I Want a Disney Sidekick

I’ve grown up with Disney princesses. Anyone who hasn’t – hasn’t had a real childhood in my opinion. After all – what’s a childhood without idealised expectations of men, the world and everything turning out alright in the end which you carry throughout your entire adult life? Sure this gets a bit tricky when you’ve been repeatedly cheated on by a less-than-princely ass and no one will hire you and your car breaks down AGAIN and your favourite boots are officially dead. We all have our crosses to bear but the way the princesses in the films deal with it is by confiding in their sidekicks. Having watched each film about a billion times I decided that I, too, need a Disney sidekick. Given how many there are it takes a bit of thought as to what meets your criteria.

First, I don’t feel much attachment to the really old Disney films so I’m immediately eliminating these kinds of characters.

Sure they if they could talk they might come out with old timey phrases like “Spiffing outfit Miss” or “Golly that is tough!” but then I assume they would also have a set of moral codes and values from that era who wouldn’t come in handy when I ask them “so... it’s cool to go to third base on the first date, right?”. Their little cute animated eyes would probably turn dark and then they’d burst out with “GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN YOU VILE WHORE!” So that’s a no.

 Then you’ve got the tough toss-up between characters that can talk and characters that can’t. Sure I’d want someone feisty now and then that would come out with hilarious quips at the right moment – like Iago.

But maybe not a character that is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried as that could get really annoying after a while.  Sorry Gilbert, but how do people tolerate you? Also if you are going to choose a talking character make sure they don’t sound like complete morons.

Sure it may be cute for a while but I don’t think anyone could handle this lot for more than fifteen minutes without jamming them in a blender and then wedging that inside a microwave.

Then there’s Sebastian from “The Little Mermaid” sure he has a hilarious Jamaican accent and would add “mun” at the end of every sentence but he’s so sensible and boring. If you choose him he’d be just like another parent only stricter and more pinchy. Even Flounder is a pain

– poor Ariel – no wonder she wanted to be on dry land where these conscience-bound sea critters couldn’t bother her anymore.  

 But then I’d also want a character that could just give me adorable looks that say it all and make me forget about my woes and melt at their pure cuteness – like a kitten or something. Like Pascal.

Then there are other non-talking creatures like Abu from “Aladdin” who could steal me things but may give me diseases like Milhouse in “The Simpsons”.

That and he gets on my nerves with his incoherent screeching.

I guess I’d rather go with the non-talking character. So that rules out the other awesome ones like the genie from “Aladdin”, Phil from “Hercules” and Kronk from “Emperor’s New Groove”. Shame but you have to be ruthless.

I also think it is important to have an animal or creature as your sidekick. If you had chosen Kronk people might wonder why this huge guy was following you around everywhere – sure he’d make delicious dinners but your significant other might get a little confused  and suspicious. Plus if you went on holidays you would have to buy him his own seat – which leads me to my next point.

 You also have to think practically. Whilst Rajah the tiger from “Aladdin” was my absolute favourite as a child and has made me want my own tiger as a pet for eons (except not so much after I found out that tigers, in real life, mark their territory by spraying stink out of their butts) but tigers are quite large. Given that I don’t live in a fuck off huge palace I doubt I could handle a tiger in my apartment without everything getting broken at once. Therefore size is important. You need to choose a small creature – preferably pocket size to avoid suspicion. After all you don’t want everyone pawing at your little creature – or locking you in a crazy house for an undisclosed period of time.

Which brings me to my next point. Don’t pick something that is actually imaginary. As much as the “Hunchback of Notre Dame” was a trippy and confronting film (check out Quasi’s face) I’m pretty sure that weird statue trio were just statues. I mean if you tried to explain that they just happened to “come to life” when no one else was around I think you would be put away. Though Quasi kind of already was put away... Hmm...

