The Honest Truth.

In Da Howwwwwwwse!!!

Recently I’ve been watching a lot of “House”... And by “a lot” I mean all day and by “recently” I mean the last few days... each episode is about 40 minutes or so and I have access to seven seasons...

Because I’ve been watching so much I’ve pretty much broken down the formula of the show. Each episode begins with a random patient in their everyday life and they either have a seizure, faint or blood pours from some orifice. In some of the later episodes, however, the writers are desperately trying to trick the audience by having one person in pain only to have the helper fall down and need House’s help. Very clever.

The episode then goes on with all three co-doctors (who have kind of lame sub-plots which boil down to who is sleeping with whom and why do I care) scurrying about in a snappy attempt to get this patient better. In the first twenty minutes they think they’ve got this disease licked and the patient will go home skipping in glee the whole way in a matter of seconds. Oh no but wait now they are a) seizing or b) bleeding/vomiting blood. Cue more diagnoses and House throwing in mean quips the whole way through and eventually we reach the end of the episode with a dramatic curing of the almost dead patient.

Well done, Monsieur Maison.

It seems to me the writers just find the most random and rare breeds of disease they can and go from there... I don’t get why there isn’t a medical database that you can just tap in the symptoms and Bob’s your uncle/medical practioner... I guess there wouldn’t be much witty banter that way.

Now as I’ve been sitting around the house watching “House” (huh huh) I’ve taken on the shows language and behaviour. My man friend will come home and as he is an ambulance operator he returns from a case only to be badgered with questions from me like “Was this patient’s liver shutting down? Were the kidneys shutting down? Did all the vital organs begin shutting down?”.

Noticing a pattern? In the show the characters will always refer to the organs in a constant state of “shutting down” – seriously get a phrase thesaurus or something... the organs couldn’t be decreasing in function? Worsening? Conking out? Backfiring? Taking a one-way train to fail town?

Then it got weirder (for my man friend anyway) as I got a splinter in my foot and began limping around the house barking out acronyms as if they meant something. “Quick! I need an AKR on the FT stat! We need to get a LMD or this sucker will be deader than a road kill weasel.”

Aside from this I write the contents of the fridge on the windows as a homemade white board and discuss what can be made with aforementioned ingredients only to reject every idea that is given eventually making a strange concoction of my own at the risk of everyone involved.

Now I may sound like I’m coming off all cool and totally adapted to the show but at the same time any needle, body fluid or surgery comes on screen I get chills down my spine and need to cover my eyes. I guess I’m only fit to act as a doctor not be one. Just like House! And to ALWAYS jump the conclusion that it’s lupus.

Not Dead... Yet...

Ahoy thar loyal readers!

 Or just any readers.

If you've been wondering "what the heck happened to that weird 'Irony and Pie' blog chick who seems to despise all the things - well here I am! I ran out of inspirational steam and then all this life got in the way. Therefore this entry will merely consist of what I've been up to of late - and it does contain more than watching Hardcore Pawn (please note the spelling).

Well. First. I got rather unwell. My skin began to feel very painful and every touch was like a dagger. Not very people-friendly when your significant other is trying to pat your head to make you feel better and you just scream out "OWWW!! YOU'RE KILLING ME, DAMMIT!". Then I suffered a particularly bad fever which made me rather delusional so I ended up much like this kid...

To make matters worse (or better/more entertaining) I began to invent some new products that I thought - in my crazed state - would help mankind and make me millions upon squillions of monies. I'm not even joking - I was sitting on the floor of the shower garbling nonsense about these "great and new ideas" apparently.

The first was for those who happen to have fake legs. Instead of an almost flesh coloured, really obvious detachable limb that you were too shy to wear shorts with then try this - The amputee fishtank!

Now you too can enjoy the breezy benefits of shorts, skirts and skorts with the knowledge that people aren't staring at your fake leg because it seems alien and unfamiliar but because there are wildlife in there! Forget platform shoes with a few lifeless goldfish in them - try a whole school of tropical and aquatic life! If you are a larger individual why not try to fit a shark in there? Get a work-out all the time hoisting this bad boy around the town - you will get thigh muscles that resemble tree trunks.

