And Another Thing - Music Videos

So this is kind of a rehash on a previous blog but I feel there is more to be said on the topic of music videos.

We all know they are a sleazy display of the alcohol fuelled, skantily clad youth of today but there is more to it than that now. It's not just sleazy because there are cleavages, various asses and thrusting hip motions dominating the screens but more because of the obvious product placement. It is so rare to see a film clip that doesn't have a zoomed-in image of a car symbol, alcohol label, clothing brand or some other gaudy and over priced unnecessary piece of garbage.

Somehow, recently, I was watching the "Top 30 Countdown" of popular and current music - for the sake of my reputation (!) let's say I was shackled to the chair and my eyes were forced open "Clockwork Orange" style. Anyway I was subjected to the gyrating flesh fest that is contemporary pop and noticed that in the top five most popular songs of the week, three of them had obvious product placement for mini coopers. The cooper establishment must be suffering if they need to have some random singers mating in the back seat. This boggles my mind as I had always thought mini coopers would make any type of courting ritual rather difficult in the back seat given that they are about the size of a tuna can.

Soon the lyrics of the songs will become the tag lines of the products and it will be like "Sha la la la Oh baby I love the way you buy me the products I need. Git out ma Nike hat - the hat that fits better than most and drivin' ma pimped out mini cooper - the ride that bounces, swoops and goes like the wind - vroom vroom, baby yeah". Catchy, huh?

Celebrity Chefs

Why is it that everything now needs a celebrity chef to endorse it? When all this shenanigans started it was tolerable and it made sense to some extent. Celebrity chefs that we had a vague idea of would bang on and on about how good this certain product was. It started out as food products. Nigella Lawson sensually enunciates her way through a tea commercial whilst Curtis Stone is fondling the fruit and veg (oo-err) in our local supermarket adverts.

Chefs who write cook books, have cooking shows and teach us how to cook now telling us the benefits of certain foods over others. It made sense.

Next we have some "celebrity chef" that I had never heard of pop up in a dominos pizza ad. And another with KFC. It seems odd to me that a chef, who understands the basics of food and their nutritional content, would decide to speak the so-called benefits of the new fatty sandwich or pizza. Or pizza sandwich. I guess everyone has their price. And the viewers have their conscience that tiny but clearer.

Next came a Hungry Jack's ad (it's like Burger King) which had a "gourmet chef recipe" for their latest burger. There was no actual chef... just the recipe. The whole chef element has been replaced. All I can imagine is a phantom chef somewhere in the seedy underground warehouse of Hungry Jack's being held in shackles and chains making fancy burger recipes every hour of the day in order to avoid another whipping.

Soon they'll be endorsing anything from tyres to underwear to sombreros to birth control. It's getting weird.

Eventually they will have stooped so low and been paid so much that I can imagine a big billboard with Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver (one of the really big name celeb chefs who seem to care a lot about world issues) standing next to starving African children holding a glass of dirty water with the words "when I'm in poverty I only drink contaminated water. There is nothing else like it! Nothing at all!" and giving a cheesy grin. It's only a matter of time.

Ear Muffs

That’s right, you heard me, ear muffs. Or maybe you didn’t hear me? Because you’re wearing ear muffs... if you are then congratulations you have discovered the ground breaking untapped resource of silence.

First, people these days (and I say ‘these days’ even though I am quite a young individual and as if I’ve seem times prior to now that adds up to more than a couple of decades – which it doesn’t – but I beg that you get the right idea—ANYWAY) –ahem – people these days are so keen to cloud their day and I mean every second of it with some sort of music. Whatever happened to silence? Is that not ‘in’ anymore? I didn’t realise that I needed to be listening to Kanye West whilst exercising, Metallica whilst driving, Taylor Swift whilst studying, Tupac whilst cleaning the house and some random dance track whilst doing everything else. We are forever bombarding our lives with the beats that someone else made and though at times it may enhance memories for the most part it is blocking out the natural sounds.

This brings us back to the ear muffs. Why is it that ear muffs are only acceptable when using heavy machinery? They should be available in all walks of life. Not just the aforementioned activities either. Why can’t we wear them at loud concerts? I know it would look a bit dorky but for the sake of your hearing health it would be better post-concert to hear nothing than a sick ringing of dying cells. What about when attending a children’s party? Or a dinner event at the parents-in-laws’ house? Makes sense to me. Why pretend not to zone out when you can literally block them out?
Let the world know – ear muffs can do more than warm your ears – and more than act as an accessory for your head features. And you won’t die if you aren’t listening to music.

Fly Graph

Eye Yi Yi

I've held this blog in long enough, quite frankly, and now is the time it needs to come out. In full force.
Ladies of the world...

TONE DOWN THE EYE LINER.

Dear god, I see girls gadding about with so much eyeliner on they look like a strange new species of sleep deprived lemur.