Next point – you should only have one. Loads of Disney ladies have two or more but this is just being greedy. Besides you don’t want your creatures having little off to the side shenanigans without you. The main point of this companion is to heed to your every thought and action. Okay sure maybe if you had more they could rally together and surprise you with a bottle of wine every now and then – or a necklace that was once your mother’s that got broken when a white guy shot Coco-um and he accidently ripped it to shreds as he fell slow motion into a puddle. That could come in handy. It sure helped Pocahontas. But Meeko, to me, whilst being smallish and mute is kind of a pain in the ass. He seems to have ADD and never stops breaking things and getting into mischief. Mischief exhausts me which is why I would rather have Disney characters running around my home than children.   

I think my final choice is just going to have to be the chameleon from “Tangled”. I know that goes against all the classic characters that Disney has made in the past but... I watched “Tangled” last night and now that’s all I can think about. HE’S SO DAMN CUTE! ARRRRGGGGHHH!!

Who would you choose?

Actual Stories from my Actual Life

As my days now consist of sleeping, eating all the things, watching useless television, applying for jobs and trawling the internet I've now realised that my internet time is now translating itself into my everyday life.
I told you earlier that I have discovered memes. Specifically this one...

Which makes me laugh - A LOT.

So I dabbled in making my own.

Then an incident happened. Boyfriend, dearest, was making a toasted sandwich and instead of waiting for it to cool down this happened.

I actually imagined myself with this face when saying "You don't say?" Is that worrying? Maybe only if I wake up and have actually turned into a cartoon of Nicholas Cage. At least I'd get a laugh!

Common Courtesy, Where Art Thou?

Is etiquette dead?

Sure there are occasions when someone says “thank you” or “please” or holds a door open for you but I’ve noticed recently that there is no etiquette in cultural places.

The other week I went to the art gallery in a sudden show of cultural interest. It was very interesting and in this case I wanted to read all the little plaques that went alongside the images. That wasn’t going to happen. Not only was the place fit to bursting with middle – to old age people gawping, narrowing their eyes and taking off their glasses to get a better look at stuff but they managed to hog every damn article in the joint. If they weren’t practically pressing their faces up against the glass then they were discussing loudly about how this relates to last night’s episode of “The Bill” and how “My Wesley could’ve painted that.”

By the time I managed to elbow other people out of the way to stand directly in front of a piece then a fat older woman would barge right in front of me and bend over. I was literally staring at ass against my will. Excuse me? If I wanted to see sweat pants working that hard I’d go to a McDonald’s. I didn’t come here to be nauseated – not by the other patrons at least.

Have these people reached their older years and gone “You know what? I’ve been polite long enough. Fuck the youth. They can stare at my fat ass all day long.” That doesn’t seem very fair. (Flash forward into the future where I am MC Hammer dancing in front the Mona Lisa whilst knitting) – HA that would never happen. I can’t knit.

I thought the older generation were the ones who were meant to tell us off for being rude? I thought it was meant to be the younger generation that weren’t taught proper manners or discipline and were then brought up by poor defenceless teachers. Apparently not. Or apparently yes and I just got a particularly rowdy bunch of elderly persons. One of the ladies was wearing a sun visor – INSIDE. Is this a rebellious fashion choice? Like wearing sunglasses at night? Take it from me – do not mess with a woman wearing a sun visor indoors. She might eat you and assimilate your youth as her own. For that matter if you see a young person wearing a sun visor indoors – RUN!

Why Going on a Job Interview is a lot like a Blind Date

-        You wish you didn’t have to go. You feel sick and regret ever making any move towards this moment but still have some slight glimmer of hope and possibility that this could all end well

-        You have no idea what you’re in for – it could be really relaxed, it could be uptight, you might have to do an unexpected test the minute you’ve walked in the door

-        You always overdress

-        You get asked stupid questions that seem like the other person is generally interested but actually it is just a ploy to silently judge all that you choose to say like “tell us a bit about yourself”. Where do you go with that? I doubt they want to hear about my chronic disorder that makes me want to stab people in the neck with a pencil. Is it a question about my personal values? Favourite Colour? WHAT?