Naturally, I had worked out the kinks such as self-cleaning walls and a light and heating system depending on your location.  

Then I came up with detachable hands. Why bother clumsily holding different things, never quite getting the full use of mastery out of certain objects? You only need to have a short, sharp dose of back alley surgery and you're on your way! Then simply pop off your current hands and clip on new ones!

Also available - blending tool hands, knife hands, mobile phone hands and so on and so forth.

I now realise that I was just coming up with odd attachments in lieu of actual body parts. I'm like Quentin Tarantino and that film about the girl with the gun for a leg. I wonder if he came up with that in a similar state as I did?

In this ill time I also had a bunch of job interviews (at last!) but still haven't heard anything (typical). Though I'm not completely surprised at that response as, despite my excellent performance, I did resemble a drug addict attempting to go cold turkey given my sweaty and extremely pale appearance and my struggle to remain sitting upright.

Other then being ill I got the worst sunburn I've had in the last ten years all across my back and shoulders. This made putting on a shirt everyday like this...

I also discovered memes. As you may have guessed. The internet and its jokes are now ruling my being.

And finally I became a bridesmaid.

And that mes amis is what I have been doing.

Hopefully I'll have more material for ya reeeeaaal soon!

Respond to this *grabs crotch*

So, I’ve been applying for jobs. I have lost count of how many I have applied for in the last couple of months and I can’t believe how many damn applications I have written. It really frustrates me that these different organisations have the nerve to write something on the “careers section” of their website that basically says “if you don’t put many, many hours into your application then you can just forget it”. It drives me crazy. Why the hell should I spend over three hours writing specific answers to your ridiculously vague and redundant selection criteria questions? Or rather, why the hell should I spend that time, make it as good as it can be, only to not hear from you – ever?! No wonder people get depressed when they’re out of work. I mean, they spend so much time writing, getting their hopes up and trying their best only to be knocked down for reasons that will NEVER be explained.

I’m ranting. I KNOW. Anyway here are my REAL responses to selection criteria questions. The answers you would love to send in but know that if you did you would probably get black listed forever more. Here we go.

1.       Applicant must have excellent written and communication skills

Well let’s see. I was born, learnt to talk and then went to school and learnt to read and write. You can see so far that I have not misspelled anything and the sentences seem coherent. If you would then read these lines aloud – that’s how I talk. Okay? Why do I need to spend the time to write down how good I am at communicating? Can’t you see that it is ironic that I am writing about how good I am at writing? This is the first question and I’m already bored to tears. What’s next?

2.       Applicant must work well within a small group. Give an example

Sure I do. I have got along with everyone I have ever met and/or worked with forever. I am like Jesus – everyone loves me.

Okay. So one time I was working at this place – I’m not saying where because you might actually check up on this and discover it didn’t actually happen – though it TOTALLY did. Believe it. Anyway a bunch of co-workers were standing around the water cooler (in a small group) discussing the latest celebrity gossip. I walked over there and smacked the little plastic cup out of one of the guy’s hands, kicked him in the shin and told him to “GET THE F*** BACK TO WORK, YOU SLACK, LAZY PRICKS”. And they did. Productivity was up tenfold thanks to yours truly.

3.       Applicant must maintain professionalism at all times. 100 –  300 word response.

What, that wasn’t professional enough for you?

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU,

F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, F*** YOU, Screw Flanders!

4.       Applicant must be able to work well unsupervised. Give an example

In my previous occupation, I was often left alone and was able to complete all the tasks required without the need to frequently consult any superiors.

Here’s what really happened – at my last job, when I was left unattended I proceeded to put as many office supplies on my person as possible in order to create my own stationery supply store in my place of residence. I would also use the internet to its full extent – social networking, surfing the web, sending hate mail to customers and using Google to search inappropriate yet hilarious topics such as “how do I hide my crack habit from my boss?”. Meanwhile, I would be using the company phone to call relatives who live overseas and prank other co-workers by telling them I was their stalker who knew where they worked and was coming to kill them.

If I’ve actually got this far without throwing my laptop out the window then I’m doing well. I feel that I should get the job based on this fact. Chances are you, dear future employer have stopped reading, well then let’s get as creative as possible.

