Monday, 23 May 2011

Things we Learn from Films

WARNING: There may be spoilers.
Titanic & Titanic II:      NEVER get on a boat with “Titanic” in the title. It will only end badly.
Juno:                            Teen pregnancy is without consequence as long as you have a quirky attitude and a phone in the shape of a hamburger.
The Mummy:                  Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.
The Mummy Returns:    Don’t mess with foreign artefacts.
The Mummy 3:              DON’T F***ING MESS WITH FOREIGN ARTEFACTS!
Avatar:                           Pocahontas is hot regardless if she is blue or not.
Tron Legacy:                  Tron is a pretty crappy universe.
Harry Potter 1-7:            Emma Watson will never learn to act.
Black Swan:                   You can dance the best “Swan Lake” of your life as long as you have a shard of glass lodged in your abdomen and are prepared to die at the end of it.
Gone with the Wind:      You can be successful if you marry a lot and slap everyone.
The Dark Knight:            Screechy violins make for a lot of tension.
Mean Girls:                     Janice Ian needs to wash her hair more often.
Girl with a Pearl Earring:       Be prepared for nothing much to happen.
The Young Victoria:               Be prepared for nothing much to happen.
Saw:                                       Avoid people with terminal cancer.
The Shawshank Redemption: Prison walls are deceptively crumbly.
Pulp Fiction:                       Nothing says family memento than an ass watch.
Inception:                           Crazy ex-wives ruin your career. Even if they are dead.
Fight Club:                          Your alter ego can be much hotter than you.
The Matrix:                         You’re not cool if you don’t wear leather.
Psycho:                                When in the shower – remain vigilant!
The Silence of the Lambs:   Buffalo Bill puts an awful lot of effort into his outfits.  
Forest Gump:                       I want a friend called Bubba.
Spirited Away/Alice in Wonderland:        For the sake of the audience’s sanity – just roll with it, okay?
The Shining:                        Stephen King gets a bit carried away with extra plot details.
WALL-E:                               The human race is destined to be fat and doomed. In that order.
Inglorious Basterds:            World War II fan fiction at its best.
Up:                                        A barren, dead wife does not a happy film make.
The Wizard of Oz:               Always steal the shoes of dead people.
Slumdog Millionaire:          You can easily cheapen any great film with a dance number at the end.
The Sixth Sense:                Bruce Willis’ character likes to hang out with young boys.
District 9:                           Aliens like cat food.
V for Vendetta:                   Natalie Portman’s  character lost her hair for no reason.
The Social Network:           Friends are expendable for fame!

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