-        You feign interest at everything the other person says often laughing really loudly to try and hide the fact that you didn't find it funny at all

-        You feel the need to escape to the bathroom every five minutes

-        The questions they ask force you to talk for an extended period of time as if a silence will kill both of you

-        You desperately want to check the time and how long this charade has gone on for but you manage to use all your willpower to avoid revealing how bored you actually are

-        You end up with a sore jaw after forcing yourself to constantly smile for so long in order to seem friendly

-        You lie A LOT

-        You always leave feeling that the whole event was terrible

-        You sigh a huge breath of relief when it’s all over and you can take of your stockings

Dub Step: Sounds of Sci-Fi and Pingers

Recently, I had the most unfortunate experience of accidently lending my ears to the new genre of music which is labelled “dub step”. Good ol’ reliable Wikipedia had a definition ready for me which states that dub step consists of ‘“tightly coiled productions with overwhelming bass lines and reverberant drum patterns, clipped samples, and occasional vocals”’. In layman’s terms this means a lot of jangly noise you could do without, but if tied to a chair and forced to listen then the intake of many, many multicoloured illicit drugs are a must-have.

This “genre” seemed to gently slip its way into the music scene, if you ask me. One minute I was listening to the new Britney Spears’ song (don’t judge – and, yes, it sucked), bopping away at her stupid lyrics and girlish yet skanky tones when suddenly a transformer with a booming voice and a stutter must have crashed through the walls of the recording studio and had at it with the microphone. Meanwhile Britney must have been crushed in the frenzy as she only returns in the song to reiterate what has already been said and therefore already been recorded.

Basically dub step sounds like this:
“BOOOOOOO BA BA… MMMmmm T-T-T-T-T-T VVVVVVVWWWWWAAAAAA… Brrrrr Dun zz zz zz zz zz. Woooooooooooooooooooooooo. WA WA WA WA WA Wa Wa wa wa wa… boom boom tsk tsk tsk”

And repeat for what feels like hours.  

Sorry, how is this music? These are just sounds. Noises.

If I wanted to know what a washing machine and a waffle ironing wooing one another with sounds would be like – this is it.

Sure listen to it at the clubs where everyone’s main goal is to get with someone without seeming like they went to the club in the first place to get some as this becomes obnoxious back noise that doesn’t make people feel awkward. I would feel awkward though – how do you dance to that? There’s no poppy lyrics telling you to “put your hands up” or “jump, jump, jump” so what is there to do when you are being told, in song, by Optimus Prime to… … who knows? Seems like you need to be able to manipulate time in order to dance in slow motion with – at least – an expression on your face which makes you look as if you are stuck in a vacuum cleaner yet really nonchalant about the whole affair.   

In summary – and in case you hadn’t already guessed – not a fan.

Life Aids (oo-err)

I find life can be quite challenging. And by life I don't mean rocket science or something deviously tricky but rather the day-to-day activities that everyone seems to have mastered. Everyone except me. First, I find travelling in a car rather difficult. Mostly because I find driving is an unnecessary stress that we should all avoid but given the place where I live has really bad public transport then that is out. Driving stinks but driving when you don't know the roads or where they are taking you is much, much worse. If you have a decent navigator that gives you adequate warning as opposed to"You need to turn NOW! NOOOOW!! NOOOOO!! THAT'S TOO FAR - YOU MISSED IT!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!" then you might be okay. When you are flying solo, however, signs and directions increase in complexity tenfold. Therefore, I need this...

Then, once I've made it to my destination (most likely the supermarket - I mean, come on, who doesn't always want delicious chocolatey snacks every waking minute of the day? -- What's that? Huh? -- Oh sorry, I think I can hear my oncoming diabetes calling). The supermarket is a challenge in of itself. I'm always trying to save money here or there so I tend to fall for the advertisers' trap of buying what's on special. Damn those little brightly coloured tabs. Having said that they aren't always the best buy. So instead of taking the time and effort to work it out I need this...

I somehow manage to get home and decide to read a book - but which book? I don't want to waste precious time reading something that won't move me to a higher level of being. Or at least provide mild entertainment. So then there's this...

And finally the one we are all in need of...

NOTE: If you blame any of the previous issues on the fact that I am of the female sex then I will reach through your screen and squish your little monkey face between my claws.

The Honest Truth.