5.       Give examples of your computer literacy

Examples? Really? I mean, searching for your criteria online, finding your job application online, responding to crap criteria in a word document, typing, opening email, typing email, attaching crap criteria to email, sending email to you isn’t all example enough of what I’m clearly capable of doing? No? You want me to list the programs I used to do the previous? Internet Explorer, Microsoft Word, Microsoft Outlook ETC. What more do you want? Given that I am a product of this constantly advancing technological world and that I can use an iphone, I’m pretty sure I can handle anything you throw at me. Bitch, please.

6.       Explain your interest in this position

Money.

Duh. No one goes out thinking – boy I would really LOVE to be picked on and frustrated by other stupid individuals who happen to be working in close proximity to me at this moment. I’m interested in the salary side of things. Not undertaking mindless tasks for eight hours a day whilst trying to block out the smell of cat food on my co-workers breath as they tell me, for the fourth time today, about their divorce.

I also feel that this question requires me to gargle your company’s balls by saying that I have such a keen desire to work for you and how great the company is and blah blah blah.

7.       Tell us a bit about yourself. We want to get to know you!

First, your explanation mark at the end of that sentence angers me greatly which leads me to my second point. In my spare time I enjoy hunting down villains and hacking them into little pieces with a sharpened ladle and sprinkling their body parts on my neighbour’s lawn like confetti. Honestly, what do you want me to say to this question? You couldn’t give a flying stink bucket in terms of “what I’m all about”. I feel there is no “right” answer to this. I’m clearing telling you what I can do for you as an employee and I really feel that my personal interests and hobbies are in no way relevant to that fact. Sure if you really hate the elderly then applying for an aged care facility isn’t the way to go – or at least not telling them that fact anyway. Here’s all you need to know. I am unemployed. I need food to live. Food is often gathered via a monetary exchange. That is where you come in. Give me money and I will do stuff for you. Explanation mark.

And there you have it. Selection criteria complete and I didn’t even have to burn everything in sight. Just most things.

The Duck Face Through History

So I figured this blog needed some culture... to an extent. Therefore I have compiled a chronological list of different art works that happen to contain the well known duck face. If you don't know what the duck face is - somehow you managed to escape its pouty wrath - here is what urban dictionary has to say:

"A term used to descibe the face made if you push your lips together in a combination of a pout and a pucker, giving the impression you have larger cheekbones and bigger lips."   Or better yet this:   "Stupid facial expression put forth by stupid [people] that don't know how to smile. The Duckface is made by moving both lips has far up and outward as possible..."   I've realised that seeing the presence of this facial expression through centuries of art makes it apparent that this "face of a duck" is not such a recent development. I now argue that it is encoded in our DNA as homo sapiens. Perhaps this was a way of prepping yourself in order to gain the fittest mate. Maybe bigger lips are an outward sign to any approaching mate that you are capable of performing certain tasks better than any other? And by that I mean warding off predators by confusing them into thinking you are a large duck with the ability to smother them in a painful yet pouty death. You decide...

"Portrait of Johann Friedrich, the Elector of Saxony" 1531 by Lucas Cranach the Elder

"Portrait of a Marie de' Medici" 1551 by Agnolo Bronzino

"Portrait of a Woman" 1564 by Lucas Cranach the Elder





"Catharina Hooft with her Nurse" 1620 by Franz Hals

"Self-Portrait, Staring" 1630 by Rembrandt

"Louis XVI" 1776 by Joseph-Siffred Duplessis

"Lady Hamilton as Circe" 1782 by George Romney

"Self-Portrait" 1794 by Jacques-Louis David

"A Portrait of Gavriil Derzhavin" 1811 by Vladimir Borovikovsky

"Self-Portrait" 1847 by Dante Gabriel Rossetti

"Venus Verticordia" 1868 by Dante Gabriel Rossetti



"A Portrait of Berthe Morisot Wearing a Black Hat with Violets" 1872 by Edouard Manet

"La Parisienne (A Portrait of Mme Jules Guillemet) 1880 by Edouard Manet

"Male Portrait" 1931? by Arthur Theo Dirkx

"Duck Face and Wax Face" 20?? - Ozzy Osbourne

"Serious Duck Face" 20?? - Miley Cyrus

A Pox on Princesses!

