Saturday, 14 May 2011

Ahhh! Real Weddings!

I’m pretty sure every little girl dreams about their wedding. What they will wear, who will attend, the colour palette, the food, the music and rarely any details about what getting married actually entails.
Despite this, the dress seems to be the thing on everyone’s minds when they think wedding. This has been seen with the most recent Royal Wedding and the bets that were placed as to which designer label dress Kate Middleton would wear.
I’m sure as a child I dreamed of wearing an enormous white monstrosity with fireworks and kittens firing out of it and a tiara studded with fist sized diamonds. Dream big, huh? Looking at the wedding dress role models I had as a kid – well it’s no wonder I had no taste... although wedding dresses today still look pretty rotten in general. But I digress.
Let us look at a couple of the more well known wedding dresses in the popular media in the last couple of decades.

There is Princess Diana of Wales who we all knew and loved who wore this snow beast outfit. Okay, okay she looked beautiful and it was exactly what the doctor ordered in terms of it being a royal wedding (Kate’s was beautiful but a tiny bit of a let down considering this wasn’t a run-of-the-mill wedding – it was royal! Go nuts!) but the train on Diana’s dress was so long and heavy that walking down the aisle would have been fine except that she felt she was dragging a hippo carcass behind her.
Then there is Ariel. Now “The Little Mermaid” was and remains one of my favourite films. But take a look at this.

Seriously Ariel, what were you thinking? Were you thinking? I’m pretty sure she knows how to swim what with her previously being an aquatic creature and all – so why the floatation device sleeves? Look I don’t care that it was the 90s and lived under the sea her whole life and she didn’t know better – this thing is unforgiveable.
Though I think we all know the worst wedding dress – ever. Jordan.

Need I say more? Yes, yes I do. Nothing like basketball knockers to really seal the "I'm so classy and innocent" deal.
Moving on to the bride’s head gear.  There are two exceptions to the rules of tiaras at weddings. The first of these brides are actually princesses. I understand that women want to feel “like a princess” on their big day but that doesn’t literally mean you have to wear a crown. Pretty sure the average wedding isn’t going to be able to afford a proper crown but instead a tacky rhinestone number to adorn their unattractive up do.  
Similarly, women today seem determined to wear strapless corseted dresses that explode out into a meringue at the bottom – why? Very few people can pull of a strapless and even then you can’t put your arms down because they will undoubtedly look fat. Facts of life.
I guess for my wedding (as I’m giving into peer pressure) I’ll have a dress the size of a stretch limousine with lots of bows, ruffles, sequins and enough tulle to choke a blue whale and a veil that constantly gets in my way and makes my head look like it’s sprouted with a crown on top that says “Booty-full Bride” in flashing pink plastic jewels. I’ll have forty-five bridesmaids with matching lime green hot pants and a golden lycra corset and the groomsmen will have matching green speedos with golden muscle shirts. Everyone’s hair will be as big as possible and I will walk down the aisle to the unforgettable yet totally classy “Don’t cha” by the Pussy Cat Dolls.
For more information on “classy” and “elegant” weddings click the link (or go to to see the most disturbing yet addictive program titled “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding”. Trust me, it’s worth it.

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