It is NOT a good look. I don't understand why they do it.

Is it some sort of defence mechanism? Excessive amounts of eyeliner reduce their visibility so that they look more mysterious when they flick their heads around when in fact they are just trying to get a grasp of their surroundings.

I don't think they use eyeliner pencils - on no - they aren't strong enough. They use roller brushes that would usually be used on houses and dunk them into the most waterproof eyeliner in existence. That or tar. Given the potency and frequency of these coatings they get over a kilo and a half of eyeliner slathered onto their face. They must have the neck muscles of champions keeping their wee heads up so as to keep a well coloured eye out for potential mating partners.

We've all had the scenario where you go to sleep (possibly upside down or under a bed) and haven't had the capacity to remove your eye make up prior. The well known panda look results - but this is different! These girls are guilty of an intentional lemur look.
It reminds me of those old cartoons where one character plays a joke on the other by putting black paint on the rim of the other character's telescope (or whatever circular looking object is nearby) and then the other one gets a big black ring around their eye and looks like a total fool. These total fools are doing it on purpose!

Stop it, ladies! Just stop it! If you do I will rub my eyes in disbelief and not smudge my own eye liner.

Crying is the New Black

Have you ever noticed that in a lot of films - mostly romantic comedies - the heroine gets in a big sulk about something or rather and begins to weep. Meanwhile the guy comforts her and then they both slowly look into one another's eyes and proceed to bonk each other.
Now let me clarify that... when I say the woman "weeps" I actually mean she all out sobs, screams and makes a general scene. Somehow the mouth hanging open, puffy eyed look is what gets the fellas hot under the collar. I don't really understand it... I mean I guess when I cry for real reals I tend to look like I'm snarling, tears running down my blushed cheeks and this vein that goes around my eye stands out like an emo in a crowd of goths. Not my hottest moment.

The men in the films, however, seem to really go for this... Well I must say the film version of extreme crying (from what I have gleaned from accidentally catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I'm in the middle of a break down) is a lot tamer. After having just watched "When Harry met Sally" Sally looks pretty put together when she finds out her ex-boyfriend is now getting married. Sure she's doing the obligatory sudden sniffs, the over usage of tissues and the frantic pacing whilst wearing a dressing gown... but that's it. Anyway Harry looks up at her, they briefly kiss and then it's all over red rover and bam they're in problem city in terms of what this means in their relationship. But I digress.
Who wants to sleep with the sad chick? Or rather, who is legitimately attracted to someone with snot covering 30% of their features?

Forget going to the clubs wearing a cocktail dress and high heels - hell - just fail and exam and have a total freak out about where you want to be in life and you'll pull thousands of caring and understanding guys. I should really write a dating book.

There is one exception to this rule. Moaning Myrtle. She flies out of the toilet (there's a sexy image right there) howling all the while and yet neither Harry or Ron attempt to wipe the tears from her face and sacrifice their relationship (and dignity) for the sake of romance. I guess you couldn't really wipe away tears from a ghost without putting your hand through their head... and then there's the other thing... huh. I guess it doesn't work with ghosts - except in "Ghost".

Whilst there are a bunch of exceptions to the rule I suggest you try it on an unsuspecting male victim and see what happens. Either you get laid or you get a big detox from having a teary. Win, win.

Ain't No Thang like a Bacon Wing

Ahh bacon. Good with eggs. The other white meat. Quite pink in colour. Rather fattening. Piggy origins.

Bacon. We all know of it and most of us enjoy it. I didn’t realise that meant it should be added to every type of food to make it better. Bacon doesn’t seem to be a stand alone meat though. It is always being added to other meaty food products like burgers, steaks and salads. If bacon had one mission in life it would be inserting its fatty presence into the mouth of anyone and everyone in the attempt to make it even better.

Turning on the television you will notice the usual amount of advertisements for fast food restaurants preaching the ‘goodness’ of their individual deep fried and heart-clogging products. Take a look closer – well as close as you can get without feeling that tiny bit of spew emerge in the back of your throat because, to me, the food doesn’t even look good in the ads which is concerning, I mean what the heck will it look like it person? Well not person in... burger. Looking closely you will notice that pretty much everything has now got bacon it. Or the bonus of adding MORE bacon at your leisure. Since when did bacon become the thing that makes everything more awesome? Okay, yeah, bacon is pretty delicious on occasion but I wouldn’t wear it on top of my veil at my wedding for the sake of looking more awesome – or would I? Pretty sure Kate Middleton was considering it...

That gets the cogs in my melon turning... what if we added to bacon to everyday objects to make them more awesome? I think everyone needs some more awesome in their daily grind and not just in their lunches. For example:

The vehicle you drive.

Work stuff.

Your kids.

 Technology.

Your home.

 The films you watch.

Everything can be improved with bacon. Next time you are feeling down about the state of the world or some crappy incident in your life just think of bacon.