’ anymore? I didn’t realise that I needed to be listening to Kanye West whilst exercising, Metallica whilst driving, Taylor Swift whilst studying, Tupac whilst cleaning the house and some random dance track whilst doing everything else. We are forever bombarding our lives with the beats that someone else made and though at times it may enhance memories for the most part it is blocking out the natural sounds.

This brings us back to the ear muffs. Why is it that ear muffs are only acceptable when using heavy machinery? They should be available in all walks of life. Not just the aforementioned activities either. Why can’t we wear them at loud concerts? I know it would look a bit dorky but for the sake of your hearing health it would be better post-concert to hear nothing than a sick ringing of dying cells. What about when attending a children’s party? Or a dinner event at the parents-in-laws’ house? Makes sense to me. Why pretend not to zone out when you can literally block them out?
Let the world know – ear muffs can do more than warm your ears – and more than act as an accessory for your head features. And you won’t die if you aren’t listening to music.

Fly Graph