When I moved house I was given a shiny new kettle. A silver, modern yet cute looking kettle for my boiled water needs. This kettle was different to all the same old white plastic boring kettles out there – this one was better.
Or so I thought.
Little did I realise that this kettle was actually forged by Lucifer himself out of the pits of fiery hell and conveniently boxed to look like every other cute shiny kettle on the shelf. This is the tale of my evil kettle.
Sure it can boil water thereby achieving its very purpose in this world but I never realised it was also designed to burn me in every way it possibly could. It beings with filling the kettle. The lid refuses to be replaced in any complete sealable way. There is always an unforeseeable space where the steam will also emerge from. This extra steam fries the hand pouring the water so that serving tea becomes laced with unnecessary profanities.
And then comes the time when you jam the kettle back down with that burnt hand frowning at it for causing you pain. Maybe even getting upset (as it has happened many times) and shoving it a little to show it who’s boss. It’s only after you shove the kettle you realise with the remaining fingers left on the kettle that it is extremely hot and is burning you right back. Here's how I see the kettle...
The really downright cruel part of this kettle is whenever anyone else uses it they don’t have any problems at all – in fact they love the kettle. This kettle is seducing my housemates into thinking it’s darling, sweet and boils some deliciously magic water. This is a crafty kettle.
My only conclusion here is that I am the only person in my household without android hands impervious to burns and that this kettle is more manipulative and two-faced than Cinderella's stepmother.
And no, this whole scenario hasn't come about because I'm incapable of using a kettle.
Any day now the damn thing will fly at me from across the room and scald the life out of me.