As a saddo who has no life and watches a lot of reality television shows based around marriage I draw a lot of conclusions – and, no, not just that I’m a saddo either.

No matter what show it is, where it is, who it is, whenever these dumb hos try on a wedding gown they like or get ready for the big day they, without fail, will say “I feel like a princess”. They will either say that or start out by saying “I want to look/feel like a princess”. Basically, something that involves the wedding and then them and the word princess.

Why?

I can understand wanting to look “like a princess” when you were three and playing Disney princesses or even as a fifteen year old going to a high school semi-prom type occasion and buying the ugliest fake satin dress money can buy whilst having badly curled hair and an alarming amount of eyebrow hair. Or maybe that was just me. The point is if you are getting married then you are probably a grown person (I say probably as there are some child brides getting about – Courtney Stodden, anyone?). Let me say that again slowly – YOU ARE AN ADULT. Adults shouldn’t want to look “like a princess” on their wedding day. What groom/other wedding person is going to want to turn around to see their significant other dressed up like an emotionally stunted, fake diamante tulle explosion? 

Some. Apparently.

The thing is, it doesn’t stop at the world’s most hideous princess dress. We then have to include the bling. The bling which ALWAYS includes a tiara. I’m sorry, a tiara? Again – YOU ARE AN ADULT. ADULTS DO NOT WEAR CROWNS EXCEPT THOSE WHO ARE ACTUALLY IN THE ROYAL FAMILY BUT EVEN THEN THEY WOULD NOT INVOLVE ANY DIAMANTES, RHINESTONES OR FAKE-ASS CRYSTALS!

I apologise for the caps lock but I felt the message needed to be read loud and clear. Ahem.

It also amazes me at how the label of wedding princess can really vary from person to person. Some brides want to look like fairy tale princesses and do the whole long white glove (erk), hair in a curled generic up-do (ik) whereas other ideas of princesses just translate as slag. Since when did a mesh corset on top (*violent digestive upheaval*) become the latest trend? After all I’m sure Daddy would love to see his little princess tits out and rivalling a stripper.  

How can a real, live person operate in this world and yet still dream of one day looking like a princess? Can you imagine Marie Curie hoping to walk down the aisle in a blindingly white poofy and suitably bedazzled gown? Can you see Sylvia Plath looking longingly out her window dreaming of a diamante encrusted tiara and too-tight bustier? And I sure as hell don’t think that Mother Teresa was that interested in wearing a poorly made, cheap lace infused, 800 skirt, over priced wedding dress to her ceremony with the Big Guy.   

Bottom line – if you want to look like a princess at your wedding then you probably shouldn’t be getting married. Or at least give your significant other time to re-evaluate their life partner.

It's the End of the Loaf not the End of its Life

Why is it that no matter where or who you are when it comes to sitting down and enjoying a delicious slice of bread whether it is toasted, plain or accompanying other foodstuffs no one will ever take the end pieces of the loaf. The beginning and the end of the loaf always lie neglected in the bread bag at the end of the week. The poor pieces probably feel lifeless, useless and abandoned as the only human interaction they get is when someone accidently picks up the end piece only to let it fall down, down into the dark depths of rejection. The only time they then see the light of day is to fill a compost bin or be pecked to death by savage sea gulls at the dumpster. Pretty heart breaking stuff.

I decided that enough is enough. No longer would I be the one to inflict this pain upon an innocent fibre product. I would endeavour to right the wrongs every other end piece had endured by using them to their maximum potential. Was I going to eat them from now on? Hell no. I was going to find other more innovative ways to use the end bits in my everyday life.

As a sponge

Earmuffs

Postcard

A Coaster

Origami

Picture Frame

Iphone case

 A Book Mark

Art

Modern Art

Postmodern Art

Toilet Paper

A Make-Shift Rag for Chloroforming Unsuspecting Victims

Knee Pads

CDs

Money

Note: Most of these are much more effective once stale or frozen. Especially if you are considering using them as some sort of weapon – eg. Ninja death stars.